Drive to Kill!

They call it an accident. A  slamming of the breaks and a wrenching of the steering wheel - seconds? milliseconds?? after impact. Whether that impact is with a gravel truck, lamp post, mini-van, or teenager on his bike travelling at night through an unmarked crosswalk, it's often too, too late.  2,011 vehicular collisions resulted in a daughter, father, sister, uncle, aunt, mom, brother being killed 2,209 times in Canada in 2009.   Why? Even if the numbers of these tragic deaths are down from generations passed, this unneccesary taking of life will never be the same for the families that are left behind. Sometimes, destroying that family beyond any hope of repair.

Sometimes when I am driving I envision that pedestrian walkway I just coasted through. Or that 3-way stop in front of the school. Did I really do everything I could have to ensure the absolute safety of anyone that might have been there?  I like to think I did. I like to think I am a pretty good driver. But then again: So. Does. Everybody.

MADD is probably the #1 advocate towards the creation of positive change of driver attitudes. Despite sad year-to-year reports of not much ever improving for alchol related traffic deaths. Maybe for real change to ever happen though, we need a PADD - Politicians Against Drunk Driving. This is only a pipe dream though, because it is usually the politicians that can't stop drinking! In all seriousness, though, the senseless murders on Canadian roadways have to stop. I think it would be great if the city would leave the fatality signs up wherever someone has succumb to a traffic-inflicted tragedy. And perhaps when a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th or 10th loss of life occurs there, they put up a round bright orange 2 foot sign with the cumulative number of deaths at the location that it happened. This would probably result in the public's realization that current mitigation techniques at ending road deaths is inadequate.    In the meantime, families continue to suffer because someone just doesn't get it. Christopher Dew's sentencing for the murder of a grandmother of 6 is slated for today.  The conviction of this murderer might result in a 24 month or else a 30 month prison sentence, depending on whether the Courts feel that the extra 6 whole months will do him any good or not. Keep in mind that this clean-cut white boy has served as a peacekeeper in Bosnia and is looking forward to becoming a humanitarian aid worker in some poor, poor, developing country. Currently, my aunt's native-born foster child is serving a 2 year sentence for trafficking marijuana, first offence.   What gives.

Even when it isn't alcohol-induced idiocy behind the wheel, there still remains the constant potential for certain traffic death. This is often due to belligerent, ignorant asshole drivers that have no respect for anything but themselves.

Impatience is wearing thinner than ever on Alberta roadways. Merging onto a freeway can be stupidly hazordous as speed-demons cut through solid white lines, disregarding any respect for their fellow road companion or the laws of the city that are put in place to make us all feel at least a little more safe.  Stale yellows? Well, you go right ahead, but I'm not chancing it! The distracted driver bylaw? I fortunately do not have $60 or $80 for an iPhone bill every month, so fucking around on facebook while driving is out of the question. Texting is sooooo 2004. Eating while driving? Kinda gross. Changine CDs is probably my biggest vice, but at leat I am not applying mascara. Which brings me to women drivers. Without getting myself into toooo much trouble, let's just say: Yowza.  Soccer Mom's are the worst. The stress of the job of being a working Mom nowadays makes them the most insane drivers on the road. Those SUVs are indestructible though, so even with the whole fandamly in the back, she can still afford to exceed posted speeding limits by 30%. Buckle up, kids.

Extremely poor driver education and an incredible degree of ease in attaining a license do not make matters any better. Newcomers to Canadian roadways, old people, and indeed 16 year old children would all benefit from an annual re-education of 2-axle vehicle operation every year, complete with a thorough practical government administered examination for 3 years after first earning their Class 5. And old people have to get off the roads at age 75, please. The exam must be rigorous enough that the people incapable of learning even the most fundamental and necessary safety aspects of driving will NOT be driving! After all, we all know that there will be more than enough of these people that pass the test, then totally disregard everything that they were told anyways. Let's at least make it hard for them to earn that privilege of fucking around on our roadways.

If there ever is a time where a person's unacceptable driving affects you directly, I encourage you to speak up and fight for what you know to be right! Enough with the apathy. And flipping the person off doesn't do much more good either. Leaving a note on the driver's windshield is at least something, but it's better if you can muster the balls to say what needs saying to their face. Politely? Politely. As possible.  True, we can all try and exemplify a more civilized, empathetic behaviour of others' undignified driving habits or techniques. But sometimes ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! (I think it's time to pull out the 9-iron from the back seat now).

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Moving On.

As globalization continues, fuel prices will increase. Eventually they will be so unconceivably high that only the privileged elite will be able to afford to drive. But please be rest-assured: the combustion of fossil fules will continue well into the 2050s. 

Urbanization will keep our streets crowded and more public transit infrastructure will go ahead REGARDLESS of how poorly it is implemented. Even the best of public transit infrastructure will not deter the privileged elite that can afford to drive their own person vehicles from driving.

And with every additional car on the road, we continue to kill our planet with every last tonne of CO2 that is emitted into the atmosphere. even if we start driving more fuel efficient vehicles, the likelihood of our old cars not being driven by somebody within the next 10 or 20 years is pretty low. In addition, "more fuel efficient cars" does not mean "no fuel" cars, and will resultedly continue to wreck havoc on the environment! This website indicates that about 50 MILLION cars are produced every year worldwide, with 600,000,000 currently coasting around city streets.  Our oil dependent lifestyle will only intensify with our desperation for newer, better, and even more "environmentally friendly" / technologically advanced cars. The production  alone of  millions of "zero" emission cars will certainly contribute to global warming in the production line! Anthropogenic climate change. This is unsustainable.

In the year 2050, disparity and inequality will run rampant, leaving our poor civilized society in shambles. Right now, I am reading Collapse by Jared Diamond who demonstrates how crucial it is for us to aknowledge the warning signs before it's too late. It's not a case of "probable" or "likely" or "mitigation" or "work-on-technology-to-save-us" It's a matter of the necessity of change. Now. Everywhere. Fast. 

The City of Edmonton is being laughed at for the $100M in creating & expanding cycling lanes over the next 10 years.  Maybe if we're lucky, some of those 50,000,000 cars produced annually will not make it to Edmonton, and there will be more room for those of us who enjoy riding a bike on those new paths, with having less fear of being mowed down by some F-250 Hemi Engine Pick Up Truck or Distracted Driver or Soccer Mom. At least for the 5 or 6 months that the weather allows for cycling up here on latitude 53.

Today is World Car-Free Day! And it is also the day that my cousin was killed in a traffic accident 15 years ago. She was 18. I miss you, Shantell.

ch50.2/7C.2

A D-gree in Intimacy

Or rather:

A Degree of  Intimacy.



Degrees are funny things. They are temperatures,  angles, papers on the wall. They are also distances spread between people or things. i.e. the 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon. It would be a pretty damn' sweet accomplishment to get a Degree in Intimacy though. Maybe even get on the Dean's List (ooooh, you naughty little....!) But in reality, the only recognition a person will ever get with respect to "Intimate Acclaim" is by practical... practice.  Word of mouth? Mouth of passion? Passion with no end.

Where is a person to ever even begin "earning" this kind of accreditation? Highs chool. Over the teenager's  3 year stint, it's not uncommon to get pretty familiar with the one of the simplest shapes of all: conjoined triangles.  Or diamonds.
 
The baseball diamond paradigm of "running the bases" works well for both socially inept engineers-in-the-making and meatheaded-surferboy jocks who are daring to stage their way through the endless exploration of "who they are" during their highschool years. And I think the linearity of the bases analogy works especially well for ~17 year old's because mostly everyone's  lack of experience in intimacy creates a generally level playing field.  It is only normal to expect a linear progression in a relationship as it proceeds from base... to base... to... POP FLY YOUR OUT!!!! Pop your fly open? Nope, the 1st one.

 Without going into the seminal details of each & every "base" (in which I was recently/finally straightened out about), I maintain that going through these steps still remains the best way of developing degrees of intimacy in a relationship. The real trick though is - I think - timing.      Rather than simply expecting to get the Grand Slam by the 2nd date or making a Triple Play maybe 3 months into the relationship, I think it is crucial to progress together at a pace that is comfortable for both (or more?) people carrying on with it.  THAT SAID:  Be more afraid of taking things way too slow than way too fast if you like the person.  And for the love of god, don't miss out on any openings where you might get a chance to steal a base - that is - until your partner cries "FOUL!" And hopefully if that happens, she's not referring to the smell of your balls.


There are so many sexual expectations nowadays. From Cosmo's sexy "how to's" available at every grocery store checkout counter to some of the darkest corners of the internet (no link provided) - it's a wonder how somebody can ever satisfy anybody! Me? I just keep an open mind and try not to look overly-desperate for it.


It's true - intimacy is much more than just sex. The ability to be with that special someone and give yourself up to them completely, to hold them in your eyes with complete vulnerability and to be able to provide them with a sense of wholeness and security is how the truest, most sincere degrees in intimacy are bridged. When that person you're with is at the stage where they are ready to give much of the same right back - you might be able to call it love. But mostly, keep in mind, that I don't have a CLUE what I'm talking about.


Stereotypes. Catholic girls. Hockey jocks. Women with short hair in engineering. Black guys. Punks, injins, gypsies, and thieves. All are bad. Everyone is unique with their own kinks and perversions. You never can know what to expect from any one person (or 2 people, if you are lucky that way).  The most innocent looking 24 year old sweetheart school teacher that lives in the apartment across from you might be submitting her very own sex tape c/w yardstick and plaid skirt for a chance to win SOME BIG TIME MONEY!  And the friendly shop owner down the street may be participating in some form of honour killing for the disgrace that his daughter brought to his family by running off with a white guy. It's all just a big gongshow. So try not to judge. If you can help it. Worry about your own life. And maybe not even about how or when your PANTS are coming off next, but maybe perhaps when the next time that you will see that special someone that fills the hole in your soul. 

Now let's go play some ball.


A final note on intimacy:

Keep it private, keep it exciting, keep it classy, keep it clean. But if you get a little raunchy sometimes - DON'T TELL ANYONE. Or else, film it and let me know that you did.   Don't be afraid to swing more than once, or from a different position. And when you get that out-of-the-park home run, run the bases sssllloooowllyyy. Tenderly. An inch at a time. Grounders are a different story.


I am pretty good at striking out.


chapter 99.

and remember:

Let's Get Extreme

Chapter 82: Let's Get Extreme!!!

(or: When Did You Become So Boring?)

Doing things that are extreme can be fun. They are often deemed by others to be "hardcore" or "deathly", thus bringing one's cool-0-meter to a an all new high. So for the people that care about things such as these, then NOT being afraid to have hobbies & interests that are considered extreme will likely become a beneficial/crucial part of your every day life.

The following are a few examples of extreme things that a person could do, if seeking to be the least bit non-conformist, or at the very least - a tad adventurous:

• Tattooing and piercing - get the neck tattoo. I hear spiderwebs are popular. Or the nipple ring. You too, ladies.
  
  
• Get Motorbiking. Cycling is truly more non-conformist, but that loud, raucous causing, 2-wheeled chopper will always be the epitome of rebel. Not to mention there is a degree of danger to it that screams "extreme", depending on, of course, which tattoo & piercing studio you go to.
  
  
• Go Sky Diving. This puts bungee jumping to shame. And let's face it: That helmet is wearing you for protection.
  
  
• Attend a G8/G20 summit. Bust some shit up. Try to not get arrested. Or do.
  
  

Being extreme will be closely associated with having a unique and inexplicable range of taste in things. He or she will take a great pleasure in a wide, wide spectrum of places, books, people, and things. The more polarized these interests are will be indicative of how truly A) out of his/her mind a person is or B) how confused he/she is about the priorities in his life. This spectrum of interests can include things like:

• Foods. Living the vegan/vegetarian life one month and then having nothing but The Cow the next. Eating banana peppers on tuna fish and peanut butter & ham sandwiches will help you to achieve this whole new level on the extreme-o-meter.
  
  
• Politics. Be a neo-ultraconservative greedy self-absorbed capitalist bastard, that actually cares about the environment (or says he does, anyways). In a more general sense, "Being Albertan but having Socialist Ideals" are 2 extremes that really make a person fairly unique. Think that former coke-head Tory MP: Rahim Jaffer.
  
  
• Ideals (of Freedom). Becoming an ignorant intellect requires that you spend some degree of time thinking about the world & all of its wonders and atrocities - and then become apathetic about it. Live in a blissful oblivion and love being footloose & carefree. Because Freedom can be a wonderful concept, especially if you believe that it exists at all and is not just another societal meme. In the meantime, pack your 2500 sq.ft. home with as many 56"-3D-LCD-HDTVs as you can afford and legitimize this excessive expense by buying yourself a solar panel and wearing fair trade organic "elephants need love too" t-shirt. Cuz believe it or not, kids: This is the world, the system, we live in. It's a self-propelled machine that we are all components of. And remember that "unless your free, the machine will be prevented from working at all!" as this component. Not to mention that subsistence living is even LESS fun than it sounds. Books take sooo long to read. Natural gas is an affordable commodity. And shopping at West Edmonton Mall is just soooooo much FUN!!!
  
  
• Music. The degree of separation between 90% of the music I listen to is outrageous. The most distinguishable differences of genres on my iPod could be classified as either melodic hardcore or Canadian folk music. These extremes are very diverse and really have no business being on the same mp3 player. Right now SNFU, Propagandhi, Pennywise, Bad Religion, and Screeching Weasel are on the playlist, along with Matthew Barber, Justin Rutledge, Neil Young, Ray LaMontagne, and David Gray. It's almost inconceivable. But it exists nevertheless. Extreme.
  
  
• Sex. Extreme sex. Hardcore SEX. Better than soft core after all! Any guy is pretty much wishing for this every hour of every day, so the second that he will find a woman that is willing to "submit" to anything a little bit more wild than the usual semi-pornographic plights is usually the moment that the guy is usually ready for marriage. At the same time, us idealistic sex-craving philanthropic chauvinistic metropolitan men may like to cry & scream about Female Liberation! and equal opportunity ...as long as it doesn't happen in our own bedroom. Or dungeon.
  
  
• Exercise. Excessive Exercise. Running marathons and loving a good cigarette afterward. Bench-pressing 3 times your body weight then picking up a six-pack on your way home. Playing hockey, but having more PIM than Ice Time. Oh. And don't forget about Crashed Ice. These things are extreme. Also, UFC is popular amongst kids these days, or so I hear.
  
  
• Seeing the World. Traveling to Africa. The Dark Continent. Where stereotypes and prejudice and mis-information runs rampant. Go there. Learn something. Come back. Teach something. God knows we are ignorant. When back at home, realize how much change can happen right outside your back door, so to speak. Having a good appreciation of your local community and its faults and good things can be enlightening too. Just. Get out there. Anywhere. Especially if you can't afford the airfare (or are too socially conscious about the environmental costs of air flight). There's always sailing...
  
  
• "Work". The last paradoxical/hypocritical suggestion I have regarding extreme lifestyle choices is giving yourself the opportunity to make conscious career decisions, inasmuch as having a thorough moral understanding of any implications of the "work" you are getting yourself involved with. Try: Working in a lumber yard while listing the Rainforest Action Network as a beneficiary in your will. Try: working in resource exploitation while "liking" the links that your "friend" Mike Hudema posts on his facebook profile. With your wages, buy a bike but keeping on commuting to work in your gas guzzler...
  

Without these things, a person tends to fall into the first circle of hell called Ennui. Others see him for what he is: a complacent, middle-aged working class office stooge with mortgage payments and mouths to feed and the rest of it. Apathy advances to a stage far beyond you ever thought possible in your younger years. Ideals fade away. And the positive re-enforcement allows one's sense of adventure to diminish as he falls deeper and deeper into the well of "routine work" and "just getting by". Hello shot gun barrel. Travel plans become a trip to your backyard patio after the fence gets painted and food becomes bland as you listen to the latest study on the Local News about salt being bad. Exercise is walking the dog and the motorbike turns into an SUV (hybrid? Yeah Right!). Or worse: mini-van. Sex is infrequent and fast. What you are left with is a few cd's from those exciting days that are fading from memory and perhaps a government that left you with a social support network that your mother-in-law deserves.

So my advice to you as I close out this blog:

Never grow up. Always go for the "bad" girl, eat lots of spicy food, and travel the globe as much as possible.

And if submitting to the expectations of our surrounding means
growing up
I'll try wholeheartedly to refuse

-satanic surfers

George Carlin does this all soo much better.

Grind, Baby, Grind!

grind, baby, grind.

Last night there was a party. I don't remember much about it. All I remember is that there were a lot of things flowing, least of which was alcohol. Grossed out yet? It gets worse. Or better. Depending on which way you like to play.

shame.

Alright, well maybe we'll not even go there. But maybe I can still pump my point across to you without being exceptionally distasteful. (Maybe I can't!) Today's problem (most days have problems) lies in the matter of fact that people are shameless. I am a person. Therefore I am shameless. The difference being that I realize this, and I know where to draw the line so as to not become shameful.

Check that. I am ashamed about many things, but most of these dastardly deeds are things that likely do more harm to myself than any other person. And really, in the whole scheme of things, I like to tell myself that I am really not that bad of a person - most of the time. It's true that I have some bad ideas involving you & me, but more likely than not, my conservative/restrained upbringing will shine through and I will behave.

but something that feels this damn' good couldn't be all that bad... could it?

Sex is all around us. There's just no escaping it. After all, each of our god's want us all to pro-create so that we can perpetuate these civilizations that are filled with soo much happiness and peace. So even despite Chinese population control ideas, philosophies on freedom an individual rights, and problems associated with a population explosion, sex still dominates.

But the way it's done kinda disgusts me. If you've ever picked up a copy of Vue Weekly of SEE magazine and peaked at any of the articles/ads in the last few pages, you shouldn't be shocked to be reading about some freaky new problem/product/service that a person is buying, selling, or trying to heal. But besides the obvious things like media-produced sex in music, television, or the internet, one of the most unsettling things to ever see is a friend or acquaintance getting it on to any various degree: A. in person, B. in their facebook pictures, C. when they are already in a relationship, and D. with a little sister. People are FREAKY! (Thank God!/Get A Room!) I hardly even know how to react to some of the stuff I seen/have done myself over the years. All I know is that it can be some of the most incredibly good or bad times a person will have on their time on earth, depending on each situation. And you freaks out there (I may or may not include myself in this group), please, please, just do what you can to stay away from people in relationships, and your buddy's little sister. Especially if you do not have the self-control to keep your sexy ways off of facebook. ESPECIALLY if your freaky ways out-do the less freaky ways of most other people.

alcohol.

$5.75 a bottle? You must be kidding me. But with the promise of forty ounces to freedom, sometimes it just must be worth the price, eh? Next thing you know it, you are watching your friend from school or work grinding down on some random guy on the dance floor with techno beats blaring in the background. You feel sorry for her boyfriend/fiance or whatever, who's working out of town, but you also feel kinda like you should be the one that this girl should be "dancing" with - but only if you were a little more wasted... The saddest part of this is that you are in fact much to sober to forget about her and everything you are seeing and just go home to sleep to forget about it, but just a little too drunk to start crying over the whole unfortunate situation. The remedy? Have one more drink and take the next girl home.

Alcohol serves as an ultimate tool for any public situation: it's an excuse for an easy hook-up, a defense for acting like a total ass, a reason to be belligerent and piss on cars in parking lots (I guess this falls under "total ass"). It allows you to get away with being a total pervert or a total slut. And in the end, we have a real mess. We have 2 drunken slobs mildly attracted to eachother, fucking. I want to buy her a glass of merlot or shiraz sooo bad right now!

jelousy.

More likely than not, this blog would not even had been published if I had a few more pictures of an incredibly beautiful girl like my ex with her tongue pressed up against my neck, circling the internet. But at the same time, that stuff really isn't all that appropriate for anyone now is it? I mean, amateur porn has to start somewhere after all, right? And that stuff can spiral out of control like nobody's business. So out of this bitter jelousy, I support the idea of keeping it in the bedroom (or behind closed doors, at least!) Cameras are everywhere nowadays anyways, and as a result, "sex" has become mainstream, sort of like tattoos - everyone has one, and everyone likes to show it off! So really - when I do find that 1 person who is 'in' to videography, that tape shall forever remain in a safety deposit box. Unless the price is right.

money.

Money buys sex. This is the most horrible side of things. The 2008 Liam Neeson movie, "Taken" shows the darkest side of this. It goes a little beyond buying her that glass of wine. It shows how the most rich & powerful people in the world can exploit young women. It is really a sickening reality. And whenever you hear about good times in Thailand, for example, you think "whuh-ohh, red-flag"!
CBC aired this report last weekend. It is somewhat disturbing but nothing I haven't already heard of. http://www.cbc.ca/sunday/2009/08/081609_8.html

in conclusion.

Steve Carrell did a great job of depicting a man who lived is whole youth without getting any action in The 40 Year Old Virgin. Although this story may be a bit far-fetched, the premise is still very reasonable, as to how a guy could really handle things differently in a sex-crazed world. Both sexes are to blame, even though the CBC report above seems to take a different stance. Both sexes deserve the right to free themselves from this atrocity called life with alcohol, and until we start realizing the value in money & how it might be used to make ourselves feel better by creating a better world, we will continue to buy ourselves a ticket into getting laid - that ultimate ticket to a temporary escape. We will feel the shame, until we get sooo predispositioned that this is in fact normal behaviour. Then negative feedback cycles will then just compound the problem. And this includes our exposure to others "at it", which in effect creates various degrees of jelousy. Tolerance, restraint, shame, and respect are the most important concepts that we need to really appreciate if we want to get away from a sex-crazed world, where even a dance floor can turn into something...wet.

This was chapter 21. Let me go buy you a drink.

Testosterone Makes the World Go 'Round: Chapter 7A - Jock O Rama, Part 2 - My Dear Edmonton Oilers

Haha, what a title. but fuck it - it's MY blog, I'll do what i want with it. Including making this ridiculously long, and a little less focused than I wanted it to be.



Now that the unnecessary swearing is out of the way, here goes...

There were a lot of problems with the Oilers this year. So much so, that they finally decided to fire the coach. We needed a scapegoat after all!

As I have made it known, the salaries for these "heroes" are unfathomable --- HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. And that's for the shitty players like Gilbert. Get Real. The ultimate reason of Edmonton not making it into the playoffs for the 3rd straight year is the lack of motivation of the players. Having million dollar careers isn't motive enough apparently. The team lacks the leadership, spirit, urgency, guts, determination and commitment to build confidence to get better. The last remaining shreds of these qualities left on my 24th birthday when Ryan Smyth got sent to New York for Nilsson. Yeah, who? (Sure, Nilsson is a pretty good Oiler - but certainly not a leader like Smyth). The Oiler's needed a Ryan Smyth player - a player with grit, emotion...even Michael Peca didn't have Smyth's intensity when he was here... But he's gone, and we're left with Souray, Hemsky, Horcoff, Staios, and Moreau to pick up the slack. Moreau was great as a non-captain: he represented the hardest working oiler that struggled for every inch. But because of his lack of natural ability (Think Weight vs. Marchant in the 90s), he should never have become anything more than an alternate captain. Jason Smith was a defencemen, so that's a little different, since he had a more solid support network of players around him (like Smyth) with the required passion and skill to make them an exciting hockey club, at the very least.

The problems surrounding Oilers hockey, though, aren't embedded in the coaching or the management or even the young unmotivated, leaderless players. I think it's actually entrenched into the Edmonton culture. The city actually shapes itself on having NHL hockey as its #1 focal point, with everything else less important. Way up here on latitude 53, we convince ourselves that we have a culture & class that is simply incommensurable in relation to our Calgarian neighbors. After all, the socioeconomic base in Edmonton is made up of hard-working roughnecks - as opposed to those lazy good for nothing rednecks that live 300km south of us. We don't even attempt comparing ourselves to other major North American or World cities because we are just already so far removed any of them! We are about as significant of a city to some random Russian city, as that same random Russian city is to us!

But despite our best efforts, we still can't retain (or build) our hockey talent. UFAs sell out for the beachtowns or the big cities and the "talent" that we do get will have "difficult" seasons (Lupul, Peca, Stoll...). Edmonton is a stepping-stone, a boot camp, a place for players to get better so that they could peak by the time they can actually get out. A league conspiracy, perhaps? Maybe.

As mentioned, Edmonton goes nuts on trying to promote itself as a city that is absolutely crazy for hockey above anything else, where the players are loved and admired more than Bono or Madonna or Elisha Cuthbert, depending on who you are. But despite all the "oil money" allowing near-sell-outs for 17 thousand seats for 41 games a season, there are some other absolutely ridiculous things associated with our game that the Oilers of the Eighties wouldn't even begin to recognize (i mean, if they weren't all still involved with the organization). Perhaps this new NHL has just made it that much more difficult for players to focus on just loving the game with incredible passion and desire - to just go out there - night after night - and win games.

This blog is called Testosterone Makes the World Go 'Round. And hockey is a very macho, very testosterone-driven game. We cheer when men smash fists into eachother faces (Oh, women's boxing was @ Shaw Convention Center tonight - there's another re-enforcement of some of Edmonton's culture). When we get scored on, we curse and throw things and shake our fists in the air, and when we score, we drink $7.75 Molson Canadian as the foghorn blares and that horrible Kid Rock song gets blared through the PA system (good thing the oilers dont score that much, hey?) When an ex-oiler comes to town, we BOO and heckle mercilessly, regardless of how much that player invested into the city when he was here.

The beer is kind of a big deal. Despite the insane cost of it, it is uncommon to see a fan without 2 glasses in their hands. That's $15.50 of liquid-idiot maker. Per period. True, they stop selling beer after the 2nd, but more often than not, this rule gets flexxed to accommodate the fans - and more sales get made. By the end of it, you will be walking by stacks upon stacks of empty plastic glasses that will make their way into hundreds of plastic bags and eventually into our landfills. You will be walking amongst the most densely packed room of half-intoxicated "people who call themselves fans". The social problems might even outweigh the environmental problems when it comes to alcohol consumption at hockey games. Over the years, I have seen people be thrown out for drunken belligerence - fighting, throwing, screaming - just being plain disruptive. These young males are always incredibly incapacitated at games that I can't help but think what else they could be doing with their money outside of the public arena. I mean, have you no shame??? With a little bit of temperance and maybe a tad bit of reason, this kind of beer money could go a long ways to tackling any of the world's more pressing matters. We're talking serious money here after all!

SO yes, hockey's expensive. That greasy german sausage that will give you a heart attack, the keychains and jerseys that are all made in China, the 5th and 6th glasses of Canadian, The tickets... They charge the prices they do because of the propaganda about how wonderful it is to be able to go & watch hockey games. They say to get your tickets now because later, it will be too late and they'll be sold out. Yet nearly all games will have some 1/2 price singles available, at the very least. Usually you can track a pair of at-cost tickets down if you look hard enough. But when I was @ the San Jose game in March, I was especially frustrated when I found an empty pair of seats to help myself to at the top of the lower bowl (~$100 tickets), and the kids in the row behind me were playing their PSPs!!! Hell, these kids should be in my standing room square! In front of me were two women who were more "into" eachother than anything remotely related to hockey. Hair twirling, shoulder rubbing, and thigh touching continued for half the 1st and all of the 3rd periods. (They were downstairs in the club area, purportedly drinking, through the entire 2nd.) So frivolous spending and drunken ignorance and utter lack of appreciation for where you are. This is Oilerfan culture. It is driven by the monetary system of having the cash available to oneself that will get you the attention or admiration of the people around you. The exorbitant prices are paid by companies and handed out to the spoiled "fans" that go to these games probably won't even know anything about hockey. When this happens, the "team support" is nothing more than ignorant drunken loud retardedness of the people that spent just as much on alcohol as they could since they didn't have to buy the ticket. It really all amounts to a class thing, where those of you snobby or rich enough to drink ridiculous amounts and make asses of yourselves, and getting awkwardly laughed at by the few relatively sober people there about how inappropriate you are. But at least you are getting that attention.

Oh but there's more. Thanks to CISN Country 103.9fm, getting that attention is made into even a bigger deal! "Smooch-cams" have been in place for many years now, where the camera man scans the fans during stoppages of play and puts only cute-looking couples on the jumbotron screen. A sex-craving coliseum of seventeen thousand will CHEER!!!! when the couple finally kisses, since they are after all totally smashed on all the overpriced beer. The wetter the kiss, the louder the cheers. Testosterone makes the world go 'round.

One Last Curious Thing About The NHL that I Wanted to Bring to Your Attention

With a pressing emergence of global warming and ghg emissions, I wonder why pro-hockey is never criticized for its immense carbon footprint. I have never seen a game delayed on account of a late flight either. They always make gametime. They always get paid. I don't know if it was The Amazing Race that made me first think about how hockey teams charter flights to cruise around North America, or if it was all of the flying that is involved with hockey that made me think how ridiculous the Amazing Race really is. Either way, I feel confident that I could still lead a comfortable life knowing that the Oilers would have only 60 regular season games and The Amazing Race was cancelled forever.

I love hockey though. Go Ducks Go!

Bad Habit: A Lesson on Driving Etiquette

Don't race the car next to you when waiting at a red light. You will only end up right next to them 2 blocks later. Don't start breaking for stop signs and red lights 3 meters before the stop line. Stop at stop signs - don't just slow down & keep going. Don't stop 3 feet into the crosswalk. If you see the Flashing Hand, don't step on it. Speeding up through intersections is not a good idea. Especially when there's a crosswalk in front of St. Richard's School or the University Hospital. Don't enter the far lane while making a turn. Make the turn then signal to get over. Signal. Always. That means put the damn' phone down. That includes texting. Don't tailgate and don't cut people off. That's just rude. Don't cross solid white lines in order to get to the turning lane a few seconds faster. Your time is not that important. Don't block intersections. Don't enter lanes when you know that the person in that lane is speeding so fast that they will have to RAM on the breaks to stop from hitting you. Enter the lane after they pass. Don't drive 80 when the speed limit's 50. Don't drive 140 when the speed limit's 100. Don't drive with your brights on in the middle of the city. It's not the least bit necessary. Don't let your 16 year old drive a 40 thousand dollar truck. Don't get into fits of rage about the redneck truck driver asshole that wouldn't ever read this blog. Don't drink & drive. I am pretty sure that after 2 drinks, 90% of people would be safer to Not Drive. Drive as little as possible. And when you do, don't kill animals. Don't kill people. Don't get killed. I like you.

Hey man you know I'm really okay

The gun in my hand will tell you the same

But when I'm in my car

Don't give me no crap

Cause the slightest thing

and I just might

snap

When I go driving I stay in my lane

But getting cut off makes me insane

I open the glove box

Reach inside

I'm gonna wreck this fuckers ride tonight

I guess I got a bad habit

Of blowin' away

Yeah I got a bad habit

And it aint goin away

Well they say the road's a dangerous place

If you flip me off

I'm the danger you'll face

You drive on my ass

Your foot's on the gas

And your next breath is your last

Drivers are rude

Such attitudes

But when I show my piece

Complaints cease

Somethings odd

I feel like I'm god

finish it yourself.