You sound like a broken record.

Over the past few weeks, the online community has become inundated with posts and shares and invites from musicians and bands to attend today's International Record Store Day... "Come out and buy your rare, unique, hard-to-find vinyl & support your local independent record shop while your at it!" The idea has it's merits: get consumers to spend on what many often view as a dying industry. The bands aren't making any money and the stores are making even less! So all across the 20s and well into the 30s demographic, kids are letting the cash flow. Successful marketing. Which happens to fall on the 1 day of the year that smoking marijuana is celebrated more than any other day.  I heard 1 guy talk about how he was able to score 3 White Stripes albums which were released especially for a 10th anniversary of something or other.  I wonder if that means he's gonna go home and smoke 3 joints and call it a successful day.

I appreciate music. More than most, not a much as many more. My collection of mp3s and CD-Rs and CDs is diverse and extensive. I have 0 records and a few silly cassette tapes that get play-time never. I have evolved in my preference of music: Prong's Primitive Origins and Screeching Weasel's My Brain Hurts will always hold a special place in my heart but as I finish off my 20s, I might put on something  a little less raw or mad or (do I dare say it?) simple.

I find myself enjoying music as much as ever, especially as it continues to flood in from everywhere. Dropbox, Grooveshark, YouTube, friends that forward downloads...really it's a non-stop train. There's dead bands reforming and making new music, old bands putting out new material after 25 years of hard work, fresh new sounds like this Lawrence Arms side project, and let's not forget our up-and-rising stars Selena and Justin!

But alas! I will not be taking part in World Record day.

Mindful, arrogant self-promotion in order to get the masses into the stores to buy their product. Really, you're not cool if you don't like music, you know. Where would the world be without it after all!! We all covet thy song which will shake our bones and penetrate our soul. Bring a tear to our eye and give us strength to get up another day. I can't count the # of times I've heard how much "music SAVES me" or "I would be nothing if it weren't for my music". Heck, you might even grow a beard and where skinny jeans to help proclaim your love for music on a more visually stimulating level.

I want more than just music. It will always be in my heart and I am thankful for that. But right now I sit here in silence contemplating my future. It could be a dark & lonely future if I didn't have at least music as a part of it, but truthfully, without having someone to share your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, fears, vulnerabilities, and experiences with - live is bound to be dark & lonely (more or less) anyways. I have gone to countless concerts then left again, speaking only to The Merch Guy or The Beer Tub Girl and yes, although the entertainment value of the evening would be great, the experience as a whole could almost count as disappointing.

Music is not everything.

So here I am! A guitar sits in my basement I don't play, 6 or so of "childhood" piano under my belt,  high school French Horn skills that have dissipated  despite the joy and inspiration of a lifelong favourite band - Fractal Pattern. I try not to sing, I cannot keep a beat.

A person can find happiness outside of music. Similar interests? Well, that's MUSIC, right??! BLEH! There's things like life goals, ambition, health & lifestyle, ability to earn the chance to travel and see the WORLD, thoughts on God and religion and what happens when we die. Just the ability to communicate in general, really!! THESE THINGS are what can make a person just as satisified as going out and buying a new record to support the struggling artist. 

Okay, I have some Calexico CDs to go pick up tomorrow from my Edmonton Public Library. Good night.

Too Late, No Friends

Do you want to be my friend? I swear I will be a good friend. I will return texts right away, I will let you know when your favourite gin goes on sale, I will pick up your mail when you are on vacation, I will not sleep with your wife when you are working on the road, I will send you the latest new music you know I know you want to hear, I will ask you your thoughts on war and peace. I will resist encouraging you to break up with your boyfriend, I will share my phone charger when we are on a road trip as long as you let me have veto power over the music you try to play. Deal? Please? Please?

 Too Late. Time's Up. No friends. Your future is now and there is nobody here. It's all been established and what you hoped for will never ever be. Mundane, mediocre, complacent and lame. This is your life now. But you're married though, right? Obviously... Not. Just because your life is over doesn't mean your married. Just because you have no friends doesn't mean your life's over! And if, by the off-chance, you are married, it doesn't mean that you can't have friends. But if you in fact ARE married, maybe the friends you sleep with will be the one your wife or husband knows about. They say the best marriages are really just healthy open friendships.  And with the legalization of gay marriage, open marriages are even more commonplace (at least once a week, anyways). If you are married and are not sleeping with your friends, then I hope you are using protection and are understanding the repercussions of solicitation for all persons involved. Friendships that are not open often fail. Marriages between 2 happy (heterosexual?) friends can still prove to last the test of time. As long as you can trust your best friend and eachother's mutual friends to live the life together that each of you had vowed to live.

Who are your friends? Are they your big brother's friends? Are they your bros from your high school football team 10 years ago? Are they your weed dealer? Are they only people who are as edumacated as you? Maybe you and your friend shared experiences together years ago that some people might deem shameful. Maybe you and your friends all agreed to dislike the same room mate in college. Maybe they are your co-workers? Your superiors? Your juniors hate you, just so you know. If your friends aren't your little sister's friends that you really are just hoping to score with some day, then who else does that leave? Grandparents offer wisdom and money. Uncles are pervy or drunkards. Your aunt smoked too much dope in the 70's to be much more good than a couch to crash on. Her kids are all half your age and live with their dad in Tennessee. The parents: the disciplinarians. Your friends are imaginary? Pump up the RISPERDAL. Your friends are electronic? You recognize them by the pace of their keystroke returns. Their status updates, their taste in music, and "where they been". There is no need to hear their voice. No need for a cell with a mic or earpiece. It might really quiet things in this world down. Just a constant but soft hummmmmmmmmmmm of electonics charging. everywhere.     

Living life is not easy. "It's as easy as you make it", you say? If you say so. Be like Nike and Just Do It, right? Be like Lance and Live STRONG, eh? OK. United we are strong, this much is true. But finding the capacity to unite with like-minded individuals is another task in this world that takes 2 things: commitment and the willingness to see the good in other people. Finding the time to commit to, well, finding a friend is hard enough. What if you don't drink? Go to the dog park. Must Love Dogs was a movie for middle-aged women 10 years ago... I think. Go to the library? Lots of cute nerdy chicks at the library... so I hear. WAIT!!!! This post isn't about meeting girls!!! It's about  having a friend. It's about not being ALONE in this world and about knowing that someone has your back. Devotion to brotherhood. It's in all your 90's hardcore punk rock collection if this is still not sinking in.  Once committed, a guy's gotta find a way to supplement this symbiotic friendship. He needs to be able to AFFORD to have a social life, let alone have a romantic social life with the girl of his dreams! He needs to be able to afford beers and gas and tickets for things and beers and time away from whatever else might be preventing him from earning him an AFFORDABLE social/romantic life!!!

And until then, the guy abandons his expectations of having more from life.

How 'bout that second thing? "The willingness to see the good in other people". Kinda important. The key, I think, is to know and embrace the fact that we are alllllll hypocrites and we can only aspire to understand that "we were not put on this earth to subjugate or serve". It is true that there is a concession that judging others' lifestyles is not a socially accepted behaviour. Religious differences alone can be an incredibly divisive factor in how we choose our friends. Maybe we won't befriend somebody because of what they eat, drive, or style their hair. Maybe we secretly deem their lavish lifestyle inappropriate for their credit rating, assets, educational background,  earning potential, or motivation. Maybe the most bigoted inexcusable stereotype judgement of a "kind of person" not only extinguishes any potential of gaining a special friend, but also adds to the hatred and ugliness that is so widespread throughout the world today thanks to ... the way the world is today.


Personally, I don't think it's TOO LATE FOR FRIENDS like the Gob and Daggermouth album/song allude to. But let it be said that outside of the limited commitments I do have in my life, I can only hope that opportunity will present itself for me to be able to commit to building friendships. Heaven knows that I have truly met some incredible people through my last few jobs, my extensive degree, my hobbies, and interests and it would be terrific to be able to (at the very least) maintain those relationships through a means more substantial than facebook or e-mail. But let it be said as well that if a guy didn't have the family, girlfriend, career, or friends (in whatever capacity) holding him where he is, maybe all those things can be found someplace else in this world.

So, so long for now, friends! And thanks for wasting your time here!.

           

(some I only see on computer screens)

ch. 125

Leave it alone.

I am afraid. So afraid. I've never been afraid of anything in this world as I am right now. Which says a lot because I have a pretty open mind to the endless possibilities of scary things out there: nuclear war, alien invasion, tainted meat, global warming, saturated fats, ghosts, conservative majorities, God, finding myself with the wrong girl, genetically modified foods, arthritis, drug shortages, caffeine addictions, water shortages, China, future milk prices, cancer, being alone.

Companionship. That, I think, is the #1 thing in this world that the human soul desires most. The ability to find someone to be there with you when times are tough. In sickness and in health is how the vow goes... well, for many... eventually. Sometimes. The majority of both men & women alike will eventually strive to be able to return to that 1 person that is their world. Comfort in monogamy will finally trump the perceived necessity of not being “tied down” once they get the kink out of their system; once they think they've found their soul mate. To find that significant person and then be able to build, sculpt, intensify, and deepen your understanding of one another's most inner thoughts, feelings, and beliefs is what one of the penultimate keys is to finding happiness. “He completes me”, I think, is the line from the movie. And to be able to find this kind of love early on in life (high school sweethearts? mid-20s?, before 40??) is also a lot to be thankful for --- especially with constantly escalating divorce rates and rapidly declining numbers of 50 or 40 or 30 year marriages. "Without love, breathing is just the ticking of an unwinding clock counting down the time it takes for you to comprehend the sheer magnitude of every single precious breath you've ever wasted!” is the line from the song. But more than that, without love, LIFE is truly pointless. Comfort counts for a lot. Tenderness. Patience. Commitment. In this 21^st Century, sex-crazed, zero-attention spa-- wha? Oh yeah: youth are losing the understanding of what it takes to, well, love.

Love starts at home. Parenting. I've said it once, I'll say it again: blame the parents. Not the teachers, not the 'other kids', not the governments or the internet. It's the babies having babies that must instill the values and grace into our future generations before anything else. Sure, social safety nets provided by the government can play a role in deciding how easy it will be for a parent to raise a child (subsidize everything) especially for the low-incomers. Our babies will learn respect, temperance, and integrity from home. You cannot love outside of the home without living with love inside the home first. If we learn how to truly love at home, then there might be hope on this planet for future generations.

  

It must be understood that the time we have to love on this insane planet is truly a blessing. Too many tragic occurrences happen every single day for all the wrong reasons (or no reason at all) to think otherwise. Too many selfless acts go punished, too many generous causes are exploited... All of it can go away in a SNAP. Just. Like. That. Look outside your window right now: Yes, that is a nuclear bomb mushroom cloud over Calgary thanks to a trigger-happy Kim Jong Un. Yes, that is Hurricane Veronica hooking up with another nor'easter to destroy more of the New England coastline. I mean Cuba. Errr... Mexico. Vancouver? Well, those riots will go down in history but otherwise it will be remembered as a generally affluent, friendly town ever since that San Andreas fault slipped and that tidal wave devastated all coastal cities on the pacific. But still, you are doing OK.Then? Tomorrow morning after dodging out between parked cars to catch the bus for your morning commute - WHAM! Damn'. Smite down in your tracks. By a Ford F-350. No time for regrets or apologies. Too late to be contrite, to repent. Just darkness. Despite seemingly endless catastrophes all around the world, your world was a miracle. You were blessed.  Life is more than biology. It is cherishing. Remembering. Devoting  & dedicating. For reasons pre-supposing any science that we will ever be able to comprehend, we are put on this earth to do all those things. We were put on this earth to love. 

In our lifetime, we may or may not have the opportunity to meet our soul mate. But that's okay because the last time I checked, the soul was not listed in any anatomy book I ever saw. So it's not real? Does emotion and the ability to reason extend as far as we need it in order to appreciate the fact that this thing called a soul is actually nothing more than a sneaky little biochem trick? If that's so, a soul-mate is ridiculous and we might as well be happy to satisfy the voids in our lives with any one or any thing as often as we deem necessary: hookers & blow, frequent unsafe sex, smoking wild, drinking like a scotsman, pillage! rape! destroy! burn!  murder! murder! Murder! Take everything, give nothing back. No. We are logical yes, but it's our intuition that exists only because we do indeed have a soul. It's nothing you can see - it's deep, deep down there. Beyond the shame, doubt, denial, pride, and pain. Our soul is composed of our ability to have faith and to love. That's why we inherently go on day after day interacting with others: for that hint of a spark of a chance that we might end up meeting that soul mate.         

Loneliness is a natural state of being as well. It's bound to happen! We get comfortable with the relationships we have built for ourselves: a certain proximity to family members, neighbors, work colleagues, former classmates, boyfriends and girlfriends. And at least some of these people that we let into our lives at some point – to whatever extent – will in one way or another leave our life again. Personally, I am only aware of one former school friend that has been murdered. It's an insane reality that no one would ever imagine would happen. The devastating loss of 18 and 25 year old cousins 9 years apart from each other is a loss that also makes a guy wish they had cherished that time with them just that tiny bit more as well. It goes on and on and each of our story's are unique but nonetheless just as invaluable for teaching the life lesson of love. Of  being there. Of not taking the people that come into our lives for granted. Of putting in that tad bit of extra effort to empathize with the hardships that some of these people might have. "But as for me? I was not put upon this earth to subjugate or serve!"  Dealing with loneliness is the trick of it. Keep on truckin'! Easier said than done for some more than others, for sure. Even if you feel you are totally alone, there are still others there that will tell you otherwise. Privacy is important to an extent, but neglecting people completely is never good. That uncle with the alcohol problem, the neighbor who lost his wife, the BFF who had months of depression after a bad bad break-up. They need you. I'll say it. To love them. To them to know that they are not alone in their hour of need and that with time things will get better.   

Without going into too much detail, I will say that this last bit is the part that I fear the worst right the fuck now. More than I fear saturated fats or alien invasions. The results from Mom's scan are probably about a week or 2 away. Whatever the results may be, it doesn't change the fact that ovarian cancer is a terminal disease that can only be treated to a certain extent. And the fact that we are more than 2 years into the low 5 year survival rate doesn't make me happy. Without Mom, I am indeed alone in this world and this world is scary when all alone. But for all intents and purposes, I put on a brave face because Mom needs me to be brave and put the value of her life - our life together for nearly 29 years - ahead of anything else. I think the knowledge of having a limited time left to enjoy loving and being loved is the only thing that can be worse than knowing that your future will indeed become very, very lonely.

My only other fear is that because of my fear of being alone, I will become complacent and resign myself to a life less ... possible. I used to live by the lyric "I could never swallow your ideals of a lifeless happy ending" but now I feel that out of fear, that's exactly what I'll do. I'll become what I hate. And hate myself after living a "wasted" life for it. This juxtaposition of feelings of wanting to find love in this world & not being alone yet wanting to clench on to any opportunities that might come my way in this amazing incredible world without having to be accountable to another person is something I guess I will just have to figure out. Unless someone out there can help figure it out with me...

ch. 118

(no subject)

Hey. How's it goin? Life's been pretty good lately. Nothing too dramatic, nothing overly boring.  Anyways. Hope you are well. Let me know when anything exciting's going on, k? Seeya whenever.

Isn't it almost tragic how boring some relationships can be? Just overly regular familiarities of courteous greetings, idle chit-chat, and mild "so-longs" with zero degree of intensity or passion? Relationships that can invariably be classified as acquaintances or worse yet: colleagues.

Yeah, life has been super busy lately - my boss has made me stay late every day this week, and I think I may have got one of those "green light" speeding tickets on my way home from work last night. Not impressed. I also have to go to the dentist next week, so I sure hope Mr. Potatohead lets me out earlier so I have enough time to get there without being late... See you at the thing in a few days. *hugs*  


Don't get me wrong. Friends are good to have. But friendships between members of the opposite sex? Difficult. Possible. Reasonable? Waste of time! Not if it's with the right person. But how in the world do you ever really, really talk when shields are raised and very little of anything truly significant is ever said?

I propose that 21st Century Living has taken a lot away from not just "communicating", but rather: "saying something". In this fast-paced world a lot of emphasis is placed on brevity & conciseness (unlike this blog) since everybody's time is so damn' important. Taking the time to go ahead and put yourself out there when you have something to say can be a very scary place to be indeed. The vulnerability to attacks! from mean people can end you up in hurtful places. But your friends? They won't attack you. That hardened shell is hard to crack though, when you spend your days protecting yourself from the evils of the world.          

Vulnerability. This is the only way that people will ever really learn anything from each other. The ability to open yourself up and say something is the key in finding true happiness with those friends that are most important in your life. Even if that means opening yourself up to the opposite sex; even if that means becoming susceptible to the possibility of the purest form of friendship: love.
  
Letters are a dying art form. In them, the writer could spend the time trying to convey their deepest thoughts and feelings to the addressee: eloquent, passionate, descriptive, and endearing. Letters would pave the road in a relationship in such a way that any time spent apart would urgently be made-up for when the couple could be together again. Texting has replaced the virtually obsolete art of writing letters in this mad, mad world. Rather than long provoking tales of the sender's thoughts & dreams, txts from qwerty iPhones with more shorthand & acronyms than you can roll out in the time it takes to address an envelope can be sent. The necessary immediacy of building (lol) "relationships" this way take definitive substance away from developing any real potentially amazing relationship that could happen - if she would only say something .  E-mails aren't nearly as ridiculous as texts, as they usually allow for semi-complete thoughts/sentences:

so how did you like the movie the other night?
Oh I had to leave early. There was some place I had to be.
Too bad. It was pretty great. u will have to watch it when it comes out on DVD.
Really? Wow too bad I had to miss it. You will have to bring me the dvd when you buy it. You buy soo many dvd's!
I've got nothing better to spend my money on - might as well be a dvd collection. I'll make sure I drop it off at your place when I get it. See you at the dog park Thursday?  
k, ttfn.


See? nothing said, nothing (really) gained. Even though it is very obvious that they both have the same interests and seem to get on reasonably well. Physical attraction? What about the attraction? We all have flaws, don't we? (she don't!) They are friends. Great friends. That just sometimes happen to kiss. Hold hands. Acquaintances. Colleagues? Say something.


Without really saying something, how do you know if there can't be something more? Schrodinger's Cat is the best way that every person needs to look at any friendship that might have the potential to... go crazy. Alternatively, a person could deprive herself of the opportunity to ever say anything significant at all and run the risk of remaining alone forever!!!    


And remember. Mistakes happen. Everyone makes them. At the very worst, you will get knocked down hard if things don't turn out right - but you know you will come back stronger than ever! On the other hand, you might end up in one of the most substantial, significant relationships of your life. And it might even last. But you need to talk to me. And you can't be afraid to let me romance your pants off.



now let's get on skype and fuck.                                                     ch. 117

A D-gree in Intimacy

Or rather:

A Degree of  Intimacy.



Degrees are funny things. They are temperatures,  angles, papers on the wall. They are also distances spread between people or things. i.e. the 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon. It would be a pretty damn' sweet accomplishment to get a Degree in Intimacy though. Maybe even get on the Dean's List (ooooh, you naughty little....!) But in reality, the only recognition a person will ever get with respect to "Intimate Acclaim" is by practical... practice.  Word of mouth? Mouth of passion? Passion with no end.

Where is a person to ever even begin "earning" this kind of accreditation? Highs chool. Over the teenager's  3 year stint, it's not uncommon to get pretty familiar with the one of the simplest shapes of all: conjoined triangles.  Or diamonds.
 
The baseball diamond paradigm of "running the bases" works well for both socially inept engineers-in-the-making and meatheaded-surferboy jocks who are daring to stage their way through the endless exploration of "who they are" during their highschool years. And I think the linearity of the bases analogy works especially well for ~17 year old's because mostly everyone's  lack of experience in intimacy creates a generally level playing field.  It is only normal to expect a linear progression in a relationship as it proceeds from base... to base... to... POP FLY YOUR OUT!!!! Pop your fly open? Nope, the 1st one.

 Without going into the seminal details of each & every "base" (in which I was recently/finally straightened out about), I maintain that going through these steps still remains the best way of developing degrees of intimacy in a relationship. The real trick though is - I think - timing.      Rather than simply expecting to get the Grand Slam by the 2nd date or making a Triple Play maybe 3 months into the relationship, I think it is crucial to progress together at a pace that is comfortable for both (or more?) people carrying on with it.  THAT SAID:  Be more afraid of taking things way too slow than way too fast if you like the person.  And for the love of god, don't miss out on any openings where you might get a chance to steal a base - that is - until your partner cries "FOUL!" And hopefully if that happens, she's not referring to the smell of your balls.


There are so many sexual expectations nowadays. From Cosmo's sexy "how to's" available at every grocery store checkout counter to some of the darkest corners of the internet (no link provided) - it's a wonder how somebody can ever satisfy anybody! Me? I just keep an open mind and try not to look overly-desperate for it.


It's true - intimacy is much more than just sex. The ability to be with that special someone and give yourself up to them completely, to hold them in your eyes with complete vulnerability and to be able to provide them with a sense of wholeness and security is how the truest, most sincere degrees in intimacy are bridged. When that person you're with is at the stage where they are ready to give much of the same right back - you might be able to call it love. But mostly, keep in mind, that I don't have a CLUE what I'm talking about.


Stereotypes. Catholic girls. Hockey jocks. Women with short hair in engineering. Black guys. Punks, injins, gypsies, and thieves. All are bad. Everyone is unique with their own kinks and perversions. You never can know what to expect from any one person (or 2 people, if you are lucky that way).  The most innocent looking 24 year old sweetheart school teacher that lives in the apartment across from you might be submitting her very own sex tape c/w yardstick and plaid skirt for a chance to win SOME BIG TIME MONEY!  And the friendly shop owner down the street may be participating in some form of honour killing for the disgrace that his daughter brought to his family by running off with a white guy. It's all just a big gongshow. So try not to judge. If you can help it. Worry about your own life. And maybe not even about how or when your PANTS are coming off next, but maybe perhaps when the next time that you will see that special someone that fills the hole in your soul. 

Now let's go play some ball.


A final note on intimacy:

Keep it private, keep it exciting, keep it classy, keep it clean. But if you get a little raunchy sometimes - DON'T TELL ANYONE. Or else, film it and let me know that you did.   Don't be afraid to swing more than once, or from a different position. And when you get that out-of-the-park home run, run the bases sssllloooowllyyy. Tenderly. An inch at a time. Grounders are a different story.


I am pretty good at striking out.


chapter 99.

and remember:

Chapter 68: Love Her In A Dangerous Time

Time. There's that word again. It just keeps coming at us, tick tick ticking... but faster every minute. Time is never any good. Especially for anything. Especially for some things. A person could only have half a hope that his or her time spent here on this planet is really truly being well spent in the end. For me? Well, I'm not dying. That's how the ol' saying goes, right? "Live like you are dying." Live with intensity and passion and have no regrets. Have faith and trust in the people you surround yourself with and try to live your life with at least some degree of integrity.

She has got my attention again. After sooooo much time has already passed. I don't know if it had really ever faded away completely. And now. Here she is. After all these years. Vulnerability? Trust? Acceptance? HUGE factors this time 'round. Maybe cuz we are both that much older. Not to mention that it's such early days. There's just so much to be lost... so much to be gained, if we just knew how some things were going to play out...with time.

I can understand her insecurities: 1) look at ME! I am insecure about myself! Being a jelous, insecure wreck never helps matters. Ever. 2) She has reeallllly recently come out of a serious relationship and probably owes it to herself to not to do anything more than just go out and have "fun" for as long as she needs to and as many people she can. 3) She might already know how NON-compatible we already are, and is only soaking up the tenderness and care that I can try to offer her since that's what she needs right now, when really she is still hurting so much (despite putting on that brave, brave face!) 4) She is loving being there for me in this tough time, and knows how much I love having her around also. 5) She appreciates the value in time too and realizes that investing anything into another (potentially) significant relationship now could end in even more heartache down the road.

Where we might go from here? I don't know. Just like in many instances in the past, it might just end completely before it even really gets going at all. And that might even be for the best? But what about that BS about having loved and lost being better than never having loved at all?? After all, the worst that can happen is that we all just turn another year older as another year passes us by - alone again. Instead of taking a chance on this great opportunity, she or I or both of us together might decide that instead of squandering our time, we should be focusing on more realistic potential for where we want to see ourselves (individually) in time. Let's try not to forget the fact that my head is all over the place here lately, since my Mom has got sick and since I mull endlessly over what I want out of my own life...GAAAHH!! Not to mention the time that needs to be invested in achieving the more significant things that a person wants to accomplish in life, and what sorts of ties or blockades are holding a person back in working towards those things... *sigh*

But what I do know for sure is that it feels like magic when I am with her.

I am doing a better job of respecting the value of my time these days. I am trying, at least, especially given current circumstances. And I know I even have to simplify my life even more and make some hard fucking decisions. In making these choices, though, windows & doors get slammed shut and might not open again for a long, long time. And if these choices I make are the wrong ones, then it ends up feeling like a hell of a lot of time just wasted altogether.

One of the things I have committed to this year is spending more time on bettering my health. Cardio, muscular, nutrition, (are those the whole 9 yards?) Well it's a start anyways. I know that this way, that even if this (doomed?) "relationship" fails before it even begins, then I will at least have something else going for me: a hot irresistable bod for the next girl out there that I can trick into making think I am mostly a pretty good guy. The second thing is to "unplug" more. I hate most things that the cyber/electronic world turn people in to: monsters, that is. Electronic devices, social media, and instant gratification from knowledge via communication with others or the world of google is making us all less human. And last time I checked, even the best (worst) of porn websites do not come equipped with a real life vagina for you to put your dick into. If this "relationship" her and I were to get serious, then you better believe that she would want it to be "posted" of facebook. Labeling something between 2 people on some website for others to witness/interpret/judge/(dis)approve of isn't really necessary, is it? Especially if the 2 people hardly know what it is they have between them themselves! A couple could truly find some comfort in the sanity that whatever kind of personal happenings and occurrences that is going on between them is only for them.

I hate myself for loving her. Is it love? What is love? Is four and a half years "love"? Is buying a condo together "love"? How about a puppy? Who even decides when or where that plateau is reached. I'd like to think that love is never-ending and that a couple can grow to love each other forevermore. Hell, love could be having a coffee if you are genuinely enjoying the time you are spending with that other person. But if those coffee dates cease to occur then she very may well turn into one of the best things that never quite happened to me. Forget about condos or puppies.


I don't want to wait for time. I don't want to wait for the next best one to come along. I don't want to worry about anything at all but my being there for her and her being there for me. Without any insecurities. Ever.

there you are (ch. 94)

are you there? you look like you're there. maybe "there" is farther away than what it appears to be. than i want it to be. than i need it to be. i am sure you are there. but it's so tough to tell.

others are there. there is far away though. it makes me want to GO there. god knows i wish i could. why can't i? well, i can. 1 day. soon? hopefully. in the MEAN time. and in between time? here you are! are you here? i like it when you are. you take the pain away. you make me feel like everything is going to be okay. i suppose there is no way of really knowing whether you are here as much as i think you are. except for having trust. trust is hard. especially when you think that it might be a good idea to go way over there where you think there are others you could trust more. i wouldn't even think of going there if i knew you were here. and you are here... right? but how long will you be here? if you go, i will not stop you. i might even try to go WITH you. especially if i know you know i will be there for you like you are here for me now. like you know that i will be there for you always. i've waited for you this long already and i think you know that i was always here for you. and there too. even then. even though you didn't need me there til now. like i need you. here now. here too.


i hope you hear what i am saying. there are things here worth being here for. you and i? we can go there together later. and if you do not or cannot be here, i might just have to go there. without you. to be with someone who can be here. i want it to be you who is there for me. but if you don't think you can be there, or here, i have trust that someone out there will be here. it's just a matter of finding out who that might be. and whether or not my time here - with you or without you - will run right out first.



ch.94 is related to another blog from quite a while back. It's a lot better. But I wasn't drunk when I wrote it.

It takes two... doesn't it?

Chapter 57

It doesn't take much to get a reaction from most people by saying ludicrous or blasphemous or just plain stupid crap. And a guy can really earn himself a reputation by using his big yap in a repetitive fashion such that people really start to think: "Is this guy for real?!" With borderline common sense and a sliver of "knowing your audience", I find that I can really get away with saying some pretty wild stuff while still staying out of trouble. So when it comes to talking to members of the opposite sex who may not know me very well, I have to try & push the envelope a bit while taking care to not push things too TOO far. Especially early on.

But some girls are just so damn' difficult to talk to. You can be within 2m of them and feel the sexual tension between the two of you. And that's usually when your voice becomes completely stifled and lips totally parched. Blame the hot dry Alberta air if you want, but between the two of you, you both know that only relative humidity that matters is the relative humidity IN YOUR PANTS! (haha, made myself laugh)

It's pretty tough in asking out a girl. Especially when you happen to know that she is more likely than not way out of your league. But it still is just one of those things that just has to get done. And a guy has got to be careful or he may very well end up as "Just Friends" - and what guy really wants that?! Then again, some of the best long-term relationships - Hell, I'll say it: Marriages - are more likely to last when a deeper respect and friendship is in place between both parties from a very early stage.

Some girls that a guy asks out will turn out to be prissy conceited beotches. This is their shield. The shield that my confident charm and charismatic character help to penetrate.

Ha!

So what a guy really must figure out is whether the persistence, endurance, relentlessness, and (false) hope he is investing in will be worth it in the long run. Finding something more than just platonic respect in a companion. Keep on keeping on. Fool, give UP already! How long can a guy really cling on to a glimmer of a hope after all? And what if he invests in a significant amount of time persisting, enduring, provoking - all to just find out that she's, say, more into girls in the end! Bummer dude. Call it: character development.

I think what it comes down to in the end is The Height of the Bar, degree of intrigue she may offer, and to a lesser extent: alcohol tolerance. It would be nice if I had a clue in hell as to whether any of the investments made (quick-witted conversations, flattery, shaving) pay off at a much earlier time. Rather than finding out that she is seeing someone or is just exceptionally career-minded & has no time to waste on relationships/me. priorities, right? I think I might have dwelled on "priorities" once or twice through this blog of mine... Also, initiation is key. Wouldn't it be nice if she took the initiative? This seldom happens. And when it does, the guy is usually so incredibly thick the he doesn't even realize it whatsoever. Explicit Provoking. That is really the only answer. Thank you "facebook pokes" for opening up a whole new gateway of possibilities, as unseemly as they might be. So if the lack of initiative on her part is just a matter of the guy opening up his eyes and realizing what's happening - that's one thing! But if the impenetrable shield she has in place simply for the fact that she can't stand him (or her bar's set Just That Much Higher), well - that's another thing completely.

Scarlett Johannson is pretty.


Sidenote:

This blog is about having more than one person willing to invest in and build towards a more meaningful relationship, rather than just having the guy torment himself with aggravating relentless attempts at having a shot with someone he has no business having a shot with. That Said. I am going to try to say something that doesn't sound overly sensitive (for the Pisces I am) or overly critical of my friends or the Institution of the Roman Catholic Church.

All good Catholics, I would have thought, would be much more welcoming to non-Catholics than I ever saw growing up. Once an outsider, always an outsider. Unless you baptize, confirm, and go to church every Sunday? No thanks. But truly, there was a minuscule amount of inclusion through this institution. As above, it takes two parties to be willing to show an interest in each other if any sort of relationship is going to have a shot. The lack of willingness of the church and its followers to embrace - heck, even save a lost soul is a little bit underwhelming.

And further yet, as friends grow apart with time and distance, it is really very easy to go from changing your thinking to that friend being "someone you used to know". That's why I find it funny that more/better attempts aren't made - even between friends - to keep in touch about any goings-on that the other might find interesting. Way to go, pal! Ya know, I would have liked to go to that strip club with you guys, too!



Old Blogs Semi-Related:
http://eternalhappyness.blogspot.com/2008/04/wavelength.html
http://eternalhappyness.blogspot.com/2009/02/hole-filler.html

I Won't See You Again Tonight, Pt. 7?

Hide. You know you will. Behind those big dark sunglasses you will remain. Nothing, nobody penetrating inward. But the power in those beautiful eyes to conquer and destroy, build and bless --- if they ever come off.

You are up to your neck in everything that makes you so appealing. so sexy. No room for anything else. Saturated and spent. Exhausted yet exhilarated! Living a life that is much to be desired. And shared only with the people in your life that you know that you will always be able to count on. And me? Barely breathing. But still alive! You induce vitality. That is probably why I like being around you so much. You make me feel alive. Who even needs breathing when you feel this alive?!?!

And you will be successful. You will be amazing. Even more than you are now. And you will leave the rest of us all feeling really, really, stupid. But proud to have known you. I feel stupid already. Mostly for feeling like this way about you. Why do any of us do this to ourselves? I suppose it has something to do with you just being so unbelievably breath-taking. Maybe I should really try and remember to breathe...

So consider this. There will come a day when it will be the last day we ever see each other again.

And you will become more perfect as I watch from a little ways back, as those big black sunglasses get dropped - but only for a minute and only from such a distance that that one special person will be able to have those beautiful blue eyes pierce his with full focus.

Or else you will be in my arms and we will be old. Where you dropped those sunglasses years ago and it was only you and me in this world. My eyes forever locked in yours and yours in mine. Those eyes that destroyed me and built me up making me stronger, strongest. Eternal strength.

I only hope that if you ever do look my way into the shadows, in hopes of getting some shade from your sun-filled path, I just don't blink.





So maybe I won't see you tonight. Not in the way I want to see you. Not from the other side of those blinders you sport so fashionably. And maybe you won't see me. But I will be here, waiting. On the bench on the hill, when the sun goes down, when the shades really should be coming off after all...

My Angel

What can I even say? Besides the fact that I am now absolutely positive that there is only one person on this side of the earth who absolutely melts my heart. My knees shake and my voice trembles whenever I am within six feet of her. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. It's been this way with no other woman that I have been the least bit close to. The air becomes drier than air in the sahara when the sun's at its highest. I feel chills but my temple beads with sweat droplets and I know in the back of my mind that every single one of my flaws has become a million times worse. But I can't even think of wiping the booger that is hanging from the tip of my nose or even trying to suppress the alfalfa-style cowlick at the back of my head, as I am too busy being absolutley mezmerized by her. Luckily, I didn't fall down when tripping over my own shoelaces that don't seem to ever stay done up. Or maybe I did, but I was just in such an oblivious stuporous state, that I didn't even notice. Her smile is so warm and genuine that I can't help to believe that she's actually even enjoying the random retarded nothingness of sentences stringed together that I'm pitching to her. She listens and tries soo incredibly hard to comprehend what I might be trying to say. But her angel eyes look into mine and my heart is in my throat and it's all I can do to not look down at my un-tied shoes. Those penetrating yet soft blue eyes remind me of the southern carribean sea. I don't know if it's because of their endless depth, of their beautiful colour, or the way they sparkle even when the sun's not there. They seem to look deep past mine as if trying to find something deeper and more substantial than my semi-dirty blue jeans and my somewhat wrinkled t-shirt. Her long brown hair dangles modestly in a windless evening but still shines - even when the sun's not there. It smells like something sweeter than roses and fresher than rain. I can smell it from a mile away. But the distance between us usually more like 2 miles - what might as well be 20 thousand.






Perhaps the most beautiful thing about her is her spirit. Her soul, passion, and heart. It radiates from her and energizes me. It makes me feel like I can conquer the world and the universe, too. Her drive & focus to become the change we need in this world today inspires me to want to become the man who can stand by her side and change this world together.







So I work at it. Little by little, bit by bit. I talk a lot about priorities and time and what a person should be doing with their life. I try to act on those, with getting as undistracted or disheartened as possible. It's hard though. Knowing that there is truly an angel on earth but being soooo far removed from anything this absolutely perfect is somewhat hard to take. I will not give up though. I will try my damndest to be her lobster. If only I don't get eaten up first.

i am here

here i am. it's hard to believe. with plans and ideas. ideals and convictions. no, not those kind of convictions. yet, anyways. but this is me. degreed. here. now. forever. and now what? hopes?dreams? always. fingers? ever-crossed. can't begin to count the first stars i've seen any night. but what more can a guy really wish for? a few things. his wildest most out-of-this-galaxy dreams to come true? doubtful. but surely, some dreamers get the chance of living their dreams? i think they do. but here? now? that's where i am. do i have to go somewhere to make them come true? possibly. and what about that time thing. running out? probably. but what if everything that could make the dream come true is right in front of my eyes but i'm just to thick to comprehend? and time? what about time??? some things will come to be, i know. the dates are set and everything. but in the mean time. and in between time! what then? patience. wears thin. is a virtue. but even so, there's so much to live for! so much to stand for!!! even from here. even if everything "good" looks like it's over there. thousands of miles away. how do you know you are compensating for something less than what your wildest most incredible dreams might be if your far-sighted scope let's you miss every happiness that you could ever wish for? here. where i am. where you are.

i will go to the ends of the earth for this happiness i seek. unless it finds me here first.

You're So Lame!

chapter 56.

A friend of mine that has somewhat similar interests (and a somewhat rockin' hot bod) came out to party with me a few nights back. We were off to a concert. We had a bit of time before it started so we got to talkin' about things. She's usually pretty candid, and I think that's another reason why I like her (besides her rockin' hot bod, that is). The #1 topic of conversation for that night though was how some people are just really lame. Well, it was mostly her telling me about how she finds a lot of guys she meets just sooooo incredibly lame! And here I'm trying to not be all on the defensive, seeing how in truth, I can be particularly lame in a lot of circumstances. Her case included her motivation and ability to stay out til 4, for 2 or 3 nights in a row, dancing, drinking, having a good time, and still getting to class the next day. She would say how "Peter" would come out to party one night, then sleep in all day the next day, missing his classes, and not do anything again for at least a couple nights. She would say about how when Peter comes out, he would be more or less a drag and not really have much to bring to the party (ohhh get your mind out of the gutter). But nevertheless, he was her friend & would continue to come out to party at least from time to time.

So I got to thinkin'. Why are some people perceived as being so insufferably lame? There must be a legitimate reason. What fundamental changes could a guy make in his life/lifestyle such that he would: A) Have the energy to do more, B) Be perceived by women as being less lame, C) Generate the self-esteem to be comfortable in knowing that he is in fact not lame, by his own standards, at the very least, and D) Use this lack of feeling of insufficiency to do good for the world, including his own.

Why We're Lame
(Or perceived as, anyways)

Lack of sleep can be attributed to 19th, 20th & 21st Century technology, as well as capitalism. (It's just a fun thing to do, to blame every problem in the world on capitalism, when you are in your twenties.) Thomas Edison had the light bulb lighting up our homes as early as the 1880s, resulting in our ability to stay up later, finishing that last few pages of that good book, without fear of knocking over the tealight and burning our houses down. Mass industrialization and supply & demand from the war years onward resulted in men staying @ work later, then continuing their work well into the night, from desktops to laptops to blackberries. And most recently, in the year 2009, we are seeing kids up all night, playing with their video games, doing their "homework", and writing their blogs. In addition, capitalism has created this demand from us in which we are required to work harder & staying up later, which will benefit the company, and its employees by monetary compensation. So then we can afford that new mattress that we use for 6, maybe 7, hours a night.

So lethargy/tiredness is a large contributing factor in how people can be perceived as being lame. They will likely simply be too tired to do anything fun ever. Especially when one of the only things they end up doing with their "free time" is working. But if a guy is able to get a decent night's sleep, then all the more likely will it be for him to want to...exercise.

It doesn't matter if it's a walk with the dog around the block, push-ups in the bedroom before bed, going to the gym 3 nights a week, or dancing around in punk show mosh pits. All are easier to do when you aren't totally exhausted. And when this person is well rested, and is feeling fit and good about their body, the more likely will they feel they have the right to talk to that 1 special girl, or that any random girl.

Another reason that a person may be perceived as one lame motha f*#$a is that he actually holds a set of morals and values. Perhaps a god or a religion inhibits him from enjoying the finer things of life (use your own imagination). Maybe a sense of guilt, manners, respect, appreciation-for-health-studies, etc. has made him act in this "lame" way. Maybe he just can't handle his booze, and therefore refuses to let it cloud his judgement, in fear of becoming a father, or even worse: taking home a really ugly chick. I am going to get in trouble from sooo many feminists who read this blog...

I am almost convinced that my friend (with the rockin' hot bod) that was talking about "Peter" being lame, may very well actually been referring to me. As a result, I am now going to turn off this blog machine, the lights, and go get me a good night's sleep. Maybe then - at the next concert - I will have the courage to take her in my arms, stroke my hand through her long brown hair, look into her pacific blue eyes, and say to her: "It's waaayy past my bedtime".

Do something.

Hole Filler

Hole Filler
(I will fill your void, Ch. 39)

When you are feeling down & blue,

I will always be there for you.

When the sun won't come out and shine,

I'll bring you lightbulbs - the indoor sunshine lighting kind.

Those days when the piano just sounds out of key,

You can come laugh at my singing - at karaoke!

If you're ever caught wearing some mis-matched socks,

I'll remind you your brain's still bigger than most jocks'.

If having an impact is what you are trying to do,

Don't get discouraged by those short-sighted few.

And when you get shut down & out from him once again,

Always know that I will be your friend.

Okay. So there we go. What a cute (pathetic) little rhyme. I knoooowww!!! Talk about cheesey. But I gotta just say this: How frustrating must it be for a guy who is so stupidly reasonable, patient, open, & do I daresay lonely, to be frustrated by women time & time again. I am not speaking of myself, or any one man in particular, but rather, of all the good guys out there that just can't seem to find themselves in any sort of substantial relationship in his past decade of living. What is it that we (yes, I include myself in this group) are missing? How many *ahem* short-comings have to accumulate before the self-esteem of these men is driven so low that they terminally resign themselves to the fact that they will likely be alone forever? A guy can only put himself out there so much, you know (unless he's a dancer, I think), and when he lacks the resources like: charm, good looks, personality, style, or depth (or length) ((what?!)), what really can he do? Alcohol. (well, duh!!)

I try to convince myself that men really shouldn't need liquid courage in order to talk to the opposite sex. Genuine relationships that might last are based out of first impressions, true; but also, if those first impressions are essentially skewed by babbling alcohol-induced nonsense, then what would a woman with a cool & collected head on her shoulders really see in that? The only chance that the pair really even has is that she is already SOOO effing loaded, that she doesn't see him as an afraid little boy without a clue in his mind as to what he might possibly have to offer her, but rather just go for that One Good F*#@. Then again, I am drinking right now, so all of this is really a bunch of shit.

So as a result this is what you see: middle-aged middle-class career-minded single men, that only can dream of the day that they have enough money in their bank accounts to attract some piece of hot tail half their age. No kidding. If that's not the case, you see the most reasonable of men lowering their standards to such a level that they impregnate the next woman that'll spread'm for him. Like come on! Maybe I am wrong in that these men in fact ARE realizing their own maximum potential and enjoying what they can, while they are still young enough to enjoy anything at all, without the arthritis creeping in, that is...

But as for me, in the meantime, I will continue to go around filling the voids that are in her life. I will be that friend - that confidant and muse. I will tell her funny stories and listen to her complain about the weather. I will be that shoulder for her to cry on and that wallet that can always afford that 1 extra drink @ closing time. A whore, essentially. It's exhausting. She knows it too, but just the same, feels like she owes him nothing more than the occasional phone call or text (which she is perfectly right about, by the way). Even though she thinks about him more than she cares to admit. One day though, as persistent patience plays itself out, he will truly find That One that he has always dreamt about all his life. And when it happens, he won't understand how, why, who, what things in all of thuniverse could have possbily transpired to get him - them - to this stage. Especially after all of this time. All of this patience. And headaches. Loneliness.

(what an emo-ass whiny little bitch - like FUCK. note to self: drink mickey of rum to self this weekend.)

It's What You Do With It! - Part 3

Part 3: Matters of The Heart

What I've noticed is that when people are "in love" or in a relationship or even are just casually dating, they tend to spend a hell of a lot less time doing things they normally would. For example, blogging becomes virtually extinct. Who cares about getting your opinion out there because at the very least, you have that significant other to rant or rave or even just talk to about what's on your mind. (Or you just fuck, cuz apparently those relationships work well too, to some extent). The other things that tend to become less frequent are your phone calls to buddies, visits to grandmas (see Part 2), watching less late night tv, and finding more appropriate pictures n' stuff to google on the interweb. You might even excercise or eat healthier (at least until they realize that they're partner is getting fat ---- WHAT?!?!?! jk.

Fine and dandy.

So I suppose the only real issue I have with this (besides points addressed in p.2) is that there is no way in hell that a couple can absolutely know for sure that they are with the right person til death does them part by the age of 21 or 22. I have a friend EVEN OLDER THAN ME! that has been in a whole whack of relationships, and this person at least knows that there is more to life out there then settling for somebody second-rate, just so that they can start building their perfect nuclear family in their perfect suburbian house with their ... blah blah, you get the idea.
That person is willing to wait for that one that will float their boat, and just have fun in the mean time.

I've noticed that Country Kids tend to marry young. "yeeeeep, I'm fah-rum m' daddy's farm n' ah 'm gonna bring me home a perrrdy bride next year to help me raise us some chickens!" K, maybe it's not quite like that. In fact the town of Chauvin, Alberta has recently been proven to show otherwise, according to one of my sources. But otherwise, I would stand by my word and say that farm-folk settle and marry young (If I could only find ME a farmer's daughter! --- YEEEE-HAW!) My reasoning is that some of these kids are sooo eager to get away from their small town trap that they just fall in love immediately to some city bloak (or girl) and bear children.

Similarly, Good Little Catholics (like me???) are taught to be true and pure and loyal to one mate (of opposite sex, of course) forever and ever. Recently, I know of 3 couples from the catholic church getting married. Good Catholics are also not supposed to be having the pre-marital sex. By being engrained with such messages from such a young age and then having such a humongous surge of hormones a little later on, it's no wonder that the second that some of these kids find out that "somebody LIKES me" that they are more than willing to make sacrifices, settle for anything, in order to be with that 1 person. No sex for you with anyone else. Ever. Or else if you do, I forget which of Dante's Realms of Hell you end up in, but none seem too inviting.

Some people struggle with the thought of being alone. Some people even fear the idea of it. Sure, I can buy that, but gosh: Get A Room Mate! Unless you are soooo incapable of satisfying those carnal desires, might I reccomend a friend with benefits? But don't fear being alone forever, because, I - being the romantic pisces that I am, believe that there is someone for everyone (except those REAL WEIRDOS obviously, haha). True love waits, according to radiohead anyways.

So yes. Being in 2 or 3 relationships between your late teens and early 20s then fearing to ever move on to a new chapter of your life, to me, is selling out. You are sold into a false belief that you will be the happiest you could be - there is no better match for you anywhere in the world. You've already got a comfortable (mundane) life of normalcy, repitition, mortgage payments, maybe a cat to feed or a lawn to mow. You are stable.

But before you get tooooo stable, know that risk can lead to incredible things, especially when it is your heart that is allowing you to go out and take these risks. The brain is only capable of doing so much!!