Embracing My Values

One of the good things about getting old is learning what in this world you really, really don't like. Or at the very least, we learn better what limits we find tolerable according to each of our own personalities; as well as to what extent we perceive to be unacceptable behaviour in others. I couldn't believe how rude the 20 year old girl was towards the person working the till at the A&W today. Just why?  There was just 0 reason to be so unpleasant to a perfect stranger. (Admittedly, on occasion I have had my own fair share of  bad days, resulting in my behaving somewhat poorly towards my fellow human beings...). But I try not to make a habit out of it!!! Show some (self-/) respect!!!

On the flip side, the more we live and experience life, the more things we see in this world which we may one day hope to adopt into our own lifestyles - to a lesser or further extent. 

Alternatively, a person could remain blissfully ignorant to the entire outside world and only ever (greedily) seek out and live by the plastic things that make him or her feel good. I think it might've been Captain Jack Sparrow who lived by the mantra:

"Take What You Want And Give Nothing Back"

That lifestyle choice, I refer to as "pirateering". It's possible no Disney Character ever said that at all, but my own perception of what I see in the world too damn' often seems to support the mantra. Maybe it has something to do with a person's propensity to be "bought by the system" or to "sell out" completely, rather than thinking for themselves more about what they can do for themselves and for this finite planet.  It was likely the music that kept my heart beating as fast as my fist was pumping that allowed me to realize that It's Up To Me! to be all I can be.

As easy it is to say I am going to work on truly sincerely devoting more of my energy to living up to the standards that I set for myself, it's also important to be adding and changing and tweaking our values. For example, I value clean energy and reducing my carbon footprint. But before I am at a point of being a Net Zero kind of guy, I will probably still be purchasing a pineapple from halfway around the world. And I might have to shop at Wal-Mart for toilet paper and toothpaste and something made in China. And I might just have to drive my car to get there. But at least it's goals, right? Not to mention that when you are accountable to others - a family - sometimes there is just no getting around that energy-intensive hurdle... without straining yourself anyways.

I must also work on the valuable asset of knowing how and when to apologize. With sincerity. People say Canadians are sooo apologetic - and this may be so - but seeking forgiveness for things unsaid, hurtful things said, not accepting you were wrong, or perhaps just not being there for another person who needed you most. Those things are values that often need to be considered and reconsidered to ensure that you never get too caught up in your own arrogance or closed-mindedness.

Ethical, selfless living is what I strive for.  Maybe not total selflessness, but selfless inasmuch as my ability to provide myself and the ones I love with the necessities of health & happiness. Security, unfortunately, is often provided by The System that punk teaches us kids to loathe. Punks can evolve too though. I think it was a high school physics teacher who said to us that what the world needs more of is punk rockers and skaters because of their ability to think outside the box! Weird, coming from a geeky physics guy - but Mr. Goldthorpe was right!  The only thing to try to do from that young age was to learn what your values are and embrace them with everything you've got.

Engineering taught that hard work pays off. Commitment. Persistence. That's how to get results. Also, that nothing in this world worthwhile comes easy. YEARS later, I received my parchment. My values and priorities for family have resulted in my limited opportunity to pursue much of an engineering career - but that doesn't mean that I haven't learned even more about the other values I cherish along the way. 

Things like sincerity and honesty and family. Perhaps if I was working typical engineer's hours all along, I might not have had as much of an opportunity to put as much work into my family.

Health. Healthcare, too. And healthy environments and all that entails. From the water I drink to the air I breathe. It can all make such a difference! A recent study looked at the air toxins around Fort Saskatchewan that may have a significant impact on human health. Also: Food and nutrition. Greens. Kale? I know spinach. Spinach is fine! I don't know why there was always such a bad connotation around spinach as a kid growing up... I've never tried kale though. I wonder if it needs to be organic... I've cut fast food out of my diet all but completely already, and I  have a blender at home that is pretty fun to use. No rum required.

Speaking of drinking - that is 1 more value that I just don't embrace at all. Never mind about MADD and the tragedies of alcoholism or liver problems: just CLEAR YOUR HEAD ALREADY. Okay - on occasion, I might have 2 or 5. But seldom more. NEVER when I'm driving. I always toyed with the idea of going Straight Edge like all our favourite hardcore punk bands... it's just one of those things that I will have to continue to reflect on and seeing if it's becomes a more prioritized value in my life. That said, I could really use a friend to go for a drink with to talk about girls and life and stuff.  Now.

Something that I have decided I am going to do for myself is to try to work towards embracing a vegan diet. Not tomorrow. And not all at once. And not "to be different". And not because I am going to stop the shipment of crates of hundreds of animals for slaughter every single day. But for me.  Starting small, reducing red meats in my diet - something I decided I should do when Mom first got sick. But then within the past year or so I realized that poultry and pork certainly don't promote the sustainability of a healthy body. The Western World has done an immaculate job of selling  farm animals to consumers: they say our economies are built on farm culture after all. I look to the fear-mongerers who say animal flesh is hormone injected and will surely make you sick, and I listen to the so-called "health experts" who say we ought to be consuming 70 - 90 grams of protein for every kilogram we weigh to stay healthy. And animal consumption is the necessary way to achieve that?

In the end, it's more than my empathetic heart that gets shredded every time I watch this or read a new Russ Rankin Full Stop post that makes me want to become vegan. The deforestation required for land for grazing, the over-fishing that's done in order to pack cruise ships with lobsters... It's about the energy & resources used to raise cattle, sheep, or chickens and piglets. Unfortunately, the fact that politically speaking, the issue of the ethical treatment of animals is often over-looked here in Canada - much like the obvious contributors to global warming. Not to mention that animal rights group PETA often gets muddled up in activities that tend to undermine the very cause they are trying to promote! Yet putting all this aside, CTV's W5 episode detailing the specifics of the lives of ... livestock do indeed disgust me. Overcoming the politics, hypocrites, sentimentalists, and globalists  - not to mention the belligerent redneck Albertans who think riding a bull at a rodeo then cooking its mate on a grill is fun? ...It's an uphill battle, and in the end I am resigned to the fact that I believe eating less meat is healthier and I know that I feel better knowing that I am not personally responsible for the direct inhumane treatment of Oryx's little critters.  

These are photos taken of a cargo ship hauling cattle across the Baltic Sea.

With all these lifestyle choices about finding that comfortable quality of life that let's me feel good about myself comes at a price. Judgement and scrutiny. Thinking, evaluating, and planning. Committing.  What if I am just more susceptible to developing cancer or any other debilitating ailment that may possibly be otherwise avoided if I took better care of myself? Eating less/no meat. Drinking only red wine? Eliminating stressors. Changing my environment. And routine. Reducing sugar. Increasing vitamin D. Having the support of someone who totally gets it and wishes all the same things...

I have already tried many things that have helped me feel like a somewhat healthier person. Sometimes it's difficult to decide where to begin and where to say "enough is enough", when you are told soooo many things can be done to your daily lifestyle to improve the quality/longevity of your life. The Heart & Stroke Foundation have been campaigning on how the last TEN YEARS of the average Canadian's life is lived in poor health. And it's sad to see how my Mom has lived an exceptionally healthy life - as best as she could afford to - and is now as sick as she is... I can't say enough how infuriating it is to see sloppy, disgusting, gluttonous, rude, crude, fat, smelly, smoking, drinking, OLD people -- being able to live their life when so many good, clean, hard-working people get terminal cancer. Makes me sad... I don't live by The Book of Mormon, I don't even know The 10 Commandments... I don't ask myself: "What Would Jesus Do" when moving along through my day. But what I do know is that I have a pretty good idea of proper manners,  right from wrong, and that I can consciously make ethical, correct decisions regarding the health and welfare of those I love the most. And when I do screw up, I know that I must continue to admit defeat and apologize for my thoughts, words, or actions. Hopefully, that won't typically be required for anything too too serious too often though. :)

You'll Be My Friend Til' The End, Right?

Chapter 37. 

5 years ago I started compiling a list of the people I admire. No, not people like Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Stephen Lewis, or even Oprah. It was a list of REAL people like co-workers, classmates, friends, and even some teachers I've had over the years. It was a list of people that I had the privilege of getting to know a little bit more personally at least on some level. To get on this list, some of these people had overcome hardships: refugees from Eastern Europe overcoming intolerance (in Redneck Alberta), or having to raise a child alone from a young age, or getting up each and every morning living their life in chronic pain or having to face their scariest demons. Some of these people made the list simply because of their outgoing, motivated nature, and desire to just be involved in the world in general. Others made it because they simply showed a good attitude and treated every challenge they faced with the respect it deserved. I could (maybe should??) have made a list of people I DEvalue as their motivations, actions, attitudes, and behaviours were, in my opinion, disgraceful or disgusting.  But who's to say that I know anything about what makes a quality character type and what does not?! "I have not been put upon this earth to subjugate or serve" so I've just learned to leave these character types well enough alone, even if I thought that sometimes they needed a Tellin'.

I write this now as I stop to reflect on the people that have entered and exited my life over the past 3 years, over the past 6 years, and over the past 10 years. Going back to 2003, I find myself thinking of some of the highest quality people I had ever met at my first years at college. Sure, maybe it's because I was DRUNK & 20 for much of that time, but even so those will always be remembered as some of the happiest days with some of the funnest, quality people I had ever met over my first 2 decades on this planet. These were the friends I thought I would have forever. And then life just happens to happen: these few friends finished school, married, divorced, had babies, started careers, went to more school, traveled, and, well - just kind of grew farther and farther away from me. To this day, few remain at all. Yet I like to still think that even if facebook.com or the internet all of a sudden died forever overnight, this gaggle of guys and gals from a decade ago would still be considered some of my greatest friends... 

By 2007, a lot of the kids I had come to "know" were getting all grow'd up. Some had some solid work experience or relationship experience or life experience or all 3. And as a result, the kids were hardly even kids anymore. My friends were developing into the character-types they would become for the rest of their lives (for better or worse, I dunno)! Some already had families, some had already fought cancer, some had sadly departed from this world.  Personally, I felt a little bit behind the curve with respect to my place amongst my peers,  but fortunately found that surrounding myself around the most positive outgoing people in the world: people who were ready to set the world on fire with their passion and devotion to "all the right causes", I might still have a half a chance. Socially conscious, active, healthy, hard-working, hard-partying, environmentally motivated, self-consciously aware. The people that had come into my life over this time motivated me to be a better man: less cynical, non-apathetic, more active, HOPEFUL even... Unfortunately this realm of quality people sllooowwlllly phased out of my life as well, despite my attempts to draggggg out & cling on to a few of these friends/relationships just a little bit longer --- people Just Moved On.  And today, many of these inspirational people continue to do well for themselves, although often more privately and without feeling the urge or necessity to inspire, attract, or motivate others to see things the way they do. These friends may be so far gone doing their own things by now, but I still cherish the impact they had on my life and for them encouraging me to indeed looking at the world - with all its wonders & atrocities - for what it's worth.

Enter 2010. All done school and working away as professionally as I could manage. Punk shows done up equally as professionally.  Becoming closer friends with kids from shows, still seeing friends from school on occasion. Facebook takes my own social networking more global than I could have ever imagined. Then boom. My Mom gets cancer. Plans get changed. I try working for a while then realize that it was not worth it. There was simply no way I could devote the energy into the engineering profession that was asked of me then also maintain that energy to take care of my Mom to the level she deserved.  Ovarian cancer is the silent killer - the 5th most common cancer-causing death (after lung cancer, breast cancer, colon cancer, and pancreatic cancer). And there was just No Telling if treatment would be effective. After 27 years of my Mom taking care of me, it was time for me to work overtime on taking care of her - while I still had the chance. Work could wait. Family? Family never really got it. They were all always tooo far removed and didn't have all those same values that I have come to realize that I have ultimately my Mom to thank for. The friends that had made an impact on my "adult" life for 10 years were merely other people that had been brought up with similar morals and outlooks on life that I had. And in a lot of ways, these  ideals including sincerity and concern were displayed by the closest of friends, mostly moreso than any family member of my Mom. The values & feelings I had about life only flourished as I was able to listen about and learn from friends' experiences related to cancer (here is one example I wanted to include). Even the friends that couldn't (thankfully) relate would show us empathy and compassion. Empathy & Compassion go a long ways when a person hasn't had to go through the painful experience of having an otherwise young, healthy, loved-one live with terminal cancer for any period of time. Many of them had even come up with various suggestions for "outside-of-the-box" treatment options, pain management options, diet options... I had friends who provided me some comic or intimate or psychological relief just by being able to connect with them on some level. Even if it were just online when I was needed closer to home and couldn't really go out, or travel abroad, or even socialize by the water cooler at coffee break. Those friends were so incredibly important to me that they will probably never even begin to realize it. Being able to outreach online with quality-grade people has made this "journey" all the more bearable for me. Being a full-time caregiver is a tiresome, demanding, tragic, and rewarding role to play. I suppose I have had "breaks" from that role to some extent as I tried working when the cancer was controlled (but not ever gone)  - but between the death of my Grandma in early 2012 & learning that my Mom would have to change chemotherapies only months after being treated for her first recurrence with an ineffective drug, I quickly re-entered the full-time caregiver position - work would wait. Again, the best of friends were there for me and my Mom. Family got used to the idea of Mom being sick: the phone calls & house visits dwindled steadily. The adjustment of getting poison shot into their sister's vein, once, twice, sometimes more, I guess, was an easier adjustment to make than having it happen to themselves. Slowly, I abandoned my own social life all but completely - lost a good girl in the process - so I could devote even more of myself to my family life. Even time online plummeted, along with the relationships that I only ever had with people online. But No Regrets, as I have had this opportunity to make amazing memories and have incredible experiences with Mom this past while: seeing the world, walking down Whyte Avenue, having a couple fancy meals, talking... just everything - it's all just been really tragic and special.

For 3 years I did my best to support my Mom and her struggle against ovarian cancer by participating in a huge cycling fundraiser. By doing so, I believe I was able to raise a lot of awareness about ovarian cancer as well as raising over $10,000 for gynecological cancers over the 3 rides I did. Friends stepped up HUGE in helping me achieve this, as I had more donors than many others on my team. In addition to the funds raised for The Cause, the amount of support provided to me through my team for 3 years was equally as helpful. More Quality Friends. In total, friends and family raised over $100,000 as a team. Think I got much from my family? Not much. Despite e-mailing and making my family aware of my efforts to raise money in support of my Mom, I was able to raise a total of $0.00 from my family members this past year. Stop. This makes a guy really truly think about & appreciate what he has in his life: the support, compassion, empathy, and GENEROSITY of his friends. His friends - whether they be near or far - are often a lot more receptive of the reality of the situation than even members of his own family. Even "close" family often fails to recognize or appreciate the tragedy of this reality... I don't know if they are in denial, disinterested, self-involved, or just plain ignorant but it feels that a lot of my friends have a lot better understanding of what my and my Mom's life has been this past period of time. And for this, I am thankful. My family is my closest friends: those people that at least TRY to empathize with me, offer legit, sincere support, share their own Ups & Downs with me, and allow me to be sad, so, soooo sad sometimes too. MY definition of family, I think, is actually pretty well summed up in this book I have just begun reading recently. 

3 years, 6 years, 10 years, 29 years. Over this time I have come up with some pretty basic qualities that I look for in a friend: integrity, respect, self respect, patience, sincerity, forgiveness, temperance, honesty, and a willingness to just be there when called upon...and when NOT called on too. I find myself thinking what if 60% of my life is over Right Now? At Age 30, I can't imagine that in  20, 25 years it will all be over. And I hope it's not. But if it did end, then I hope I can spend a good portion of the remainder of my days with friends (family) that have the values have been passed down to me and that I have learned to cherish so much as I get closer to this next chapter of my life with each passing day. 

...So will you make it onto my "list*"? 

*note: I do NOT actually have a list like Danny McGrath. 

Leave it alone.

I am afraid. So afraid. I've never been afraid of anything in this world as I am right now. Which says a lot because I have a pretty open mind to the endless possibilities of scary things out there: nuclear war, alien invasion, tainted meat, global warming, saturated fats, ghosts, conservative majorities, God, finding myself with the wrong girl, genetically modified foods, arthritis, drug shortages, caffeine addictions, water shortages, China, future milk prices, cancer, being alone.

Companionship. That, I think, is the #1 thing in this world that the human soul desires most. The ability to find someone to be there with you when times are tough. In sickness and in health is how the vow goes... well, for many... eventually. Sometimes. The majority of both men & women alike will eventually strive to be able to return to that 1 person that is their world. Comfort in monogamy will finally trump the perceived necessity of not being “tied down” once they get the kink out of their system; once they think they've found their soul mate. To find that significant person and then be able to build, sculpt, intensify, and deepen your understanding of one another's most inner thoughts, feelings, and beliefs is what one of the penultimate keys is to finding happiness. “He completes me”, I think, is the line from the movie. And to be able to find this kind of love early on in life (high school sweethearts? mid-20s?, before 40??) is also a lot to be thankful for --- especially with constantly escalating divorce rates and rapidly declining numbers of 50 or 40 or 30 year marriages. "Without love, breathing is just the ticking of an unwinding clock counting down the time it takes for you to comprehend the sheer magnitude of every single precious breath you've ever wasted!” is the line from the song. But more than that, without love, LIFE is truly pointless. Comfort counts for a lot. Tenderness. Patience. Commitment. In this 21^st Century, sex-crazed, zero-attention spa-- wha? Oh yeah: youth are losing the understanding of what it takes to, well, love.

Love starts at home. Parenting. I've said it once, I'll say it again: blame the parents. Not the teachers, not the 'other kids', not the governments or the internet. It's the babies having babies that must instill the values and grace into our future generations before anything else. Sure, social safety nets provided by the government can play a role in deciding how easy it will be for a parent to raise a child (subsidize everything) especially for the low-incomers. Our babies will learn respect, temperance, and integrity from home. You cannot love outside of the home without living with love inside the home first. If we learn how to truly love at home, then there might be hope on this planet for future generations.

  

It must be understood that the time we have to love on this insane planet is truly a blessing. Too many tragic occurrences happen every single day for all the wrong reasons (or no reason at all) to think otherwise. Too many selfless acts go punished, too many generous causes are exploited... All of it can go away in a SNAP. Just. Like. That. Look outside your window right now: Yes, that is a nuclear bomb mushroom cloud over Calgary thanks to a trigger-happy Kim Jong Un. Yes, that is Hurricane Veronica hooking up with another nor'easter to destroy more of the New England coastline. I mean Cuba. Errr... Mexico. Vancouver? Well, those riots will go down in history but otherwise it will be remembered as a generally affluent, friendly town ever since that San Andreas fault slipped and that tidal wave devastated all coastal cities on the pacific. But still, you are doing OK.Then? Tomorrow morning after dodging out between parked cars to catch the bus for your morning commute - WHAM! Damn'. Smite down in your tracks. By a Ford F-350. No time for regrets or apologies. Too late to be contrite, to repent. Just darkness. Despite seemingly endless catastrophes all around the world, your world was a miracle. You were blessed.  Life is more than biology. It is cherishing. Remembering. Devoting  & dedicating. For reasons pre-supposing any science that we will ever be able to comprehend, we are put on this earth to do all those things. We were put on this earth to love. 

In our lifetime, we may or may not have the opportunity to meet our soul mate. But that's okay because the last time I checked, the soul was not listed in any anatomy book I ever saw. So it's not real? Does emotion and the ability to reason extend as far as we need it in order to appreciate the fact that this thing called a soul is actually nothing more than a sneaky little biochem trick? If that's so, a soul-mate is ridiculous and we might as well be happy to satisfy the voids in our lives with any one or any thing as often as we deem necessary: hookers & blow, frequent unsafe sex, smoking wild, drinking like a scotsman, pillage! rape! destroy! burn!  murder! murder! Murder! Take everything, give nothing back. No. We are logical yes, but it's our intuition that exists only because we do indeed have a soul. It's nothing you can see - it's deep, deep down there. Beyond the shame, doubt, denial, pride, and pain. Our soul is composed of our ability to have faith and to love. That's why we inherently go on day after day interacting with others: for that hint of a spark of a chance that we might end up meeting that soul mate.         

Loneliness is a natural state of being as well. It's bound to happen! We get comfortable with the relationships we have built for ourselves: a certain proximity to family members, neighbors, work colleagues, former classmates, boyfriends and girlfriends. And at least some of these people that we let into our lives at some point – to whatever extent – will in one way or another leave our life again. Personally, I am only aware of one former school friend that has been murdered. It's an insane reality that no one would ever imagine would happen. The devastating loss of 18 and 25 year old cousins 9 years apart from each other is a loss that also makes a guy wish they had cherished that time with them just that tiny bit more as well. It goes on and on and each of our story's are unique but nonetheless just as invaluable for teaching the life lesson of love. Of  being there. Of not taking the people that come into our lives for granted. Of putting in that tad bit of extra effort to empathize with the hardships that some of these people might have. "But as for me? I was not put upon this earth to subjugate or serve!"  Dealing with loneliness is the trick of it. Keep on truckin'! Easier said than done for some more than others, for sure. Even if you feel you are totally alone, there are still others there that will tell you otherwise. Privacy is important to an extent, but neglecting people completely is never good. That uncle with the alcohol problem, the neighbor who lost his wife, the BFF who had months of depression after a bad bad break-up. They need you. I'll say it. To love them. To them to know that they are not alone in their hour of need and that with time things will get better.   

Without going into too much detail, I will say that this last bit is the part that I fear the worst right the fuck now. More than I fear saturated fats or alien invasions. The results from Mom's scan are probably about a week or 2 away. Whatever the results may be, it doesn't change the fact that ovarian cancer is a terminal disease that can only be treated to a certain extent. And the fact that we are more than 2 years into the low 5 year survival rate doesn't make me happy. Without Mom, I am indeed alone in this world and this world is scary when all alone. But for all intents and purposes, I put on a brave face because Mom needs me to be brave and put the value of her life - our life together for nearly 29 years - ahead of anything else. I think the knowledge of having a limited time left to enjoy loving and being loved is the only thing that can be worse than knowing that your future will indeed become very, very lonely.

My only other fear is that because of my fear of being alone, I will become complacent and resign myself to a life less ... possible. I used to live by the lyric "I could never swallow your ideals of a lifeless happy ending" but now I feel that out of fear, that's exactly what I'll do. I'll become what I hate. And hate myself after living a "wasted" life for it. This juxtaposition of feelings of wanting to find love in this world & not being alone yet wanting to clench on to any opportunities that might come my way in this amazing incredible world without having to be accountable to another person is something I guess I will just have to figure out. Unless someone out there can help figure it out with me...

ch. 118

Drive to Kill!

They call it an accident. A  slamming of the breaks and a wrenching of the steering wheel - seconds? milliseconds?? after impact. Whether that impact is with a gravel truck, lamp post, mini-van, or teenager on his bike travelling at night through an unmarked crosswalk, it's often too, too late.  2,011 vehicular collisions resulted in a daughter, father, sister, uncle, aunt, mom, brother being killed 2,209 times in Canada in 2009.   Why? Even if the numbers of these tragic deaths are down from generations passed, this unneccesary taking of life will never be the same for the families that are left behind. Sometimes, destroying that family beyond any hope of repair.

Sometimes when I am driving I envision that pedestrian walkway I just coasted through. Or that 3-way stop in front of the school. Did I really do everything I could have to ensure the absolute safety of anyone that might have been there?  I like to think I did. I like to think I am a pretty good driver. But then again: So. Does. Everybody.

MADD is probably the #1 advocate towards the creation of positive change of driver attitudes. Despite sad year-to-year reports of not much ever improving for alchol related traffic deaths. Maybe for real change to ever happen though, we need a PADD - Politicians Against Drunk Driving. This is only a pipe dream though, because it is usually the politicians that can't stop drinking! In all seriousness, though, the senseless murders on Canadian roadways have to stop. I think it would be great if the city would leave the fatality signs up wherever someone has succumb to a traffic-inflicted tragedy. And perhaps when a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th or 10th loss of life occurs there, they put up a round bright orange 2 foot sign with the cumulative number of deaths at the location that it happened. This would probably result in the public's realization that current mitigation techniques at ending road deaths is inadequate.    In the meantime, families continue to suffer because someone just doesn't get it. Christopher Dew's sentencing for the murder of a grandmother of 6 is slated for today.  The conviction of this murderer might result in a 24 month or else a 30 month prison sentence, depending on whether the Courts feel that the extra 6 whole months will do him any good or not. Keep in mind that this clean-cut white boy has served as a peacekeeper in Bosnia and is looking forward to becoming a humanitarian aid worker in some poor, poor, developing country. Currently, my aunt's native-born foster child is serving a 2 year sentence for trafficking marijuana, first offence.   What gives.

Even when it isn't alcohol-induced idiocy behind the wheel, there still remains the constant potential for certain traffic death. This is often due to belligerent, ignorant asshole drivers that have no respect for anything but themselves.

Impatience is wearing thinner than ever on Alberta roadways. Merging onto a freeway can be stupidly hazordous as speed-demons cut through solid white lines, disregarding any respect for their fellow road companion or the laws of the city that are put in place to make us all feel at least a little more safe.  Stale yellows? Well, you go right ahead, but I'm not chancing it! The distracted driver bylaw? I fortunately do not have $60 or $80 for an iPhone bill every month, so fucking around on facebook while driving is out of the question. Texting is sooooo 2004. Eating while driving? Kinda gross. Changine CDs is probably my biggest vice, but at leat I am not applying mascara. Which brings me to women drivers. Without getting myself into toooo much trouble, let's just say: Yowza.  Soccer Mom's are the worst. The stress of the job of being a working Mom nowadays makes them the most insane drivers on the road. Those SUVs are indestructible though, so even with the whole fandamly in the back, she can still afford to exceed posted speeding limits by 30%. Buckle up, kids.

Extremely poor driver education and an incredible degree of ease in attaining a license do not make matters any better. Newcomers to Canadian roadways, old people, and indeed 16 year old children would all benefit from an annual re-education of 2-axle vehicle operation every year, complete with a thorough practical government administered examination for 3 years after first earning their Class 5. And old people have to get off the roads at age 75, please. The exam must be rigorous enough that the people incapable of learning even the most fundamental and necessary safety aspects of driving will NOT be driving! After all, we all know that there will be more than enough of these people that pass the test, then totally disregard everything that they were told anyways. Let's at least make it hard for them to earn that privilege of fucking around on our roadways.

If there ever is a time where a person's unacceptable driving affects you directly, I encourage you to speak up and fight for what you know to be right! Enough with the apathy. And flipping the person off doesn't do much more good either. Leaving a note on the driver's windshield is at least something, but it's better if you can muster the balls to say what needs saying to their face. Politely? Politely. As possible.  True, we can all try and exemplify a more civilized, empathetic behaviour of others' undignified driving habits or techniques. But sometimes ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! (I think it's time to pull out the 9-iron from the back seat now).

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

Moving On.

As globalization continues, fuel prices will increase. Eventually they will be so unconceivably high that only the privileged elite will be able to afford to drive. But please be rest-assured: the combustion of fossil fules will continue well into the 2050s. 

Urbanization will keep our streets crowded and more public transit infrastructure will go ahead REGARDLESS of how poorly it is implemented. Even the best of public transit infrastructure will not deter the privileged elite that can afford to drive their own person vehicles from driving.

And with every additional car on the road, we continue to kill our planet with every last tonne of CO2 that is emitted into the atmosphere. even if we start driving more fuel efficient vehicles, the likelihood of our old cars not being driven by somebody within the next 10 or 20 years is pretty low. In addition, "more fuel efficient cars" does not mean "no fuel" cars, and will resultedly continue to wreck havoc on the environment! This website indicates that about 50 MILLION cars are produced every year worldwide, with 600,000,000 currently coasting around city streets.  Our oil dependent lifestyle will only intensify with our desperation for newer, better, and even more "environmentally friendly" / technologically advanced cars. The production  alone of  millions of "zero" emission cars will certainly contribute to global warming in the production line! Anthropogenic climate change. This is unsustainable.

In the year 2050, disparity and inequality will run rampant, leaving our poor civilized society in shambles. Right now, I am reading Collapse by Jared Diamond who demonstrates how crucial it is for us to aknowledge the warning signs before it's too late. It's not a case of "probable" or "likely" or "mitigation" or "work-on-technology-to-save-us" It's a matter of the necessity of change. Now. Everywhere. Fast. 

The City of Edmonton is being laughed at for the $100M in creating & expanding cycling lanes over the next 10 years.  Maybe if we're lucky, some of those 50,000,000 cars produced annually will not make it to Edmonton, and there will be more room for those of us who enjoy riding a bike on those new paths, with having less fear of being mowed down by some F-250 Hemi Engine Pick Up Truck or Distracted Driver or Soccer Mom. At least for the 5 or 6 months that the weather allows for cycling up here on latitude 53.

Today is World Car-Free Day! And it is also the day that my cousin was killed in a traffic accident 15 years ago. She was 18. I miss you, Shantell.

ch50.2/7C.2

LIFE! IS! PAIN!

When Dr. Clark came to class with bright pink hair one day in the Fall of '04, I was mildly impressed that someone of his stature was willing to make such a stark pronouncement about the importance of raising money for Cancer Research. And when the Engineering Head Shave happened a few weeks later, I never even paid too much attention about the people involved or the total amount of money raised. It was just Dr. Clark standing there in front of the class saying where we could go to donate, and how good he thinks he looks bald, or something...

In August 2009 I first started thinking about this blog and what I wanted to put into it. Generally, I was just thinking about how the many ways life is not fair: How some of us are born into circumstance, some of us abuse privilege, and how some of us are just insanely hard-working well-rounded people but eventually run into a series of unfortunate events leading to our ultimate demise. And even further - how some people just have this natural ability to go live their perfect happy lives, and have everything go right for them! GAH!!!! I find it somewhat frustrating that some people can just be so damn' happy all their lives and then the next guy can't help but to see nothing but the atrocities in this world (or worse yet: living in their own personal nightmare).

"Give me something worth crying over" was one of the phrases I had in my mind at the time, since, in general, I have had a relatively easy life. I've always had difficulty distinguishing between and relating to the degrees of all the different types of adversity in the world: the rampant destruction of our planet, the thoughtless brutality and hatred that exists in ohh soo many human relationships, and the intentional belligerent war-mongering and attacks on people that we don't even have *any* kind of relationship with at all. Insanity is a full time job.

And the year moved on. And I thought about different things. Sometimes I didn't think at all. One time I watched a Grey's Anatomy where 'trauma' was the theme. This was around the time that there was an apparent EMT & Paramedic shortage in Edmonton, according to the newspapers. It makes you wonder why so many people keep on driving into & over each other, yet still have this totally unfounded confidence that the ambulance will be there to make everything okay? Don't you think they would would be better off helping other people with REAL problems, rather than pulling dismembered and broken bodies out of twisted pieces of metal from the outrageous concept that we have come to label "accidents". There's no such thing as accidents, after all.

So with this, you get to thinking again: "There has been a lot of 'trauma' in my life." In '96, my cousin died in a car accident. She was 18. STARS Air Ambulance was even involved. Sad stuff. Inexcusable stuff. Nine years later a cousin died in a plane crash. He was 25. Even more sad stuff. It's really even hard to fathom carrying on at all when such random tragedies seem to occur to anyone at any time. I can't imagine how my aunts & uncles have coped. There have been other sad, sad stories in my life, but I think that those 2 take the cake. My Grandma was 76 and a smoker when she was diagnosed with cancer and lived mmm maybe 6 months after that? Still very sad. Especially for a 14 year old in a pretty close, very small family. Outside of the family, a friend from engineering, I found out, had recently taken his own life. Although I did not know him as well as I could have, I do know that he was a great man. He was involved in many activities and groups and was aware of many of the issues in the world. And then just like that. He's gone.

Personal tragedies, I am certain, trump the worst of world-wide adversity. World Hunger, Child Soldiers, HIV/AIDS, Global Warming, The Energy/Water crisis, Nuclear War. They all come second. That's why a lot of my prior 'priorities' seem a lot less important now. Having my Mom being diagnosed with ovarian cancer 2 months ago has really made me stop to think. Again. One more personal tragedy. One more hill to climb.

Focusing on negative things is not a healthy lifestyle choice. So we are trying to stay positive. There is soo much hope. There is soo much uncertainty!!! It does a guy's head in. Currently we are heading into our 3rd out of 6 treatments of chemotherapy this week. In December we have the surgery, then 3 more treatments after that taking us into early February. After that, god, it better be gone. Cuz otherwise, I don't know what I'll do. Focus on the positive. Other people have overcome worse.

I find strength through recent friends like Linda. She has been through some bad times in her life, but ALWAYS looks at the challenges she's had in the past and thrives off of the success of overcoming her own health problems. She has been really great support, especially early on. And even hearing ohhh sooo kind and sincere words from other friends like Laura, Matt(s), Joeal, Adam, Melissa, Thomas, and Sean to name a few, has been more helpful than they realize in my staying strong as I try my best to cope through this uncertain time. And it's not even me who's sick! So thanks. It's because of all the support I've received that I've been able to keep my perspective on the importance of staying in touch with my priorities (like the happiness and health of family). And it's because of this perspective that I have had a relatively easy time sacrificing things in my life like going to Pennywise, Justin Rutledge, Jeremy Fisher, and No Means No concerts. Or passing on checking out lectures by Maude Barlow or Stephen Lewis. Or going out drinking with pretty girls or going to keggers. Or even keeping working at my current job. Priorities. Family. Perspective. Support. Important stuff.

So now I look back on that first semester at uni and think to myself how absolutely terrific Dr. Clark is for being involved with the engineering head shave. A person usually can count the degrees of separation from bad things like cancer from his/her personal life. Not to mention, stigma makes people want to distance themselves with anything to do with the disease even more. Aside from my Grandma, I never really had to pay all that much attention to cancer and I was only a kid then. Aside from the breakthroughs on the news or the incredible stories (like Barb Tarbox), Dr. Clark provided one of the few channels to bring cancer into real life for me. Even if it was on a relatively distant, impersonal level.

Life can be painful. Pain of all sorts. All around the world. Anywhere you go. But thank you friends, family, for making this uncertain time all a little bit better. I am going to continue to stay positive and might even say a prayer tonight. If you could too, that would be great.

Ch. 70 "Life! Is! Pain!"

This title is inspired by a kid wearing shirt at a hardcore show. It had LIFE IS PAIN written in big white block letters on the back of a black t-shirt, I'm pretty sure at the 10 for 10 show.

A Gross Depiction of (In)Significant Life Lost

Splat!

Don't worry, that was just the sound of the 277th insect slamming head first into your windshield as you pile down the TransCanada at a buck forty this fine Friday afternoon.

Could you imagine if that was the way you were to die? FACE FIRST into a sheet of glass that has something like 6 million times your bodily mass and travels 20 times as fast as you. (Sure, I suppose a person could compare it to jumping from a 20 storey building into a nice asphalt/concrete surface, but that's usually done at one's own will.)

Or else how about that wasps nest under your deck. Frick'n wasps. Better gas'm. No different than Agent Orange in the Vietnam War. "Let's get them foreign buggers before they get US!" I am certain that phrase had been used somewhere in the history of that "war". To have your lungs filled, your bodied poisoned so to become some sort of lesser being, by the hands of another manipulateur. Gotta suck. Mosquitoes get it twice as bad since when they aren't having poison washed over their eyeballs in the middle of flight then they are most certainly going to have their entire featherlite body pulverized into something lesser than dust as your gigantic palm smacks into the side of your arm, leg, cheek.

(Children?) set ants ablaze with gasoline and matches, or the various parts of its segmented body are stretched and severed just as Atilla the Hun liked to do to his captors in Night of the Museum. Earthworms are stretched in much the same way, or else are sliced into segments and forced to slide into some other trajectory, regardless of where this worm might have originally been heading prior to your "doctoring". We blast our garden hoses into corners of the fence rails where Charlotte spins her web. We do this til her lungs are filled with water and collapse completely. Cutting the lawn has never been so deadly since those moth wings came fluttering out of the side of the machine in a flurry of grey snow.

and it snowballs

as we pave

through paradise

Snap! Mouse trap. Pop! There goes the gopher's head as that thin sharp wire cuts through its neck. Let's go bigger.

Maybe you don't like some kinds of birds. Maybe you think "gross, a pigeon - they're so smelly and gross!" But I would rather think of it as pigeon nevertheless, rather than something that once was a pigeon, only now with maggots & worms crawling around through its bloody smashed-in skull in the middle of the Shopper's Drug Mart parking lot. Bigger again.


Farmers need land. And with ever-growing mega-corporate farming needing more and more land to feed this starving world, the need to rape and pillage the earth grows, too. "All in a responsible matter", mind you, but RAPE AND PILLAGE NONE THE LESS. So in the process - habitat destruction. Biodiversity loss. species extinction. Plants & animals alike, this life is being carded out.

We kill for progress. We need wider highways and more extraction of every kind for the best possible products and services that money can by. SO WHAT?!?! if proportionately more bears or deer or moose are being mowed down on our highways as we encroach further and further into their habitat (with the hopes of escaping the habitat that we've grown to hate so much). So we "progress" and "succeed". How can you tell? We get fat. How do we get fat? We eat The Meat. Hormone-injected cattle that had been crammed into corrals and lined up for slaughtering loin by loin for your dinnertime enjoyment.

should have listened to your parents
and doubled up on
all your peas and carrots

Let's' go bigger.

Tar sands. 300 dead ducks right? Nope, try 1600. At the hands of man. Or lack of hands, possibly. Windmills kill more? We're not talking about windmills. We are talking about dying. Dying stinking deaths. With 13 heavy metals and numerous hydrocarbons seeping into your bloodstream, disabling your ability to breathe as a soup of chemicals fills your mouth and nose. The tailings ponds associated with the tar sands are not just killing the animals that habituate in them. Dr. Habibi and Dr. Schindler and Dr. O'Connor aren't just called Dr.'s for nothing. Each can describe in more way than one as to how this region is causing estrogen levels in minnows to be significantly altered or how this region is causing some of the rarest and proportionately UNACCEPTABLE cancers are being diagnosed amongst human beings. People are Dying. So much for ants and spiders, hey?

Let's all just start treating each other and this world we live in a little bit better.

Ch. 64.