Don't Lose Control Over This.

Control. What a human character flaw. The need to exert one's will over another object or being. Where does this necessity come from?!  I am sure anthropologists and sociologists have studied this to great depth through the ages.   I would suggest that the root causes of this likely goes all the way back to insecurity. The fear of death even. For example, if a shelter could be built to protect from the rain and snow, then great. Build it. When your herd of goats is being poached by a lion, put up that fence. See? It all comes right back to the will to survive. Not everybody has this fight response. Some may just flee away from the bad situation, looking for a safer, more tolerable living standard elsewhere. These futile attempts are made in vain of course, and eventually something will catch up to you. Then that old adage You Can Run But You Can't Hide comes into play again. So fight. For your right. To survive.


But. Wouldn't it be nice if civilization could still be civil in an oh-so-wild world? This world where fighting tooth and nail is an invention grown out of necessity to even just survive. Fighting for resources is often just a big free-for-all, where the biggest knife that is used will end up with the biggest slice of the pie. A lot of people out there are under the impression that the world is only our play place and we have the right to plunder and pillage every last part of it to make our own individual lives more comfortable than could ever be imagined. Exploitation and the manipulation of variables are key concepts in engineering after all.


 But exploitation certainly extends beyond engineering and into everyday people's lives as well, with the decisions we make.  Simplest example: buying Fair Trade Coffee. A decision that has a pretty damn' far reaching effect on the lives of others. So really, the trick is to understand that exploitation is more closely related to power than control.  Attempts at maintaining control beyond all reasonable means is what happens when a person demands power. The demand for the cheapest damn' coffee possible, at any cost. It doesn't matter if the environment of the coffee plantation is being exploited, or the conditions of the farmers working there. I need my coffee. Control can only be a positive part of human behaviour when we are utilizing it within our own personal attempts of character development. This control could include things like building on the values of temperance, focus, commitment, and respect. The outward use of control, more often than not, goes against nature.  S' - S > 0 after all. 


Manufactured Landscapes by Burtynsky gives an excellent depiction of some of the ways that we are attempting to control the world. It presents examples of how our planet is losing its naturality from land, water, and even the atmosphere (not to mention the galaxy) through anthropogenic means.  We abuse and trash this planet incredibly hard at astounding rates and it is difficult to comprehend how irreversible a lot of this damage may be! Remediation. Reclamation. Restoration. Is anything really ever quite the same? How do you re-introduce populations of a species driven from a landscape that has been previously demolished beyond all recognition?   


Sprawl. Concrete jungles. Asphalt nations. Right-of-way requirements for car/truck-driven economies. Edmonton may not be LA, but when population densities are as low as what we have here, it's easy to understand how greed and "need" for space has spread us so geographically and metaphorically thin.  Progressive thinking towards a united community/city/country is hindered when all we focus on is how far away we can get away from each other.  China and India and Bangladesh should be so lucky.

We do our damndest at trying to control this wild, wild world.  I think Matthew Good puts it out there pretty clearly in his song:

"everything is alright/ everything is automatic/ everything is alright/ everything is skin deep"

Our attempts to simulate a Perfect Nature are never ending. Stains with "low" VOC content are made available in a million shades of brown so that our decks and fences resemble something more like wood. We tear up our soccer fields and football stadiums so that (ecofriendly?) plastic astroturf can be laid down for the new playing surface. We douse  scoops of "natural" (chemical) icemelt over our concrete sidewalks in the winter and we spray cans of pesticide, insecticide, herbicide, fungicide,  beeicide, germicide over anything that looks the least bit detrimental to our perfect plastic lives.


Hell, even beyond the environment, people are becoming more plasticized than ever before. And I don't just mean after they have died and donated their body to Gunther Von Hagen's creepy science freakshow. This shallowness is echoed in Matt Good's lyrics, in the way that we just seem to care about the easiest and most superficial ways of doing things that could ever be dreamed of!


A lot of us folks need companionship too in order to feel safe in this whacky world. And a lot of time the easiest way of commanding some degree of companionship is to... get a pet. Or mmmaybe even a Russian Bride. The need for security via completely controlling another beings is a sign of weakness and a cry for help. Beating these domesticated pets - wives? - into submission is the ultimate and absolute indication of weakness that simply cannot be tolerated on any level. Appreciation for the natural way of things is  what's necessary and that does not mean blackened eyes or let's just say... worse.


I think that unless we change the path we're on with respect to the need to control the world and people in our lives, we are truly heading for dark, dark places. Maybe the fact that cougars and bears and crocodiles are "acting up" in "civilized" areas of our sprawling urban developments has something to do with them trying to send a message to us humans that this kind of behaviour Just Won't Do. Or maybe I just came home from watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes.





Entropy
Random blobs of power expressed as that which we all disregard,
Ordered states of nature on a scale that no one thinks about.
Don't speak to me of anarchy or peace of calm revolt, man,
We're in a play of slow decay orchestrated by Boltzmann:

It's ENTROPY! It's not a human issue,
ENTROPY!  It's a matter of course.
ENTROPY: Energy at all levels.
ENTROPY: From it you cannot divorce.

 And your pathetic moans of suffrage tend to lose all significance!

Extinction, degradation:
The natural outcomes of our ordered lives.
Power, motivation:
Temporary fixtures for which we strive.

Something in our synapses assures us we're ok but in our dIsequilibrium we simply cannot stay,


A stolid proposition from a man unkempt as I,
My affectatious nature I can not rectify.
But we are out of equilibrium unnaturally.
A pang of conciousness at death - and then you will agree!

Bad Religion, 1990. 

chapter 61.

Let's Save The World!!!

...before it's too late...

I am not a cynical person. Especially when it comes to globalization and the human state.  I am not (blissfully) naiive about the way the world is either.  I am a realist in every reasonable, pragmatic way that a man needs  to be for 21st Century living. When I'm not dreaming, anyways.

First let's make it clear that I do indeed see a lot of good in the world. Everywhere around me amidst this insane world of depravity, inequality, pain, and suffering, I can still find beauty. Beauty beyond nature. Beauty beyond engineering, even. But on another level, I feel that the soul and spirit that lies deep within some of the  most beautiful creations in existence are likely because of some higher being.

But this blog is more about when that higher being happens to call in sick, and we are all left down here to fend for ourselves and try and come up with a creative way of not totally destructing the planet - or each other.  Because even if there is someone/something up there watching over us poor lost souls, we still remain prisoners of our own device here on earth, and therefore we might as well pimp out our "prisons" as best as we can  - for us and especially for the generations that will follow us. We live an incredibly insignificant amount of time on this planet in relation to how long it has taken our Maker to allow everything on the planet to evolve to the point it is today!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I say this now because time is running out. Sure, tell me that the fear mongers' have been saying our time has been running out since the start of the Cold War. But I do believe that a world with 8 Billion people is different than a world with 3 Billion only 50 years ago.

The hardest thing to grasp is this whole timeline thing.  A planet that is 100s of Millions of Years old is still spinning today, despite the endless atrocities that human beings have committed to it (and each other) in the matter of their lifetime.  On the same level, a lot of good can happen in a person's lifetime but mostly I think, just on a very personable level. Implementing a simple idea that could lead towards long term global sustainability likely transcends one person's lifespan. For example, electricity is nice - but when it comes at the cost of burning thousands of tonnes of coal or mitigating the threat of nuclear waste, generations of imagineers are what the world needs most.

 It's especially tough in achieving this though, with the attention span of most people nowadays. Watching these wasteful unforgiving people piss their time away can be very taxing on the human spirit. Their apathetic and selfish attitude puts unsurpassed pressure on the rest of us trying to make any sort of progress or significant impact for a lasting world.  The tiny window that we have here with our time on earth to make lasting positive change becomes even smaller. Frustration  sets in and the achievers either succumb to the prevailing, draining attitudes of most people, or else they just decide to end their time in this twisted world, under the belief that there just has to be something better than this. Killing time is indeed just another form of murder after all, and the fact that people either kill themselves in a desperate need to escape or people kill time by under-utilizing the imminent opportunities they have on this planet (like me, here, now) really pisses me off.


 


Reduction Now.
  Less is more. This is another radical philosophy that a lot of people in the Western World will never fully be able to appreciate. Certainly not in a place where we are in a love affair with wasted space.  No Impact Man takes things to the most extreme with the protagonist's attempts to raise a family in Manhattan and reducing his footprint to nil. He got the point across, but in reality, a modest footprint is probably acceptable if we ensure that we are progressing towards a globally sustainable lifestyle for the majority of the world's inhabitants. Immensely modest.  i.e. not the path we are currently on.
 
The necessity to make drastic changes in the way we live our lives is now. Unplug. (I can't wait until the day that I have someone to talk  to about some of the good/bad ideas that build up in my head, instead of having to try and sort them out here). Park your car,  don't commute farther than you have to, don't eat meat, shop local, kill the box store, don't drink bottled water, change to CFLs,  put on a sweater, blah the fuck blah.
 
There is a widely accepted proposition called the Jevon's Paradox which environmentalists like Monbiot like to use in order to describe how even in the present day of fantastic technological progress and advancements, we are - of course - still doomed.  It describes how as we develop more energy efficient ways of doing things, there will be only that much more greater demand for more of those things! And beyond that, it must be understood that with every quantity of energy saved by doing some form of efficient work, there is a complementary amount of less efficient work that is freed up for the doing. George describes this in his book waaaay better than I am doing here...

I think, mostly when it comes down to it, we must be truly proud of the work we do, and the outcome that results from this kind of work on a long-term scale. And as workers, we are all getting paid in order to contribute to our role of consumers. Likewise, it would be nice if the consumer could (afford to) be proud of the choices he/she makes in their life of consumption.

So those are some of the things I think we need to keep in mind when it comes to making the most of our time here on this big blue orb. But how do we get there when we are soooo effing far off track?!?!?! These are a few ideas...

We need:

1) A leader that is RESPECTED ---- Perhaps something like having a total restructure the UN and IMF combined, where the idea of Peace Before Prosper dominates. Perhaps with no Veto players and no Americans? We need someone to lead this UN that is heard and respected by the world. Certainly not someone like Obama who is more interested in going on holidays with his family in Cape Cod when the world is going to hell. We need a leader that can not just say "Oh, my very best advisors will give us the right answers that will lead us to a solution", but instead we need someone who can just present the concise steps towards the solution, having already consulted with the "imagneers" I referred to earlier.   This leader needs to appreciate the limited opportunity he has to leave a lasting legacy to the planet and all of its civillians, plants & animals, that are all essentially at the mercy of one person's decisions.

2) Education of the Youth. The world over. Especially women. They have the brains & the know-how. Give them an opportunity, but please just don't take my (high-paying?) engineering job away from me.

3) A WORLD Commitment. With leaders like Jack Layton who can really inspire people across entire nations to be loving, hopeful, and optimistic. When people have hope, they will tend to be less antagonistic about everything!

4) Good parenting that includes raising one's children with values such as temperance, focus, and commitment. It is hard to find this nowadays.



This whole political part is unfortunate but necessary in the year 2011. Leaders that have clout and can make bold decisions are the ones that hold the key towards long-term global sustainability, just as Jack Layton was trying to do until his untimely & unfortunate departure from the power-position that he briefly held.  Now, with a majority government hell-bent on destroying most things good in the world, it's especially sad to see that the wrong leader is likely going to push us all further to the brink of destruction. The alternative is to possibly have an all-controlling government with the opposite ideals of Harper's conservatives, and we end up living in a Big Brother state like in any of the dystopian futuristic novels. Either way, I guess, dictatorships: still bad. But having faith in a leader in a time of our greatest need? Kinda necessary.

We simply need to understand the reality of the potential for any Wall-E/Tank Girl type scenarios. The privileged and elite will survive. You and me? Probably not. The Global South? GOOD LUCK!



time is running out.




chapter 46.

A D-gree in Intimacy

Or rather:

A Degree of  Intimacy.



Degrees are funny things. They are temperatures,  angles, papers on the wall. They are also distances spread between people or things. i.e. the 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon. It would be a pretty damn' sweet accomplishment to get a Degree in Intimacy though. Maybe even get on the Dean's List (ooooh, you naughty little....!) But in reality, the only recognition a person will ever get with respect to "Intimate Acclaim" is by practical... practice.  Word of mouth? Mouth of passion? Passion with no end.

Where is a person to ever even begin "earning" this kind of accreditation? Highs chool. Over the teenager's  3 year stint, it's not uncommon to get pretty familiar with the one of the simplest shapes of all: conjoined triangles.  Or diamonds.
 
The baseball diamond paradigm of "running the bases" works well for both socially inept engineers-in-the-making and meatheaded-surferboy jocks who are daring to stage their way through the endless exploration of "who they are" during their highschool years. And I think the linearity of the bases analogy works especially well for ~17 year old's because mostly everyone's  lack of experience in intimacy creates a generally level playing field.  It is only normal to expect a linear progression in a relationship as it proceeds from base... to base... to... POP FLY YOUR OUT!!!! Pop your fly open? Nope, the 1st one.

 Without going into the seminal details of each & every "base" (in which I was recently/finally straightened out about), I maintain that going through these steps still remains the best way of developing degrees of intimacy in a relationship. The real trick though is - I think - timing.      Rather than simply expecting to get the Grand Slam by the 2nd date or making a Triple Play maybe 3 months into the relationship, I think it is crucial to progress together at a pace that is comfortable for both (or more?) people carrying on with it.  THAT SAID:  Be more afraid of taking things way too slow than way too fast if you like the person.  And for the love of god, don't miss out on any openings where you might get a chance to steal a base - that is - until your partner cries "FOUL!" And hopefully if that happens, she's not referring to the smell of your balls.


There are so many sexual expectations nowadays. From Cosmo's sexy "how to's" available at every grocery store checkout counter to some of the darkest corners of the internet (no link provided) - it's a wonder how somebody can ever satisfy anybody! Me? I just keep an open mind and try not to look overly-desperate for it.


It's true - intimacy is much more than just sex. The ability to be with that special someone and give yourself up to them completely, to hold them in your eyes with complete vulnerability and to be able to provide them with a sense of wholeness and security is how the truest, most sincere degrees in intimacy are bridged. When that person you're with is at the stage where they are ready to give much of the same right back - you might be able to call it love. But mostly, keep in mind, that I don't have a CLUE what I'm talking about.


Stereotypes. Catholic girls. Hockey jocks. Women with short hair in engineering. Black guys. Punks, injins, gypsies, and thieves. All are bad. Everyone is unique with their own kinks and perversions. You never can know what to expect from any one person (or 2 people, if you are lucky that way).  The most innocent looking 24 year old sweetheart school teacher that lives in the apartment across from you might be submitting her very own sex tape c/w yardstick and plaid skirt for a chance to win SOME BIG TIME MONEY!  And the friendly shop owner down the street may be participating in some form of honour killing for the disgrace that his daughter brought to his family by running off with a white guy. It's all just a big gongshow. So try not to judge. If you can help it. Worry about your own life. And maybe not even about how or when your PANTS are coming off next, but maybe perhaps when the next time that you will see that special someone that fills the hole in your soul. 

Now let's go play some ball.


A final note on intimacy:

Keep it private, keep it exciting, keep it classy, keep it clean. But if you get a little raunchy sometimes - DON'T TELL ANYONE. Or else, film it and let me know that you did.   Don't be afraid to swing more than once, or from a different position. And when you get that out-of-the-park home run, run the bases sssllloooowllyyy. Tenderly. An inch at a time. Grounders are a different story.


I am pretty good at striking out.


chapter 99.

and remember:

and Even if it's Easy to Be Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...!

...what's YOUR definition of freedom, anyways?

and who the FUCK are you?

                                                      

                                                 who the fuck are they? who the fuck am I to say?

what the fuck is really going on...

-nofx

Trapped. Incapacitated. No future. These are some of the overwhelmingly harsh and often unbearable sensations that a person may experience when their freedom is stripped away from them. And really - in a place like Canada especially - it would be nice if a person need not worry about his or her freedom being taken from them. But then again, freedom is more than just the rights you are granted as a human being under political legislation or societal expectation. Even if the country you are in is as "free" as Canada. 

A person cannot truly be free unless there is a total elimination of desire. To feel complete by just being able to feel - no need for external stimulation of any sort. The trick is to realize that this elimination of desire does not require the acquisition of everything on your wish list. But rather, striving for an understanding of your place in this world with all of your potential and (god-given) attributes, and understanding how they can be utilized for the greatest good in your time on this planet. This will be the key towards finding an inner peace that will take you to a place that is "free" - at least in the ways that matter the most.   

To get to the level of having "desire" eliminated from your life, a person has to have a pretty firm grasp on the idea that "Freedom Is The Recognition of Necessity".  This was one of Garrett Hardin's more significant premises in his 1968 publication The Tragedy of the Commons.  In the end, a lot of it comes down to greed & temperence. A person's sense of entitlement or willingness to pillage and destroy and give nothing back in any way, shape, or form. Modern day pirateering.

I want to smash it up for all the workers who spent hours -
 all for nothing!

"Unless the workers are truly free, the machine will be prevented from working at all!" Mario Savio had the right idea. There's always going to be the potential for progress - but at what costs? Freedom for the workers. Yikes. What an overwhelming concept in a world of 7 billion people. Who work to thrive, work to survive. Who work for the "man", whose sole purpose is to exploit whatever resources are at his disposal. What fraction of this 7 Billion are satisfied with their "freedoms" I wonder?  I suppose it may depend on the worker's mental/emotional well-being, or else his or her (understandable) apathetic attitudes about what can be reasonably expected out of a hard fucking life (proportionately speaking - across the globe, that is).  

Freedom from Vices 

2011 has a hell of a lot of rules to follow. There are also a lot of expectations out there for each of us. This all round pressure results in people falling into one form of vice or another. Regardless of the society's view of the severity of whichever iniquity, seeking out reprieve for their actions that they wish they would like to convince themself that they aren't:

disgusting, disgraceful, shameful, greedy, selfish, arrogant, or just a plain jerk.

But if a person has the temperament to overcome the temptation of various transgressions (god, there's alot of them out there), then maybe he or she has half a hope in hell of getting to that state of inner calm and collectiveness... freedom. 

Drinking is one of the most common and accepted forms of finding freedom. This usually ends badly, especially when done in excess and increasing amounts as a person passes through their 20s, 30s, and onwards. In some instances it ends in pregnancies, abortions, and others it ends in unloved children or vehicular motor deaths. Not a good situation.

It would really be so great to be free from driving altogether. As enjoyable it is BLASTING THE STEREO and singing along sometimes, the regular everyday commute is no kind of life. Imagine it: without the regular commute, you would be free from all the rude, ignorant, distracted drivers (who reeealllly needs to use their cellphone before 7:30 in the morning?!) You would be free from "carbon guilt" and gas guzzling money burning $30 or $40 or $60 fills. Free from maintenance bills, insurance & registration costs; free from the threat of being a KILLER - whether the victim is a skunk, dog, or child. Freedom from Asphalt Nation thereby re-enforcing the "necessity" of Urban Sprawl. Freedom from the need to "keep up with the Jones's by having an expensive (affordable?), shiny new automobile.  - like the out-of-this-world excitement that comes with WINNING A CAR! on The Price Is Right. Free from the pressure of attracting a member of the opposite sex with your sleek new wheels. Freedom from ever increasing road rage, and Freedom from risk of driving over the cliff in your exhausted, over-worked state.

I prefer biking. I haven't done it so much over the past 10 years as I have done over the past 6 months. And even though I haven't had much opportunity to get wasted (in my next search to become more free) then ride home, I am still looking forward to that day. At least then, I can be more confident that I will be free from police scrutiny and will not be a hazard to others on the road. (note to self: keep to the sidewalks when drunk on a bike).

If a person isn't driving, then really there is not much reason to carry around their ID either. Freedom from wallets. Sure, a couple of twenties, (fives), rolled up and stuffed into the jean pocket might be necessary, but no more protruding bulk from the rear left butt cheek, please.

And while we're at it? You guessed it: cellphones. She's never going to text you back anyways, so just get over it already!  The constant demand for instantaneous communication from somebody, anybody is achieving brand new heights. This comes back again to a person's sense of self-worth and mental stability, and he or she not requiring any form of immediate gratification via their mobile device.  Just Toss It Into The Canal! You'll feel a lot better afterwards - that is, if you don't dive in head first after it.

Following along this whole technology theme, it would be really quite something if we could declare our freedom from machines! Computers. Eeuuwwwyyyyy - What A Headache! What a draw on the system and the electrical grid. I'd like to think that computer users would have better eyeball health if we reduce the number of hours that we allow bright LCD crystals burn into the backs of our retinas. I don't remember all that many 5 and 6 year olds with glasses 20 years ago.Today alone I have spent more than 8 hours on the computer. And believe it or not, I have been using it with only good intent! Really though - like I said before - I'd rather be riding my bike.  I wish I could just. sign. off...

Forfeiting Freedom For Further Feasibly Favourable Fortune

 

Freedom cannot be achieved without risk.  And some of the riskiest choices that a person will have to make in their life comes back to the degree they want to commit to something and the amount of responsibility that they assume for "the things that matter most". It's so easy to go by the mentality "Saving the World's Great - But I've Gotta Save Myself FIRST!" But there is a definite reward for seeing things through til the end. For taking those extra measures to ensure that those closes to you are being well taken care of. It's Not All About You!  If you are successful at sacrificing yourself even a little bit, you can be certain that the rewards of this "limited freedom" can be exchanged for unlimited happiness. Admittedly, committing to something can be difficult.   Seeing things through to the end - whether it be finishing a 1000 page book, realizing your career potential, or building a relationship with a significant other - these things may all tear into your perceived freedoms, but are also considerable accomplishments. And you can bet your balls that you will be getting a little somethin' spectacular gained from something significant ventured. 

All that I know for sure though is 

I am far from free.

chapter 87.

My Ride to Conquer Cancer

At this time one week ago I was in a tent at Chain Lakes Provincial Park trying to get some much needed shut-eye. 

You see, there was this matter of 109 kilometers between where I woke up that morning and where I had to sleep that night - and only one means of bridging that gap: my bike. Needless to say, this distance on a bike can tire a guy out!

When my Mom was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer in September, everything - and I mean everything - was pretty much a blur.  Including the fact that September was ovarian cancer awarness month.  Including the fact that the leaflets for the Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer were now available for the springtime event.    

It wasn't until February when my Mom was through about 90% of her chemotherapy treatments (that all went reasonably well, thank God) when a friend convinced me that it would be a good idea to register for The Ride. "200 km on a bike? Well, I don't have a bike!"  But then I realized that this was something that I just needed to do. Just as my Mom needed to do her part by conquering cancer - it was now time for me to do it in a different kind of a way.

And this is what it was like...

My Mom joined me at Spruce Meadows on Saturday morning for the opening ceremonies and to watch the 22 hundred of us pedal through the start gates and down the winding road to - well - hopefully somebody near the front knew where we were heading!  My group (Team Paladin West) all crossed the startline together and looked good with our navy blue & sunset golden orange team wardrobe on display for world to see. The weather was mild, our water bottles were filled. It was time to get the show literally on the road. 

The first pitstop was in Okotoks where the the whole town went nuts for us. We had to pedal right through one of the main streets in town so absolutely 100% of the Okotoks population came out to cheer us on and show their support for what we were trying to accomplish. 

After Okotoks I was able to get into a little bit more of a rythm as we started to get a little more spread out. Feeling good, riding with a few of my team mates, we managed to pound back the first forty clicks reasonably well. Close to the 40km mark, my pal Mike found me. He wasn't riding with my team, but rather with is 60 year old father who happens to be  living with cancer. Not only that, Mike's dad had accomplished riding this same 200 km event the previous 2 years! Needless to say, I stopped to get a picture with this cancer crusader & his son at the 40 km pitstop. The next 20 km length of road down to Longview I found to be pretty reasonable. The wind was a little rough, but sometimes in life, you just need to bear down and overcome the more difficult challenges. Plus, there was a really fun hill to go down just prior to pulling into the Longview lunch stop.

At lunch we chilled. We carbed up & hydrated. Longview I learned has excellent jerky but didn't quite get the opportunity to try any out. Time to ride some more.

Some of my good riding buddies were great too keep me going on each day's 60 - 80 km stretch of highway. Pacing is a big part of riding bike, as is stretching, eating, and stopping for pictures. The mountain view for this part of the ride was pretty remarkable. I am sure happy the weather was so terrific...

Day One was nearing completion. They even had a 100km marker in the road. But at this point, the only thing keeping me going was the conversation I was able to have with a truly amazing TPW member as we battled up and pounded through the last few hills.  And finally - camp was in sight. I made it. Now all I had to do was find my bag, sleeping bag, tent, bike rack, change of clothes, shower, food, and beer.  

The amenities at the camp were tremendous. They even offered yoga, acupuncture, and massages. Bike techs, hot showers, live music, and lots of food. (and beer). Some people were in bed before 8 but I somehow was up talking and enjoying my evening til past 10. When I found out that my tent mate was a snorer, it ended up being a pretty late, restless night indeed.

6 AM! GO!!!! My team wished to all start Day 2 of the ride together at 7 o'clock in the morning. Yikes. So, with sore knees, sore everything I was up packing my bags and strolling through the field under a slight drizzle towards the coffee decanter.  By the time I was awake enough to find my way to breakfast, the drizzle...strengthened.

Yup. There it was. Rain. Alllllll morning long. Cold, wet, cold morning. But cha know what?  A miserable morning in the rain is nothing compared to the battles that those living with and fighting against cancer has to deal with. So we did it. Mile after mile. With always that one more hill to climb, we made our ways from pitstop to pitstop.

But as things do, the day brightened up. Every quarter distance traveled on Day 2, the weather also improved by a proportionate amount. So despite having to cycle into harsh northwesterly's and a needly foot-soakening rain, and only slivers of blue sky to motivate us - we made it to Black Diamond (or Turner Valley?) for lunch. Which ever it was, the break here was very welcomed.  By the end of my ~1hr pitstop here, I was even a little bit warm! But I kept the foil wrapped around my feet and my windbreaker on just the same. A handful of people got swept and brought closer to home on this extremely challenging day, but I am proud to say that with the support of my team, my friends, my family, as well as strangers on the road urging me on - I did it. Alllll the way to the finish line, where an emcee announced each rider's name while completing about 220 km of cycling alongside Alberta's Rocky Mountains. What a rush!!!

At the end of the day, there was my Mom. She was waiting there for me in what turned out to be a pretty hot day! It was great seeing her after finishing this pretty huge accomplishment. (My $3315 gets to be directed specifically towards gynecoligic oncology).  The team mates that I crossed the line with were more than happy to take a picture with the person that inspires me - inspires us all - to do what we did over the weekend. Thank you Mom for everything.

Sidenote: please do not be cynical about the usage of funds. I can never say enough how every last dollar makes a difference towards the treatment of any cancer patient. Signing up for ACF events, I am understanding that the participant can choose any of the following areas of oncology for their hard-earned fundraising dollars:

prostate cancer
colon, rectum, GI cancers
gynecologic cancer
head & neck cancer
lung cancer
leukemia & lymphathic cancer
brain cancer
sarcomas
skin cancer
breast cancer
childhood cancers,      
priority cancer discovery fund

So sign up today!!!

The Shopper's Drug Mark Weekend To End Women's Cancers is the last weekend in July  but is in Calgary again. It consists of walking 32 km 1 day or 60 km over 2 days and asks that participants raise $1250 or $2000 for the 1 or 2 day event, respectively. As important is EVERY cause out there, I will be giving this one a miss. Heaven knows there are soooo many causes after all...


Today we celebrated my Mom's birthday at Delux Burger. Nicola Crosbie introduced us to this place by advocating ovarian cancer research at this restaurant in February. Not only was it my Mom's birthday today, but we were also able to celebrate 4 months of my mom being cancer free!

Satisfying the Minimum Requirements

Chapter One Hundred

 

A person's goal in life should be not only be to meet -
but to exceed the absolute bare minimum
expectations demanded of them.

A person's goal in life should be to just try and
make it through
the day.




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



These two conflicting concepts have been ailing me for as long as I can remember. Even before I had the means of coming up with goals for myself, I was being set down the "right" path with the hope that I may one day "succeed" by "accomplishing" something "worthwhile" in life. Amidst a sea of poverty, class war, judgement & partiality, and competition. Good luck.


For a large portion of my life, I am proud to say that I have adequately achieved at least the minimum requirements for the most important things in my life. I have an adequate social life, adequate education, adequate love life, adequate debt, adequate career prospects, and adequate health. Man, I hate that word now!


What I am getting at here is that maybe a person's own personal standar ds/expectations have a lot to do with his/her personal happiness. And that perhaps a person has only so much will-power OR so much capacity of achieving the standards that they set for them self, say, for a certain time-limit, before that person simply lowers the bar.


Don't do it. Even if you think it's too late for you, stop & think. Really, it's all about perspective, and if you take a few moments to realize your own untapped potential you have just done the hardest part. Once that part is done, the capacity of conquering even your wildest dreams exists inside of you - whether you think you have the time to invest into pursuing those dreams or not.


Don't let sloth, complacency, comfort & security, or fear stop you!!


Recently I finished Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It's a story about Do-ers and followers. It's a story about what it means to have conviction and pride and not allowing yourself being taken for granted. Just Get'r Done. And not just with respect to the "workl" world either. Once you get that dream job, don't stop there. Work towards conquering that next big conquest. It doesn't have to even be "exciting". You might decide to witness more sunrises, get a haircut, or maybe even something as dull as reading Atlas Shrugged! Call that long-lost friend. Nail that broad. Marry your soulmate. Have the confidence that you can DEMAND something more from this misery called life.


Set your goals and follow through with a plan to achieve them. Idle chit chat? No thank you. Focus. Every single day. One day at a time.

Are the goals too tough to achieve? Completely unattainable? Maybe then - yes indeed - just go ahead and lower your expectations. s e t t l e. Don't worry about that soul mate, dream job, or 2nd language. Be happy with who you are, and don't try and transform yourself into something you are not. Don't bother being the change you want to see. After all - you're not that great.

"Do what you want, but don't do it around me -
idleness and dissipation breed apathy"

Bad Religion

My Affliction

Chapter 93

I wear T-shirts. And jeans. And usually 1 of 2 belts I own. Sometimes I sport a pair of cargo shorts - solid colour. No Hawaii flowers, no plaid please. Socks are about 50/50. Some don't have holes.



I guess you can say for all intent and purposes that I am indeed a hater of fashion . Function is the most pragmatic thing. But that does not necessarily have to mean wearing an UnderArmour long sleeved shirt, for example, in order to go skiing either. And the "Fascinator" that Princess Beatrice was showing off last month maybe has a function unbeknownst to you or me. The Prince of Lichtenstein might have a tele-tubbie fetish or something.

- freak -

Silverchair's Freak Show from 1997 included some lyrics that pleaded, "If only I could be as cool as you" over & over again. If only, eh?! From about 1997 through til ummm let's say present day I know that I will never be as cool as you. Or you. That likely has something to do with why I feel slightly more comfortable around "punk" culture... Heck, punk rock icons The Descendents have a song called "Cool To Be You". Good tune.

Here in Alberta, standard 20s (and 30s?) menswear often includes a pair of $200 jeans and a t-shirt with the words: TapOut, Affliction, Infliction, Fallen, or Suffocation, written in large cryptic calligraphy across the chest - the broader, the manlier. This latest style can be seen as you stroll through Wal-Mart or going to the sickest club on a Saturday night.  Maybe I will try wearing one some day and all the pretty ladies will come flocking towards me...Afterall, I do have a 3 year old pair of Levi's that I got on sale from Sears for something like $85 that could totally complete the look! sidebar: I wonder if UFC is available at the EPL yet...

_All_His_Suits_Are_Torn_

I have worn suits. I don't mind wearing them on certain occasions even. Especially if there is someone realllllllllllly special that I know enjoys a guy in a suit. But otherwise, lose the collar, screw the sleeves, and let's hope my shoes have laces in them: Daddy's goin' to Town.


Last week I showed up to my trial for a charge that in my opinion was a total load of bullshit. I dressed up all nice, c/w a long sleeved shirt & a tie. I was the best-dressed clean-cut "punkass delinquent" sitting trial that day amongst a sea of sleezy criminal types in the whole Wetaskiwin courthouse.

After about a 30 minute trial, taking the stand, swearing on the bible, n'all, and saying my piece as clearly and concisely as possible, and only a 5 minute deliberation by the Traffic Commissioner, I had my civil self marching proudly out of the court room with a $700 fine and 4 demerits completely dismissed. The sheriff and the prosecutor were shamed and humiliated and I was free from the fucked up system that I've grown to hate so much.

I got to my car, peeled off my suit & tie and slapped on my ever-appropriate SNFU t-shirt and that semi-clean pair of shorts. (Or did I put shorts on at all?!)

You say I'm acting like a kid and one day I'll grow out of it.

Well, I do have an engineering degree. And to work in consulting with this degree, a certain dress code is often required. It's a sign of professionalism in which the consultant hopes to convince his client that he can be trusted. Little does that client know that a 6-pack of Lucky Lager might be sitting in my backpack for the long bus ride home. Who really knows what goes on with any "professional-type" person anymore. Hell - the head of the IMF is being charged with worse things than pounding back a 6-pack right now.


It's true that I am really quite torn. Damaged? Split-down-the-middle/ possibly bi-polar with a lot of my values & actions - a blog for another day. I think that I may even possibly end up with a tattoo one day - as long as I something that I actually feel that passionate about. Whatever that might be, it remains a mystery to me for now. No "Death Skull" for sure though. And no "affliction"-type words in calligraphy, or barbed-wire cuffs  either. No crosses, nothing religious, no band's symbol or slogan, lyrics or naked biker chicks.  I will think of something...


And though I long to embrace, I will not misplace my priorities:

 

Humour, opinion, a sense of compassion, creativity -

and a distaste for fashion.

-Propagandhi

Mixed Nuts

I went to the grocery store today. I couldn't believe how healthy I have become. In my basket was nothing but green organics, probiotics, olive oil (yeah, that's right: SCREW YOU MR. CANOLA FARMER WITH YOUR "RAPESEED" AND OMEGA 6's!), a dark dark chocolate bar, and some blueberries and mint green Twinings tea. With one more thing to pick up.

When I got to the bulk nuts & candies aisle I noticed this attractive twenty-something year-old brunette also looking for some healthy snack alternatives. So what with me being such a big (milk) dud n' all, I carefully pulled the lever to retrieve my 300g of unsalted almonds, pecans, and walnuts while she cased the cashew containers. (How embarrassing would that have been if I spilled my bag of nuts everywhere!)

Then with some semi-preconceived notion to approach the little label taggies and pen on that stretchy coiled wire at the same time as her, I stole a peanut-sized glimpse into her hazelnut eyes. She smiled and I asked her about her yogurt-covered raisins. She said they are actually pretty healthy despite them being stored right beside the jube-jubes and M&Ms. Mmmm jube-jubes... I was enjoying myself, wishing that I would have bothered to shower today, and tried to keep the conversation going by talking about glosette raisins. My time was running out. She said to me that usually she likes to mix them up with other nuts n' things. So I lifted my bag and said "like these?" She said "exactly!" And I said "That sounds pretty good! How would you like to come and mix your raisins with my nuts?"

50 years later we shared this story with our grandchildren. I was 77.







Then again, maybe I'm just one big pistachio.

Something Green and Leafy Is Just Over The Fence

Chapter Fifteen

I have a few ideas of how I could actually work towards making this place called home a little more tolerable. But most of them involve matches and kerosene. Just kidding.

Or am I?

The longer I am here the more difficulty I am having in actually liking it here. The people, the politics, the culture, the major issues that seem to be important to people here...I'm not gonna lie: they are not too important to me. I think there are places out there in this world that I could probably thrive in. Maybe. Heaven knows I have been fortunate enough to travel more than my fair share and have seen how lives get lived in different places around the world. And right now I am reading this book that will hopefully help to give me some perspective on ways that I might learn to be happy here - especially if I never get the real opportunity to be happy anywhere else (like 99% of the rest of the world).

I have few good friends: most of them far, far away. If not, then they plan on being away soon. Friends from my past seem to have faded away all but completely. Family? Well, sure. That is important. Take care of your family. Without them, who knows who will help pay for your funeral.

Edmonton is really starting to piss me off. It seems there's always some outrageous thought or stunt or act trying to be pulled off by someone for his or her or its own benefit. The Katz Group? What gives?!?! This city hasn't seen such a dictator calling the shots since Puck dumped Gretz. Envision Edmonton? GET A LIFE!!!! There is a serious lack of cohesion or community resulting from the rampant development that our movers and shakers are all trying to become memorialized for. Rapid above ground LRT routes, Mandel? You're still such a pinhead. And then there's the Edmonton Police Service. You lost the faith of your populace in the year 2000, back when "gangs" were all the rage and we realized that you had No Freaking Clue what you were doing. In the past decade occurences of police brutality have just sky-rocketed in the city. Now the next pig in line to run the EPS is fleeing e-town to work for the RCMP in B.C. - a police body with an even worse record of corruption, bigotry, and using excessive force. The worst part of it is he's taking his wife, Lynda Steele, - one of the most admired (if not attractive) local celebrities, with him. Stupid councillors waste their time bringing Indy car races into the city and approving the use of green light cameras that don't even work. Millions of dollars later, and hundreds of shelter beds remain un-built and tens of thousands of kilometers of roads remain unpaved in the summer or uncleared from snow in the winter. Good job, boys, keep it up! Vote yourselves a raise next week!

Edmonton wasn't the murder capital of Canada in 2010. Only 27 lives taken by the means of another person. An improvement for sure. I hate the idea of living in Windsor though, where they had a grand total of 0 murders last year! To live in Windsor would mean to live in Ontario. And that just won't do. But we'll get back to that in a minute.

Since Zac has left to Vancouver, Gary to Calgary, Andrew (RIP) to Saskatoon, and Dan to...NEW ZEALAND, I have been putting more thought into where I would like to live/start living my own life. I would like to be in a place that can truly embrace the multi-cultural differences that a community is made of. Stop All This Racial Hatred! The disparity in an oil-rich city is despairing. The poor can't get too many $60 Oilers tickets (bottom price) if they begged for them. Hockey teams have highs and lows so I would never move to a place because of their hockey team (unless it was to DisneyLand) and as frustrating as it is to admit: the Oilers will always be my team. And I would like to get away from this roughneck attitude that is becoming ever more redneck and belligerent as the years "progress". I would like to be a part of a culture that takes pride in sustainable living with less diesels and more bicycles. Less BBMs and HDTVs and more canoe trips or "beach & a book" days. I would like to surround myself with people that have some degree of respect for their fellow man, plant, and animal.

Outside of city politics and cultural stereotypes, I find the idea of ever leaving this northern city in this wild west frontier to be a somewhat bitter pill to even think about swallowing. To me, ALBERTA is both a prosperous and pristine place that still has a load of un-marked landscape alongside fully developed social services (that are essential for an aging population especially). From the majestic western peaks to the unharvested coniferous forests to the north, and golden plains everywhere else, this place has some good things going on.

The province's cities (I hate Calgary) bring in most of the big events and a person never has a lack of choices for finding something to do on any given night. It's not like my family on Vancouver Island who only really have the options of: drinking Lucky/Kokanee, playing ball, and getting pregnant (usually 2 of these things go together and result in the 3rd). Although, even the Satanic Surfers played Victoria in 2002... But in my biased opinion, the city of Edmonton has one of the strongest local music scenes - from metal to folk to punk to alternative country to classical to blues. We have it all. And it is all done well. The city also has a ridiculously huge mall, a trendy south side street, 3 "professional" sports teams, and an amazing river valley with parks and trails throughout. Not a bad place at all (especially for a place stuck waaay up here on the 53rd parallel)!

Outside of the city, this whole region can be great (as long as you don't live too close to a sour gas well). The cold dry winters make snow mobiling or cross-country skiing favorite past-times. Pond hockey? "You betcha!" as that hockey mom Sarah Palin would say after fucking every member of the team in her film debut in Not A Big Mystery Alaska. That was actually filmed here in Alberta.

Some of the truly amazing country girls out there are probably what I love about living in Alberta the most. I could even see myself one day riding horses (or cowgirls) one day, living on an acreage, and listening to a little bit of (good) country music. After all, we all come from families of farmers from somewhere down the line, right?! I would like to pretend that I could live the life of a rootin' tootin' hootin' hollerin' COWBOY, if I found that 1 special cowgirl to show me just how it's done. As long as I can get to the next big punk show that comes through town too.

I think that this dry barren wasteland complete with its blue skies and bitter cold can appeal to people that thrive in extremes. I think Alberta can offer some of the best health care service in the country. But I know that the rate of unsustainable growth & urban sprawl is far beyond any responsible long-term prosperity. Breathing the exhaust from endless gas-guzzling pick-up trucks is exhausting too. The arrogance with which the way these chauvinistic sons of bitches drive their stupidly enormous trucks is uncalled for as well. But it is Albertan, and to be expected.

So what to do. Where to go?!?!?! Go where the work is? Fort McMurray? Still doubtful. As good as an environmental engineer's degree is to work towards mitigating problems or risk, the real hope is that the tarsands just stop altogether and we all just work towards something that has less devastating long-term results.

Let's run down the rest real quick:

British Columbia - This place is filled with dope fiends and tree-lover hippies. The government is always in a state of chaos and everyone is taxed to their teeth. Not to mention that the coast will likely be under water in a few years from now...

Saskatchewan - Filled with the hillbilly deluxe. If you thought the English had bad teeth, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Also, this is probably going to be the first place that is attacked by America after they realize that Sask's nuclear power plants are within soldiers' marching distance to Alberta's tar sands.

Manitoba - They have no hockey team but the boys from Propagandhi still call it home and Comeback Kid is a Winnipeg product as well. This city often has one of the highest crime rates in the country, and happens to have one of the largest Native populations in a major urban center also. Oh. And they get flooded every year. Especially with these increasingly-frequent extreme weather events.

Ontario - This is the place that true blue blood Albertans hate the most. It is filled with politicians that screw Albertans over every chance they get. They are egocentric bastards with 2 equally embarrassing hockey teams.

Quebec - The Quebecois want as much to do with Canada as Canada wants to do with Quebec. Sure, they have a few sexy French women. But I think that for the most part, our Albertan cowgirls are 1 hell of a lot funner.

The North? Really? The arctic trails have seen strange tails that would make your blood run cold! So cold. That's if you have any blood left after the moose-sized mosquitoes/horse flies are done with you. But nice in the right season - I think - maybe the Yukon could be a pretty cool place. Once. Between May and August.

The only thing left in alllll of Canada is...The Maritimes! Merry Times? Possibly. They are a very merry people who like to drink a lot of beer. But then again, the degree of racism there is more prevalent (because of the smaller amounts of visual minorities, and smaller populations in general). I had a blast when I was there 6 1/2 years ago, but if the economy is the dumps, then maybe I should just emigrate like Dan and pick some foreign country to just start completely fresh.

I guess I will have to consider some things very carefully over this next short period of time...I sure hope that things work out. Maybe Buettner's Blue Zone book will inspire me. Maybe something (or someone) will inspire me. After all: this world is nothing more than we make of it!

Chapter 68: Love Her In A Dangerous Time

Time. There's that word again. It just keeps coming at us, tick tick ticking... but faster every minute. Time is never any good. Especially for anything. Especially for some things. A person could only have half a hope that his or her time spent here on this planet is really truly being well spent in the end. For me? Well, I'm not dying. That's how the ol' saying goes, right? "Live like you are dying." Live with intensity and passion and have no regrets. Have faith and trust in the people you surround yourself with and try to live your life with at least some degree of integrity.

She has got my attention again. After sooooo much time has already passed. I don't know if it had really ever faded away completely. And now. Here she is. After all these years. Vulnerability? Trust? Acceptance? HUGE factors this time 'round. Maybe cuz we are both that much older. Not to mention that it's such early days. There's just so much to be lost... so much to be gained, if we just knew how some things were going to play out...with time.

I can understand her insecurities: 1) look at ME! I am insecure about myself! Being a jelous, insecure wreck never helps matters. Ever. 2) She has reeallllly recently come out of a serious relationship and probably owes it to herself to not to do anything more than just go out and have "fun" for as long as she needs to and as many people she can. 3) She might already know how NON-compatible we already are, and is only soaking up the tenderness and care that I can try to offer her since that's what she needs right now, when really she is still hurting so much (despite putting on that brave, brave face!) 4) She is loving being there for me in this tough time, and knows how much I love having her around also. 5) She appreciates the value in time too and realizes that investing anything into another (potentially) significant relationship now could end in even more heartache down the road.

Where we might go from here? I don't know. Just like in many instances in the past, it might just end completely before it even really gets going at all. And that might even be for the best? But what about that BS about having loved and lost being better than never having loved at all?? After all, the worst that can happen is that we all just turn another year older as another year passes us by - alone again. Instead of taking a chance on this great opportunity, she or I or both of us together might decide that instead of squandering our time, we should be focusing on more realistic potential for where we want to see ourselves (individually) in time. Let's try not to forget the fact that my head is all over the place here lately, since my Mom has got sick and since I mull endlessly over what I want out of my own life...GAAAHH!! Not to mention the time that needs to be invested in achieving the more significant things that a person wants to accomplish in life, and what sorts of ties or blockades are holding a person back in working towards those things... *sigh*

But what I do know for sure is that it feels like magic when I am with her.

I am doing a better job of respecting the value of my time these days. I am trying, at least, especially given current circumstances. And I know I even have to simplify my life even more and make some hard fucking decisions. In making these choices, though, windows & doors get slammed shut and might not open again for a long, long time. And if these choices I make are the wrong ones, then it ends up feeling like a hell of a lot of time just wasted altogether.

One of the things I have committed to this year is spending more time on bettering my health. Cardio, muscular, nutrition, (are those the whole 9 yards?) Well it's a start anyways. I know that this way, that even if this (doomed?) "relationship" fails before it even begins, then I will at least have something else going for me: a hot irresistable bod for the next girl out there that I can trick into making think I am mostly a pretty good guy. The second thing is to "unplug" more. I hate most things that the cyber/electronic world turn people in to: monsters, that is. Electronic devices, social media, and instant gratification from knowledge via communication with others or the world of google is making us all less human. And last time I checked, even the best (worst) of porn websites do not come equipped with a real life vagina for you to put your dick into. If this "relationship" her and I were to get serious, then you better believe that she would want it to be "posted" of facebook. Labeling something between 2 people on some website for others to witness/interpret/judge/(dis)approve of isn't really necessary, is it? Especially if the 2 people hardly know what it is they have between them themselves! A couple could truly find some comfort in the sanity that whatever kind of personal happenings and occurrences that is going on between them is only for them.

I hate myself for loving her. Is it love? What is love? Is four and a half years "love"? Is buying a condo together "love"? How about a puppy? Who even decides when or where that plateau is reached. I'd like to think that love is never-ending and that a couple can grow to love each other forevermore. Hell, love could be having a coffee if you are genuinely enjoying the time you are spending with that other person. But if those coffee dates cease to occur then she very may well turn into one of the best things that never quite happened to me. Forget about condos or puppies.


I don't want to wait for time. I don't want to wait for the next best one to come along. I don't want to worry about anything at all but my being there for her and her being there for me. Without any insecurities. Ever.