You'll Be My Friend Til' The End, Right?

Chapter 37. 

5 years ago I started compiling a list of the people I admire. No, not people like Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Stephen Lewis, or even Oprah. It was a list of REAL people like co-workers, classmates, friends, and even some teachers I've had over the years. It was a list of people that I had the privilege of getting to know a little bit more personally at least on some level. To get on this list, some of these people had overcome hardships: refugees from Eastern Europe overcoming intolerance (in Redneck Alberta), or having to raise a child alone from a young age, or getting up each and every morning living their life in chronic pain or having to face their scariest demons. Some of these people made the list simply because of their outgoing, motivated nature, and desire to just be involved in the world in general. Others made it because they simply showed a good attitude and treated every challenge they faced with the respect it deserved. I could (maybe should??) have made a list of people I DEvalue as their motivations, actions, attitudes, and behaviours were, in my opinion, disgraceful or disgusting.  But who's to say that I know anything about what makes a quality character type and what does not?! "I have not been put upon this earth to subjugate or serve" so I've just learned to leave these character types well enough alone, even if I thought that sometimes they needed a Tellin'.

I write this now as I stop to reflect on the people that have entered and exited my life over the past 3 years, over the past 6 years, and over the past 10 years. Going back to 2003, I find myself thinking of some of the highest quality people I had ever met at my first years at college. Sure, maybe it's because I was DRUNK & 20 for much of that time, but even so those will always be remembered as some of the happiest days with some of the funnest, quality people I had ever met over my first 2 decades on this planet. These were the friends I thought I would have forever. And then life just happens to happen: these few friends finished school, married, divorced, had babies, started careers, went to more school, traveled, and, well - just kind of grew farther and farther away from me. To this day, few remain at all. Yet I like to still think that even if facebook.com or the internet all of a sudden died forever overnight, this gaggle of guys and gals from a decade ago would still be considered some of my greatest friends... 

By 2007, a lot of the kids I had come to "know" were getting all grow'd up. Some had some solid work experience or relationship experience or life experience or all 3. And as a result, the kids were hardly even kids anymore. My friends were developing into the character-types they would become for the rest of their lives (for better or worse, I dunno)! Some already had families, some had already fought cancer, some had sadly departed from this world.  Personally, I felt a little bit behind the curve with respect to my place amongst my peers,  but fortunately found that surrounding myself around the most positive outgoing people in the world: people who were ready to set the world on fire with their passion and devotion to "all the right causes", I might still have a half a chance. Socially conscious, active, healthy, hard-working, hard-partying, environmentally motivated, self-consciously aware. The people that had come into my life over this time motivated me to be a better man: less cynical, non-apathetic, more active, HOPEFUL even... Unfortunately this realm of quality people sllooowwlllly phased out of my life as well, despite my attempts to draggggg out & cling on to a few of these friends/relationships just a little bit longer --- people Just Moved On.  And today, many of these inspirational people continue to do well for themselves, although often more privately and without feeling the urge or necessity to inspire, attract, or motivate others to see things the way they do. These friends may be so far gone doing their own things by now, but I still cherish the impact they had on my life and for them encouraging me to indeed looking at the world - with all its wonders & atrocities - for what it's worth.

Enter 2010. All done school and working away as professionally as I could manage. Punk shows done up equally as professionally.  Becoming closer friends with kids from shows, still seeing friends from school on occasion. Facebook takes my own social networking more global than I could have ever imagined. Then boom. My Mom gets cancer. Plans get changed. I try working for a while then realize that it was not worth it. There was simply no way I could devote the energy into the engineering profession that was asked of me then also maintain that energy to take care of my Mom to the level she deserved.  Ovarian cancer is the silent killer - the 5th most common cancer-causing death (after lung cancer, breast cancer, colon cancer, and pancreatic cancer). And there was just No Telling if treatment would be effective. After 27 years of my Mom taking care of me, it was time for me to work overtime on taking care of her - while I still had the chance. Work could wait. Family? Family never really got it. They were all always tooo far removed and didn't have all those same values that I have come to realize that I have ultimately my Mom to thank for. The friends that had made an impact on my "adult" life for 10 years were merely other people that had been brought up with similar morals and outlooks on life that I had. And in a lot of ways, these  ideals including sincerity and concern were displayed by the closest of friends, mostly moreso than any family member of my Mom. The values & feelings I had about life only flourished as I was able to listen about and learn from friends' experiences related to cancer (here is one example I wanted to include). Even the friends that couldn't (thankfully) relate would show us empathy and compassion. Empathy & Compassion go a long ways when a person hasn't had to go through the painful experience of having an otherwise young, healthy, loved-one live with terminal cancer for any period of time. Many of them had even come up with various suggestions for "outside-of-the-box" treatment options, pain management options, diet options... I had friends who provided me some comic or intimate or psychological relief just by being able to connect with them on some level. Even if it were just online when I was needed closer to home and couldn't really go out, or travel abroad, or even socialize by the water cooler at coffee break. Those friends were so incredibly important to me that they will probably never even begin to realize it. Being able to outreach online with quality-grade people has made this "journey" all the more bearable for me. Being a full-time caregiver is a tiresome, demanding, tragic, and rewarding role to play. I suppose I have had "breaks" from that role to some extent as I tried working when the cancer was controlled (but not ever gone)  - but between the death of my Grandma in early 2012 & learning that my Mom would have to change chemotherapies only months after being treated for her first recurrence with an ineffective drug, I quickly re-entered the full-time caregiver position - work would wait. Again, the best of friends were there for me and my Mom. Family got used to the idea of Mom being sick: the phone calls & house visits dwindled steadily. The adjustment of getting poison shot into their sister's vein, once, twice, sometimes more, I guess, was an easier adjustment to make than having it happen to themselves. Slowly, I abandoned my own social life all but completely - lost a good girl in the process - so I could devote even more of myself to my family life. Even time online plummeted, along with the relationships that I only ever had with people online. But No Regrets, as I have had this opportunity to make amazing memories and have incredible experiences with Mom this past while: seeing the world, walking down Whyte Avenue, having a couple fancy meals, talking... just everything - it's all just been really tragic and special.

For 3 years I did my best to support my Mom and her struggle against ovarian cancer by participating in a huge cycling fundraiser. By doing so, I believe I was able to raise a lot of awareness about ovarian cancer as well as raising over $10,000 for gynecological cancers over the 3 rides I did. Friends stepped up HUGE in helping me achieve this, as I had more donors than many others on my team. In addition to the funds raised for The Cause, the amount of support provided to me through my team for 3 years was equally as helpful. More Quality Friends. In total, friends and family raised over $100,000 as a team. Think I got much from my family? Not much. Despite e-mailing and making my family aware of my efforts to raise money in support of my Mom, I was able to raise a total of $0.00 from my family members this past year. Stop. This makes a guy really truly think about & appreciate what he has in his life: the support, compassion, empathy, and GENEROSITY of his friends. His friends - whether they be near or far - are often a lot more receptive of the reality of the situation than even members of his own family. Even "close" family often fails to recognize or appreciate the tragedy of this reality... I don't know if they are in denial, disinterested, self-involved, or just plain ignorant but it feels that a lot of my friends have a lot better understanding of what my and my Mom's life has been this past period of time. And for this, I am thankful. My family is my closest friends: those people that at least TRY to empathize with me, offer legit, sincere support, share their own Ups & Downs with me, and allow me to be sad, so, soooo sad sometimes too. MY definition of family, I think, is actually pretty well summed up in this book I have just begun reading recently. 

3 years, 6 years, 10 years, 29 years. Over this time I have come up with some pretty basic qualities that I look for in a friend: integrity, respect, self respect, patience, sincerity, forgiveness, temperance, honesty, and a willingness to just be there when called upon...and when NOT called on too. I find myself thinking what if 60% of my life is over Right Now? At Age 30, I can't imagine that in  20, 25 years it will all be over. And I hope it's not. But if it did end, then I hope I can spend a good portion of the remainder of my days with friends (family) that have the values have been passed down to me and that I have learned to cherish so much as I get closer to this next chapter of my life with each passing day. 

...So will you make it onto my "list*"? 

*note: I do NOT actually have a list like Danny McGrath. 

and Even if it's Easy to Be Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...!

...what's YOUR definition of freedom, anyways?

and who the FUCK are you?

                                                      

                                                 who the fuck are they? who the fuck am I to say?

what the fuck is really going on...

-nofx

Trapped. Incapacitated. No future. These are some of the overwhelmingly harsh and often unbearable sensations that a person may experience when their freedom is stripped away from them. And really - in a place like Canada especially - it would be nice if a person need not worry about his or her freedom being taken from them. But then again, freedom is more than just the rights you are granted as a human being under political legislation or societal expectation. Even if the country you are in is as "free" as Canada. 

A person cannot truly be free unless there is a total elimination of desire. To feel complete by just being able to feel - no need for external stimulation of any sort. The trick is to realize that this elimination of desire does not require the acquisition of everything on your wish list. But rather, striving for an understanding of your place in this world with all of your potential and (god-given) attributes, and understanding how they can be utilized for the greatest good in your time on this planet. This will be the key towards finding an inner peace that will take you to a place that is "free" - at least in the ways that matter the most.   

To get to the level of having "desire" eliminated from your life, a person has to have a pretty firm grasp on the idea that "Freedom Is The Recognition of Necessity".  This was one of Garrett Hardin's more significant premises in his 1968 publication The Tragedy of the Commons.  In the end, a lot of it comes down to greed & temperence. A person's sense of entitlement or willingness to pillage and destroy and give nothing back in any way, shape, or form. Modern day pirateering.

I want to smash it up for all the workers who spent hours -
 all for nothing!

"Unless the workers are truly free, the machine will be prevented from working at all!" Mario Savio had the right idea. There's always going to be the potential for progress - but at what costs? Freedom for the workers. Yikes. What an overwhelming concept in a world of 7 billion people. Who work to thrive, work to survive. Who work for the "man", whose sole purpose is to exploit whatever resources are at his disposal. What fraction of this 7 Billion are satisfied with their "freedoms" I wonder?  I suppose it may depend on the worker's mental/emotional well-being, or else his or her (understandable) apathetic attitudes about what can be reasonably expected out of a hard fucking life (proportionately speaking - across the globe, that is).  

Freedom from Vices 

2011 has a hell of a lot of rules to follow. There are also a lot of expectations out there for each of us. This all round pressure results in people falling into one form of vice or another. Regardless of the society's view of the severity of whichever iniquity, seeking out reprieve for their actions that they wish they would like to convince themself that they aren't:

disgusting, disgraceful, shameful, greedy, selfish, arrogant, or just a plain jerk.

But if a person has the temperament to overcome the temptation of various transgressions (god, there's alot of them out there), then maybe he or she has half a hope in hell of getting to that state of inner calm and collectiveness... freedom. 

Drinking is one of the most common and accepted forms of finding freedom. This usually ends badly, especially when done in excess and increasing amounts as a person passes through their 20s, 30s, and onwards. In some instances it ends in pregnancies, abortions, and others it ends in unloved children or vehicular motor deaths. Not a good situation.

It would really be so great to be free from driving altogether. As enjoyable it is BLASTING THE STEREO and singing along sometimes, the regular everyday commute is no kind of life. Imagine it: without the regular commute, you would be free from all the rude, ignorant, distracted drivers (who reeealllly needs to use their cellphone before 7:30 in the morning?!) You would be free from "carbon guilt" and gas guzzling money burning $30 or $40 or $60 fills. Free from maintenance bills, insurance & registration costs; free from the threat of being a KILLER - whether the victim is a skunk, dog, or child. Freedom from Asphalt Nation thereby re-enforcing the "necessity" of Urban Sprawl. Freedom from the need to "keep up with the Jones's by having an expensive (affordable?), shiny new automobile.  - like the out-of-this-world excitement that comes with WINNING A CAR! on The Price Is Right. Free from the pressure of attracting a member of the opposite sex with your sleek new wheels. Freedom from ever increasing road rage, and Freedom from risk of driving over the cliff in your exhausted, over-worked state.

I prefer biking. I haven't done it so much over the past 10 years as I have done over the past 6 months. And even though I haven't had much opportunity to get wasted (in my next search to become more free) then ride home, I am still looking forward to that day. At least then, I can be more confident that I will be free from police scrutiny and will not be a hazard to others on the road. (note to self: keep to the sidewalks when drunk on a bike).

If a person isn't driving, then really there is not much reason to carry around their ID either. Freedom from wallets. Sure, a couple of twenties, (fives), rolled up and stuffed into the jean pocket might be necessary, but no more protruding bulk from the rear left butt cheek, please.

And while we're at it? You guessed it: cellphones. She's never going to text you back anyways, so just get over it already!  The constant demand for instantaneous communication from somebody, anybody is achieving brand new heights. This comes back again to a person's sense of self-worth and mental stability, and he or she not requiring any form of immediate gratification via their mobile device.  Just Toss It Into The Canal! You'll feel a lot better afterwards - that is, if you don't dive in head first after it.

Following along this whole technology theme, it would be really quite something if we could declare our freedom from machines! Computers. Eeuuwwwyyyyy - What A Headache! What a draw on the system and the electrical grid. I'd like to think that computer users would have better eyeball health if we reduce the number of hours that we allow bright LCD crystals burn into the backs of our retinas. I don't remember all that many 5 and 6 year olds with glasses 20 years ago.Today alone I have spent more than 8 hours on the computer. And believe it or not, I have been using it with only good intent! Really though - like I said before - I'd rather be riding my bike.  I wish I could just. sign. off...

Forfeiting Freedom For Further Feasibly Favourable Fortune

 

Freedom cannot be achieved without risk.  And some of the riskiest choices that a person will have to make in their life comes back to the degree they want to commit to something and the amount of responsibility that they assume for "the things that matter most". It's so easy to go by the mentality "Saving the World's Great - But I've Gotta Save Myself FIRST!" But there is a definite reward for seeing things through til the end. For taking those extra measures to ensure that those closes to you are being well taken care of. It's Not All About You!  If you are successful at sacrificing yourself even a little bit, you can be certain that the rewards of this "limited freedom" can be exchanged for unlimited happiness. Admittedly, committing to something can be difficult.   Seeing things through to the end - whether it be finishing a 1000 page book, realizing your career potential, or building a relationship with a significant other - these things may all tear into your perceived freedoms, but are also considerable accomplishments. And you can bet your balls that you will be getting a little somethin' spectacular gained from something significant ventured. 

All that I know for sure though is 

I am far from free.

chapter 87.

My Affliction

Chapter 93

I wear T-shirts. And jeans. And usually 1 of 2 belts I own. Sometimes I sport a pair of cargo shorts - solid colour. No Hawaii flowers, no plaid please. Socks are about 50/50. Some don't have holes.



I guess you can say for all intent and purposes that I am indeed a hater of fashion . Function is the most pragmatic thing. But that does not necessarily have to mean wearing an UnderArmour long sleeved shirt, for example, in order to go skiing either. And the "Fascinator" that Princess Beatrice was showing off last month maybe has a function unbeknownst to you or me. The Prince of Lichtenstein might have a tele-tubbie fetish or something.

- freak -

Silverchair's Freak Show from 1997 included some lyrics that pleaded, "If only I could be as cool as you" over & over again. If only, eh?! From about 1997 through til ummm let's say present day I know that I will never be as cool as you. Or you. That likely has something to do with why I feel slightly more comfortable around "punk" culture... Heck, punk rock icons The Descendents have a song called "Cool To Be You". Good tune.

Here in Alberta, standard 20s (and 30s?) menswear often includes a pair of $200 jeans and a t-shirt with the words: TapOut, Affliction, Infliction, Fallen, or Suffocation, written in large cryptic calligraphy across the chest - the broader, the manlier. This latest style can be seen as you stroll through Wal-Mart or going to the sickest club on a Saturday night.  Maybe I will try wearing one some day and all the pretty ladies will come flocking towards me...Afterall, I do have a 3 year old pair of Levi's that I got on sale from Sears for something like $85 that could totally complete the look! sidebar: I wonder if UFC is available at the EPL yet...

_All_His_Suits_Are_Torn_

I have worn suits. I don't mind wearing them on certain occasions even. Especially if there is someone realllllllllllly special that I know enjoys a guy in a suit. But otherwise, lose the collar, screw the sleeves, and let's hope my shoes have laces in them: Daddy's goin' to Town.


Last week I showed up to my trial for a charge that in my opinion was a total load of bullshit. I dressed up all nice, c/w a long sleeved shirt & a tie. I was the best-dressed clean-cut "punkass delinquent" sitting trial that day amongst a sea of sleezy criminal types in the whole Wetaskiwin courthouse.

After about a 30 minute trial, taking the stand, swearing on the bible, n'all, and saying my piece as clearly and concisely as possible, and only a 5 minute deliberation by the Traffic Commissioner, I had my civil self marching proudly out of the court room with a $700 fine and 4 demerits completely dismissed. The sheriff and the prosecutor were shamed and humiliated and I was free from the fucked up system that I've grown to hate so much.

I got to my car, peeled off my suit & tie and slapped on my ever-appropriate SNFU t-shirt and that semi-clean pair of shorts. (Or did I put shorts on at all?!)

You say I'm acting like a kid and one day I'll grow out of it.

Well, I do have an engineering degree. And to work in consulting with this degree, a certain dress code is often required. It's a sign of professionalism in which the consultant hopes to convince his client that he can be trusted. Little does that client know that a 6-pack of Lucky Lager might be sitting in my backpack for the long bus ride home. Who really knows what goes on with any "professional-type" person anymore. Hell - the head of the IMF is being charged with worse things than pounding back a 6-pack right now.


It's true that I am really quite torn. Damaged? Split-down-the-middle/ possibly bi-polar with a lot of my values & actions - a blog for another day. I think that I may even possibly end up with a tattoo one day - as long as I something that I actually feel that passionate about. Whatever that might be, it remains a mystery to me for now. No "Death Skull" for sure though. And no "affliction"-type words in calligraphy, or barbed-wire cuffs  either. No crosses, nothing religious, no band's symbol or slogan, lyrics or naked biker chicks.  I will think of something...


And though I long to embrace, I will not misplace my priorities:

 

Humour, opinion, a sense of compassion, creativity -

and a distaste for fashion.

-Propagandhi

Chapter 42: 21St Century Technology & the De-Evolution of the Human Species

I sit here writing this on my 1st laptop. It is used and 2 years old and I have had to plug it in to charge once already. And it's nearly 1 AM.

Why?

The world has gone insane, that is why. I would be much better off sleeping right now. I would have a much more productive day tomorrow. Alas, here I am. To send a message to you. No, not a text message. Unless you are reading this on your bbm, then maybe your pants just vibrated a minute ago - then you got this "notification" as a message alert.

Fucking terminology. 21st Century technology has not only changed the way we think and do things, but also the way we think to do things. We think in terms of "notifications", "apps", "alerts", "events", "posts", "tweets", and the lord knows about how many of my "friends" I dream about "poking". Fine, deal with the mental double-meanings and such. But dammit! Don't forget how to spell! I know teachers are stressed - and the American system/media/teachers/youth collectively likely have a large influence on our misgivings here in Canada. But nevertheless. Uda punk dat neva learn'd how 2 spell and its making us all look retarded as a nation. Or else you are just lazy.

Bus rides used to be pretty entertaining. In my early years of uni I would watch kids giggle as they "texted?" back and forth for the duration of the commute. Heads 2 inches from the screen and both thumbs going like mad on the keypad, it reminded me of some crazed mouse devouring its first piece of cheese in a year! Bug-eyed and wily-haired, these kids would seldom even look up to see if they missed there stop. "Hey buddy, it's your stop!" So he would bumble his way off the bus not realizing til after the bus pulled away that his stop wasn't for another 6 blocks. Fun times.

But now us kids drive. And by "drive" I mean straddling dotted lines, weaving through traffic in school zones, coasting through red lights & stop signs, and rounding those near-miss-lefts. All with 1 hand permanently attached to that little plastic device. And then we complain that our insurance is so high.

I have a relative that is additcted to his bbm. He is essentially a cyborg, with the device as good as fused to his wrist. I would hazard a guess that he is staring into the thing or punching that little lcd qwerty keyboard on average 8-12 minutes every hour. Personally, I find it rude when relatives come over and they are this distracted by the things they would rather be doing, but whatcha gonna do?! It's acceptable. It's the new norm. Forget real people. They are just in the way.

The internet is where it all began. Being connected. Integrated and devastated. The internet first arrived in Alberta in 1993. (Same time as that tyrrant named Ralph, I think). It is incredible to think that in 90 years society went from horse & carriage to instantaneous mobile technology. Instantaneous debauchery. Is that a bit of a stretch? Then why is there a thing called "sexting". Or a better question might be "Why am I so good at it?!" But aside from mobile devices, the internet opened the floodgates to a new wild world of everybody wanting to know everything about everyone. Pervs! MYOB!!! So when a person isn't busy drooling over the latest installment of World of WarCraft, then they are likely looking to connect with someone, in some way, shape, or form (even if it's Matilda the Troll).

When a person isn't "gaming" or "creeping" they could very well still be looking at material that is inappropriate. Howtotakeovertheworld.com or something, might be inappropriate. And as a result, these people have a new (lower) level of what they consider respectable in today's day & age.

Myself? I like to connect. I try to stay out of trouble from those things in the interweb that have made me...as bad as I already am today... Instead, I link interesting articles, post satirical comments, or import blogs for those of you who might know me, and might be interested in reading what I have to say. I love the fact that the 1 for me might be only a few keystrokes away. But it is also frustrating to me that she can be sooooo effing far away when she doesn't keep in as good as contact as I would like her to, especially when it's as easy as it is. But I don't let it get to me. I can only do so much after all. And I have blogged extensively about this as it is already. It is only because I want to get better connected with those that I care about that I even got this laptop. My pal down in New Zealand? I don't even know if he survived the earthquake on Boxing Day... I have a friend in Ethiopia who I would love to talk to on Skype one day and another in Mizzourah. All around the world there are people out there that I care about, and it would be good to stay in better contact than I have done thus far... Then the amount of mobile device usage for txting and msging explodes when a person has a hope in hell of building a relationship that might lead to something with the least bit of passion or intensity. Wall posts, then texts, then "sexts", then skype --- all technological mediums in which today's society has become so fucking dependent on to simply connect with people.

Even though I now have a laptop, I am going to be sure to not abuse this technology. Since Brad Paisley came out with his Time Well Wasted record, I have thought that to be a pretty reasonable attitude. But very recently I have decided that more and more of my time is not worth wasting. I want to be with real people and do real things and prioritize my time better as I head into the new year. Let's see how we do...

A few last thoughts:

1. I am somewhat convinced that there is a good probability that electro-magnetic radiation coming off of these 21st Century devices may lead to more cancers

2. I have another post like this that's different but same. It talks more about how we allow ourselves to be portrayed to others in how we use technology and language.

3. I am concerned for the standards and morals of the bulk of the world's populations, if the proportions of populations making poor decisions with their technology outweighs those that make good ones.

4. I understand that communication is key in the developing world economies, but if a person must choose between a new cellphone to get the market prices of a crop and a treadle pump so that he may provide water for his crops, then how can he choose?!?!

5. A blog called iMe is in the preliminary stages. Expect it in another 2 years.

My time was better well spent before the onset of the internet.

My time was better well spent when I was 6.

This is not what I signed up for...

There exists an air of arrogance within the engineering discipline. A sense of entitlement and self-righteousness that might be all too expectantly acceptable. I mean, who else can spend the time learning a whole other language and then using it to come up with the most intricate solutions to solve some of the world's most pressing problems. Like cleaning water. Or making electricity. Doctors and lawyers memorize Latin terminology and ... business grads? Well, they are all just capitalistic pigs with hearts of stone.

So, become an engineer. Or try to anyways. You can become a steward of society. Really, it's like the ultimate thankless service industry job. God knows that there is money in it, too. And for one year now, I have held my engineering degree while working as a box cutter, getting paid box cutter salaries.

In all honesty, it's not a bad job. Especially for a student working part-time, earning habit money and having few other expenses. At work, all you have to do is deal with a couple of ungracious or effing rude customers that come through the store from time to time and try to get along with your co-workers. The hardest part of that is getting over the condescending attitude of people that look down on box-cutters and realize that you are going to get paid well below your Earning Potential that you have hoped to be enjoying by now. Then again, living the good life of having minimal responsibilities & being accountable only to yourself is nothing to sneeze at. There's casual weekday drinking, affording to go out to shows, going on vacations, and the like. It's not all bad not having to worry about the pressures of a high-expectation engineering job.

But I hate it. It's a time-consumer and a head-do-er-inner. Every day that I cannot find a job I am actually interested in, is another day that I am not developing and using the skills that I went to school for, and not working towards that ever-important salary-booster called a P.Eng. I feel like it's eating into the best years of my life (although I know that in all honesty that those were between 1992 and 1996). In addition, this company - like many others - thrives on environmental devastation and corporate greed. It breaks your back and it eats your soul. Although, they did pay for me to get my teeth cleaned...

Everyone should have to go through it though. The service industry is atrocious and everywhere. Working in it gives the consumer a much better perspective of the hard work that goes into whatever commodity it is that's being sold. It also gives a person a reality check. Without it, you don't have as much of a clue about how nasty day-to-day interactions with some people can get. It makes you actually look at the cashier at the supermarket in the eye and say "thank-you" with a little bit more sincerity than you would otherwise. It will make you neater - no matter how neat you think you are, and it will help you watch exactly what kind and how big of a consumer you are. Especially when making service industry wages.

This wages thing blows my mind. To think that so much disparity exists between the different kinds of rich and the different kinds of poor in this world is just: GAH! We are all just people born into circumstance, after all. Next round you could be living in subsidized Projects Housing in Harlem or the slums of Bangladesh (surely, not only India and Africa have slums, hey?) Then there's the opposite extreme where even Edmonton Police are making upwards of $85K after only 5 years of service. "And then she became a cop." "Shut the fuck up!" I think in my next life I am going to become a successful rock star. But engineers really do alright too. Even Civil Grads, with no real experience! And ol' recession-proof Alberta, with all of it's Oilsands and industry needs these grads to help run projects!!! But I still can't get a job I want. Bastards!

Then again, I know I am not alone. At least one other engineer and one geophysicist I know are not working. Another mate with credits from NAIT, UofA, and GMCC is working at the bottle depot with no real aspirations to focus on a career in any of the areas he spent time studying in! Then the real motivated ones had jobs set before they were even graduated! I don't know how, aside from their good fortune, and to some extent, willingness to relocate.

If I go anywhere, it will have to be for something worth while. "Like a girl?!" "No, Ryan, not a girl." Well, we'll see. But a sweet gig where providing/treating water to people who would really appreciate it, or anything related to the environment would sure be sweet. If I could get a sweet deal like that, I wouldn't even care if my salary was double of what it was now, rather than triple, as it very well COULD be. Half it and send me to a well in Kenya, I would also be thrilled. And I'd probably be blogging about something more important like poverty, water resources , disparity & conflict or something!

My issues with not getting the work I want could be psychological. In that I am psychotic. I am complacent and apathetic and idiotic for not trying harder to get any fucking job that will help me use my degree. That, or perhaps employers just don't like me. Real possibility. What can a guy do?!

As intermediate box cutter, I am taking it for what it's worth as yet another stepping stone in character development. God knows I'm not enough of a character YET! There is nothing glamorous or prestigious about this job that gives me anything more than just that. One of the things that comes with a sweet-ass environmental engineering job (aside from the money & independent that it brings), is confidence in having/building relationships. A guy can feel a hell of a lot better about himself knowing that the girl that he is after won't laugh at him for being, say, a box cutter. Even with the prestige of an engineering job, I feel that the humility of the box cutter's realism will earn him bonus points with her. "Real Workin' Man" points, where blackberrying and e-mailing and sitting in the cushy office chair are out of the equation completely. One might even go as far as to call it "honest work". Then with that non-box cutter job and a real engineering job - she will immediately think to herself: "Oooh - Brains And Money. But when was the last time he washed that shirt?"

Alright, this is gonna have to do as I have to finish my 2nd beer and have to get up for work in just over 4 hours. I wonder what the Jobs section will look like in The Journal tomorrow...


ch. 80

Grind, Baby, Grind!

grind, baby, grind.

Last night there was a party. I don't remember much about it. All I remember is that there were a lot of things flowing, least of which was alcohol. Grossed out yet? It gets worse. Or better. Depending on which way you like to play.

shame.

Alright, well maybe we'll not even go there. But maybe I can still pump my point across to you without being exceptionally distasteful. (Maybe I can't!) Today's problem (most days have problems) lies in the matter of fact that people are shameless. I am a person. Therefore I am shameless. The difference being that I realize this, and I know where to draw the line so as to not become shameful.

Check that. I am ashamed about many things, but most of these dastardly deeds are things that likely do more harm to myself than any other person. And really, in the whole scheme of things, I like to tell myself that I am really not that bad of a person - most of the time. It's true that I have some bad ideas involving you & me, but more likely than not, my conservative/restrained upbringing will shine through and I will behave.

but something that feels this damn' good couldn't be all that bad... could it?

Sex is all around us. There's just no escaping it. After all, each of our god's want us all to pro-create so that we can perpetuate these civilizations that are filled with soo much happiness and peace. So even despite Chinese population control ideas, philosophies on freedom an individual rights, and problems associated with a population explosion, sex still dominates.

But the way it's done kinda disgusts me. If you've ever picked up a copy of Vue Weekly of SEE magazine and peaked at any of the articles/ads in the last few pages, you shouldn't be shocked to be reading about some freaky new problem/product/service that a person is buying, selling, or trying to heal. But besides the obvious things like media-produced sex in music, television, or the internet, one of the most unsettling things to ever see is a friend or acquaintance getting it on to any various degree: A. in person, B. in their facebook pictures, C. when they are already in a relationship, and D. with a little sister. People are FREAKY! (Thank God!/Get A Room!) I hardly even know how to react to some of the stuff I seen/have done myself over the years. All I know is that it can be some of the most incredibly good or bad times a person will have on their time on earth, depending on each situation. And you freaks out there (I may or may not include myself in this group), please, please, just do what you can to stay away from people in relationships, and your buddy's little sister. Especially if you do not have the self-control to keep your sexy ways off of facebook. ESPECIALLY if your freaky ways out-do the less freaky ways of most other people.

alcohol.

$5.75 a bottle? You must be kidding me. But with the promise of forty ounces to freedom, sometimes it just must be worth the price, eh? Next thing you know it, you are watching your friend from school or work grinding down on some random guy on the dance floor with techno beats blaring in the background. You feel sorry for her boyfriend/fiance or whatever, who's working out of town, but you also feel kinda like you should be the one that this girl should be "dancing" with - but only if you were a little more wasted... The saddest part of this is that you are in fact much to sober to forget about her and everything you are seeing and just go home to sleep to forget about it, but just a little too drunk to start crying over the whole unfortunate situation. The remedy? Have one more drink and take the next girl home.

Alcohol serves as an ultimate tool for any public situation: it's an excuse for an easy hook-up, a defense for acting like a total ass, a reason to be belligerent and piss on cars in parking lots (I guess this falls under "total ass"). It allows you to get away with being a total pervert or a total slut. And in the end, we have a real mess. We have 2 drunken slobs mildly attracted to eachother, fucking. I want to buy her a glass of merlot or shiraz sooo bad right now!

jelousy.

More likely than not, this blog would not even had been published if I had a few more pictures of an incredibly beautiful girl like my ex with her tongue pressed up against my neck, circling the internet. But at the same time, that stuff really isn't all that appropriate for anyone now is it? I mean, amateur porn has to start somewhere after all, right? And that stuff can spiral out of control like nobody's business. So out of this bitter jelousy, I support the idea of keeping it in the bedroom (or behind closed doors, at least!) Cameras are everywhere nowadays anyways, and as a result, "sex" has become mainstream, sort of like tattoos - everyone has one, and everyone likes to show it off! So really - when I do find that 1 person who is 'in' to videography, that tape shall forever remain in a safety deposit box. Unless the price is right.

money.

Money buys sex. This is the most horrible side of things. The 2008 Liam Neeson movie, "Taken" shows the darkest side of this. It goes a little beyond buying her that glass of wine. It shows how the most rich & powerful people in the world can exploit young women. It is really a sickening reality. And whenever you hear about good times in Thailand, for example, you think "whuh-ohh, red-flag"!
CBC aired this report last weekend. It is somewhat disturbing but nothing I haven't already heard of. http://www.cbc.ca/sunday/2009/08/081609_8.html

in conclusion.

Steve Carrell did a great job of depicting a man who lived is whole youth without getting any action in The 40 Year Old Virgin. Although this story may be a bit far-fetched, the premise is still very reasonable, as to how a guy could really handle things differently in a sex-crazed world. Both sexes are to blame, even though the CBC report above seems to take a different stance. Both sexes deserve the right to free themselves from this atrocity called life with alcohol, and until we start realizing the value in money & how it might be used to make ourselves feel better by creating a better world, we will continue to buy ourselves a ticket into getting laid - that ultimate ticket to a temporary escape. We will feel the shame, until we get sooo predispositioned that this is in fact normal behaviour. Then negative feedback cycles will then just compound the problem. And this includes our exposure to others "at it", which in effect creates various degrees of jelousy. Tolerance, restraint, shame, and respect are the most important concepts that we need to really appreciate if we want to get away from a sex-crazed world, where even a dance floor can turn into something...wet.

This was chapter 21. Let me go buy you a drink.

maybe it's all just a lot a bullshit

if you have read any noam chomsky or gwynne dyer maybe you think you are kinda cool.



if you have ever heard stephen lewis or archbishop tutu speak about AIDS in africa you might think (the enlightened privelged elite that you are) "wow, what the hell is going on in the world and why aren't our elected officials doing more to make things better?".

if you even slightly recognize the names thomas homer-dixon, jeffery sachs, naomi klein, henry thoreau, ronald wright, paul polak, john perkins, or even maybe our boy joseph stiglitz, you might be one of those people that even likes the idea of a better world, since this one here, now, is not meeting your standards/expectations. if any of these names stick out to you at all, then at the very least, you might just think: "wow, im pretty up to date with the pop-culture world of non-fiction and the worldly devastating situations" or else: "who cares about stupid reading by stupid know-it-all authors when there's so much work to be done & money to be made & beer to be drunk?" ... hang on, that reminds me, my beer's in the other room...

...canadian was 8 cans for $13 incl tax & dep. good deal. even if it's just canadian. (which is american).

with this whole recent "green" propaganda you are hearing about in the media, maybe you have heard of george monbiot, maude barlowe, andrew nikiforuk, tony clarke, tim flannery, marq devilliers, eric schlosser...

who cares?

maybe you put your energy into realizing the classics like catcher in the rye or great expectations or wuthering heights or stone angel or pride & prejudice or crime & punishment or gulliver's travels or 1984. those, after all, are the stories that inspire us to use our creative minds. and where would we be without creative minds?

and not to mention:

it takes a lot more investment and dedication to get through a >250p book, in comparison to giggling through an 87 minute will ferrell movie or watching the ever-repetitive evening news.


but this is your life. and your time here is running out minute at a time. i hope you are really having the time of your life. i hope you are getting everything accomplished that you ever dreamed you would, whether that be completing your Adam Sandler DVD collection, watching all of the X-Men movies on their first day in theaters, spending your days "gaming" - whatever that is, golfing - like the rich white men, or any other vice that gives you that feeling of fulfillment.


me? i'm just waiting. biding my time. barely breathing. doing what I can. dreaming of doing more. action without knowledge if futile, but sometimes knowledge can only be gained through action. the books are endless, after all. and aren't all these realms of writers i just mentioned nothing more than capitalists who are getting rich off of our inability to actually close their book, get off our ass and just start DOING SOMETHING?

especially when the weather's this damn' good.

i'm going to the driving range.

and having some more american canadian.

95% of the World is 3rd World!

Ch. 30

Whether you believe it or not, 95% of the world is 3rd world. That's about 6.3 out of the 6.6 Billion people living on this earth. Maybe you are one of the lucky 300 Million. If 300 Million people live in America alone, then you certainly know that some of them will be having a hard time. I guess, like in anything, it just gets a little hard as to know where to draw the line. Especially when it comes to the various kinds of being poor. But I am telling you: out of all of the various forms of inequality of the world: race, gender, environmental (water, sanitation, sustenance farming through drought/deforestation), political, religious, educational, those with disabilities, those with no access to health care, animal rights...about 95% of us will be affected in a pretty significant way. It's just a matter of how we react to the things that we know that will determine one of two things:

1. whether you will be openly welcomed into the pearly gates of heaven, or


2. whether you will be sent directly to the fire depths of hell to burn for all of eternity.

Okay, maybe it's not quite like that. (maybe it is!) But this I know for sure. There is a growing number of people that actually DO give a damn' about the world! And they aren't necessarily all senior citizens or students either. Lifelong commitment of people wanting to leave behind a better world is becoming more and more popular. I am currently reading a book called "How to Change the World - Social Entrepreneurs and the Power of New Ideas". It is a hopeful and inspiring book that provides specific cases of the projects that people are having success with in a world that sometimes seems very impossible.

In my life, I have seen some people take on some pretty amazing things. Thanks to Engineers Without Borders, I have seen thousands of school-aged kids get informed about water scarcity and the difficulties of governments in securing access to this precious resource. Letters to MPs and MLAs alike are being sent for issues ranging from untying Canada's Foreign Aid Dollars to quashing Stelmach's unconstitutional Bill 19 to asking the City for better access to public transit. I have seen benefit shows and bottle drives, bike rides for cancer and church groups doing development work abroad. A blog called http://attemptsatabetterworld.blogspot.com/ is probably one of my new favorite things to follow, where a man is trying to just make life better one step at a time. But with incredible inspirational people like Senator Romeo Dallaire, Doctor David Suzuki, AIDS advocate Stephen Lewis, and even grade school teacher, Mike Engel, it is not difficult to see how generations are now in fact changing the world.

I know just as much as anyone how easy it is to get very depressed, apathetic, and busy & carried away with your own life in such a fast-pace world. Especially if you are having a hard time making the rent or you recently find out that you are pregnant. Especially if you are worried about job security in the worst recession in 80 years. We have all watched the rich get richer and the poor faint away to nothing. We watch the pirates of the world continue to pillage and plunder the remaining few unhabituated areas or exploit the perpetually developing areas, slashing down trees, cutting into the earth all in order for their insatiable gluttony and greed. We watch as civil war rages on in Sudan and are sickened by the ideas of Child Soldiers or Slumdogs or for-profit companies going into countries for drug testing. We watch our own native people get displaced to the city streets as their water and land is polluted and destroyed. But we carry on. At the very least, we get informed. The hardest decision I think is deciding when you are informed enough to start contributing, or maybe when you can afford to start contributing because you aren't all busy with just surviving. From what I've seen though, a person doesn't need very much to survive.

So with sooo many inspirational and motivated people around me, I vow from this Earth Day 2009 forward, to start surviving more realistically and start contributing more appropriately. This is going to begin with writing a letter to my MLA Carl Benito and his boss Eddie, and the opposition parties too, about reversing their plans on cutting funding to the Wild Rose Foundation - a voluntary organization that offers support to a huge array of Alberta non-profits like the Sexual Abuse Center of Edmonton. After that, I am going to write out a plan of action that will help me to active goals within a certain time frame. Wish me luck.

http://www.wildrosefoundation.ca/about.aspx

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/calgary/story/2009/04/21/cgy-wild-rose-foundation-alberta.html

The Age of Desensitization, Part 2

Ch. 20.2: Who IsTaking It Too Far Now?

Last spring, it was announced that Gunther von Hagens' BodyWorlds was coming to Edmonton. It was going to be showcased for 4 or 5 months at the Telus World of Science, and it was promoted in such a way that all people from Edmonton were required to attend, if they were not totally helpless, clueless, or penniless.

From the start, I had my mind pretty much made up about this sort of public display of the human body. I was reluctant to go to this show altogether. I just didn't understand why people (living people, that is) would be interested in pointing at, gawking at, and yes, even touching human body parts! Maybe it's because I do enough of that to living bodies? I don't know... (that is a joke, by the way). But towards early Fall, I went down and picked up my $28 timed-entry ticket so that I couldn't be criticized as one of those closed-minded ignorant fools that doesn't appreciate art, and (more importantly) to see if my reasons for not being thrilled about this idea of exhibit were the least bit justified.

It was a bloodbath. Torsos everywhere! Human flesh detached from its muscle detached from its skeleton detached from its organs. Some were intermingling with each other, others playing sports, and one even riding a horse?! I haven't seen much worse in some of the goriest of thrasher movies.

Okay, I'm full of shit. As usual. Why does he even write this crap? Actually, from an artistic point of view, this "exhibit" was very tastefully done. It was clean, informative, thorough, and just a little bit spooky. But like the Cormac McArthur's, "The Road", I just don't totally understand why it had to be done at all.

I am going to argue that the Human Race is already desensitized enough from anatomics. We see the human body in every way shape and form either from television, the internet, or if we are exceptionally unfortunate, the hospital. BodyWorlds was/is nothing more than a perverse way of using dead people to make a quick buck. Or a quick 28 bucks. Fine. The high ticket price for me to walk (not run) through a museum is probably necessary to ensure that quality of the exposition maintains very high standards - from the polished display cases holding the slices of brain, tumored lungs, and swollen hearts to the informational video on the plasticizing of a human body to the amount of energy & work it must take to pack up and travel around with hundreds of rubbery fragments of corpse-statues all around the world...I know that I would want my staff to be well compensated for, and my surroundings kept with a certain amount of cleanliness and respect if that was in fact my body/body parts they were lugging around!

It is my unpopular opinion that when it comes to the human body, we foolish ignorant commoners are on a need-to-know basis. As we can learn from Charlie Harper, it is a good idea to not skip out on our Grade 8 Health class. But besides that? Who cares. Sure, some of us will become LPNs, RNs, medics, doctors, and dentists. But this will forever be the minority of the population. Most of us will work in sales and just won't need to know about the goings-ons of the many bodily functions. We don't really need to know what part goes where, or how long or short some things are, or what kinds of things are generated or processed in different compartments of the body. I can say this now because I have been mostly healthy for all of my life, and therefore cannot easily empathize with the many people that have gone through some form of ailment or another. Even so. If I had been diagnosed with morbid obesity, for example, I could benefit from simply taking my doctor's advice to start leading a healthier lifestyle, without having to go to BodyWorlds to see what slices of human fat looks like around the muscle and nervous systems.

Today's kids grow fast enough as it is. They want to be all grown up and be independent, free from parental oppression. They want to be exposed to as much and as often as possible so that they can get a feel for what may or may not be good for them. This includes exposure to and comprehension of the human body. But there is a fundamental lack of understanding for these children who don't see this artwork as a previous functioning contributing human member of society. There is that definite disconnect. But it is the adults (teachers - since it will be mostly schools who will be taking hoards of immature groups of teenagers, and younger, to experience the BodyWorlds, without direct parental guidance) that will teach that free will has allowed these individuals to give up their bodies to art/science (I don't know which it is) just as they may do so for medical research. These two things are not the same. Sure, the soul may leave the body upon death (did I mention no BodyWorld statues were formally politicians?) But that doesn't mean that the body shouldn't be prepared in a more ashes-to-ashes, dust-to-dust sort of way. Different cultures deal with their dead in tons of different ways - none of which include preserving the corpse for public display. So what makes Von Hagen so special?

On my 3.5 hour tour of BodyWorlds (trust me, that's thorough), I had watched scores of children randomly bump around from display case to statue to other display case, tugging on mommy's arm, saying "What's that brown spot" and "Where is that guy's nose". The majority of people were well-behaved, but after a while you begin to understand that this should be an at least 14A rated exhibit. I wouldn't say that there are proportionately more immature mannerless children out there who don't know how to behave in public, but rather, there is just more numbers of them as populations grow. Some degree of maturity and knowledge about life, death, and respect is required to not ruin the display for everyone else. Never was this so more obvious then when I had reached the "baby" display.

This especially delegated room was fully equipped with warning signs saying "contents within this display may be sensitive to some to view". In it, the development of a fertilized egg into a fetus into a near-term baby were displayed in glassware, ranging in sizes of a pickle jar to something that would hold a ~10 lb baby. It contained over 30 deceased and preserved human beings from a few weeks, up to thirty some weeks old, complete with a mother who had died with child prior to birth.

I didn't last in that room for very long. It was somewhat emotional.

But it was art! It was science?! I forget...But as glad I am for being able to see it, I still do not think it is necessary to be seen. Not unless you are a training medical staff, or you can prove a certain level of maturity that shows that you will in fact benefit from seeing something as ludicrous as a muscle-less gymnast hoisting himself up on the ropes.

I also want to leave with you with the thought of where we might go from here, with respect to de-humanizing ourselves --- de-sensitizing us from the unnatural things in the world --- rap song after webpage after lizard-man at a time. A lot of progress made in the medical field will ask for us to hold onto our stomachs as we enter an age of stem cell harvesting and transplants. The ethical dilemmas and criticisms are numerous, but certainly we will benefit from that kind of technology! How could we not?! I remember back in 2001, we talked about the ethical debates of stem cell research, as I was such a good product of Edmonton Catholic Schools. All I really remember though, was thinking how cloning would be okay if they used it on Scarlett Johanneson. Or wait! That was David Letterman's joke just last week. But seriously. I wish I did know what was next! We all seem so ready to cave in and try anything, without sufficient benefit/cost analysis. I think maybe we should spend a little bit more time at least thinking about how we are going to re-sensitize our kids as our society seems so hell-bent on desensitizing them in so many ways, without even realizing it!

Time for dinner. Cow tongue tonight.