Traveling Alone?

15 years I lived my life with a Mom and a Grandma. 15 more years I lived it with a Mom. I wasn't quite 30 actually, when my Mom passed away from cancer this past February. The 6 months prior to that were real hard. The 6 weeks - say last Christmas season - was also pretty tough, sad. The last 6 days, I didn't leave the house once. 6 days after my Mom died, I had to just "get away" from all of it, and so I abandoned everything and went to see the only other person who had keeping a tight hold of my heart since the previous Spring. In hindsight, I did that allllll terribly wrong. But nevertheless, I did it. I needed to escape the nightmare I was living; I needed to fall into the dream I wanted most.

It was a weird thing traveling to San Francisco alone. All my life, my Mom showed me what it was like to go places. She did quite a bit of adventuring before me even. I didn't really even know all of her expeditions with all much detail, because we were always busy living in the "now" or doing spontaneous fun things or planning our next adventure - whether it be near or far, but always together.

Even as a grown man, I once said, "sorry Mr. Employer Man: I need the time off now before I go back to school", then Mom and I proceeded with our 1st trip to New York City. Those sorts of things happened time & time again so that we could just DO stuff. SEE stuff. After all, stuff is neat to see & do!

Then in April - about 2 months after my Mom passed away - an ex-girlfriend contacted me about the possibility of going to a music festival in Quebec. I was a little hesitant. Not because of the lonely, vulnerable void I was feeling OR the craving I had to be near someone, anyone,  but because I was going to be a 4th to help round the numbers and subsidize the costs, with people I didn't really know.  But given that the ex and I had maintained a relatively positive friendship, and because the announced bands were REALLY REALLY AWESOME, I committed to her, the group, and myself.

So I wouldn't really be alone since I was joining my ex and her 2 friends. Bonus.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Well, as it turns out, I kind of was alone. The music festival wasn't happening until the following Thursday (party day!), Friday, and Saturday so we all had about a week to explore Montreal at our own leisure! Sweet! My trip to San Francisco in February was 7 nights in total and I was determined to spend as much time as I could with that special someone - I was only a little bit concerned about seeing the crooked street and Golden Gate Bridge and cable cars and ocean as I escaped from reality. Montreal had to be different: no one to account to, no one to slow me down, no one to worry about but myself. My Mom and I traveled many places together so I knew my requirements and my limits.  In other words: I was ready to Give'r Hard. 

And that I did!

After a long day of travel, me & my companions found ourselves settling in then looking for food & drinkS. This was the only night where I ended up back at our apartment at the same time as them. We bombed around a little together, but they didn't really know where they wanted to go or what they wanted to see - and I didn't have time for that - so: I ditched.

What you'll find below is an assortment of select photos I took from my week in Montreal. I was especially stoked to make new friends as we enjoyed the finest things this city had to offer - together.  Not alone.

The artwork/graffiti was amazing. The food & drinks even better. The weather was perfect. Starbucks accomodated me nicely via a vanilla latte through the 1 midday rainfall we had. The only other night it rained, I was too wasted to be much deterred. Churches and bars, maple trees and museums. Montreal had a pretty epic 3 story HMV store, a Bell Centre for the Habs, and also a Le Baie. There was stuff to see everywhere I went. The smoking culture was insane, but the bilingualism was fascinating. Better bike lanes than here at home. And festivals of all sorts everywhere you go.

Thank you, Mom, so much, for showing me how to travel the world and see so much. I will take you with me in my heart wherever I go. In that sense, wherever I go, I will never truly be "alone". But where that might be next? I do not know...

 

montreal smoked meat

The "trash" bar made us sad, but Le Ptit Bar served us Maple Whiskey.

 

"Montreal 1984"

      

 

 THINK! It's a philosophical experience.

Embracing My Values

One of the good things about getting old is learning what in this world you really, really don't like. Or at the very least, we learn better what limits we find tolerable according to each of our own personalities; as well as to what extent we perceive to be unacceptable behaviour in others. I couldn't believe how rude the 20 year old girl was towards the person working the till at the A&W today. Just why?  There was just 0 reason to be so unpleasant to a perfect stranger. (Admittedly, on occasion I have had my own fair share of  bad days, resulting in my behaving somewhat poorly towards my fellow human beings...). But I try not to make a habit out of it!!! Show some (self-/) respect!!!

On the flip side, the more we live and experience life, the more things we see in this world which we may one day hope to adopt into our own lifestyles - to a lesser or further extent. 

Alternatively, a person could remain blissfully ignorant to the entire outside world and only ever (greedily) seek out and live by the plastic things that make him or her feel good. I think it might've been Captain Jack Sparrow who lived by the mantra:

"Take What You Want And Give Nothing Back"

That lifestyle choice, I refer to as "pirateering". It's possible no Disney Character ever said that at all, but my own perception of what I see in the world too damn' often seems to support the mantra. Maybe it has something to do with a person's propensity to be "bought by the system" or to "sell out" completely, rather than thinking for themselves more about what they can do for themselves and for this finite planet.  It was likely the music that kept my heart beating as fast as my fist was pumping that allowed me to realize that It's Up To Me! to be all I can be.

As easy it is to say I am going to work on truly sincerely devoting more of my energy to living up to the standards that I set for myself, it's also important to be adding and changing and tweaking our values. For example, I value clean energy and reducing my carbon footprint. But before I am at a point of being a Net Zero kind of guy, I will probably still be purchasing a pineapple from halfway around the world. And I might have to shop at Wal-Mart for toilet paper and toothpaste and something made in China. And I might just have to drive my car to get there. But at least it's goals, right? Not to mention that when you are accountable to others - a family - sometimes there is just no getting around that energy-intensive hurdle... without straining yourself anyways.

I must also work on the valuable asset of knowing how and when to apologize. With sincerity. People say Canadians are sooo apologetic - and this may be so - but seeking forgiveness for things unsaid, hurtful things said, not accepting you were wrong, or perhaps just not being there for another person who needed you most. Those things are values that often need to be considered and reconsidered to ensure that you never get too caught up in your own arrogance or closed-mindedness.

Ethical, selfless living is what I strive for.  Maybe not total selflessness, but selfless inasmuch as my ability to provide myself and the ones I love with the necessities of health & happiness. Security, unfortunately, is often provided by The System that punk teaches us kids to loathe. Punks can evolve too though. I think it was a high school physics teacher who said to us that what the world needs more of is punk rockers and skaters because of their ability to think outside the box! Weird, coming from a geeky physics guy - but Mr. Goldthorpe was right!  The only thing to try to do from that young age was to learn what your values are and embrace them with everything you've got.

Engineering taught that hard work pays off. Commitment. Persistence. That's how to get results. Also, that nothing in this world worthwhile comes easy. YEARS later, I received my parchment. My values and priorities for family have resulted in my limited opportunity to pursue much of an engineering career - but that doesn't mean that I haven't learned even more about the other values I cherish along the way. 

Things like sincerity and honesty and family. Perhaps if I was working typical engineer's hours all along, I might not have had as much of an opportunity to put as much work into my family.

Health. Healthcare, too. And healthy environments and all that entails. From the water I drink to the air I breathe. It can all make such a difference! A recent study looked at the air toxins around Fort Saskatchewan that may have a significant impact on human health. Also: Food and nutrition. Greens. Kale? I know spinach. Spinach is fine! I don't know why there was always such a bad connotation around spinach as a kid growing up... I've never tried kale though. I wonder if it needs to be organic... I've cut fast food out of my diet all but completely already, and I  have a blender at home that is pretty fun to use. No rum required.

Speaking of drinking - that is 1 more value that I just don't embrace at all. Never mind about MADD and the tragedies of alcoholism or liver problems: just CLEAR YOUR HEAD ALREADY. Okay - on occasion, I might have 2 or 5. But seldom more. NEVER when I'm driving. I always toyed with the idea of going Straight Edge like all our favourite hardcore punk bands... it's just one of those things that I will have to continue to reflect on and seeing if it's becomes a more prioritized value in my life. That said, I could really use a friend to go for a drink with to talk about girls and life and stuff.  Now.

Something that I have decided I am going to do for myself is to try to work towards embracing a vegan diet. Not tomorrow. And not all at once. And not "to be different". And not because I am going to stop the shipment of crates of hundreds of animals for slaughter every single day. But for me.  Starting small, reducing red meats in my diet - something I decided I should do when Mom first got sick. But then within the past year or so I realized that poultry and pork certainly don't promote the sustainability of a healthy body. The Western World has done an immaculate job of selling  farm animals to consumers: they say our economies are built on farm culture after all. I look to the fear-mongerers who say animal flesh is hormone injected and will surely make you sick, and I listen to the so-called "health experts" who say we ought to be consuming 70 - 90 grams of protein for every kilogram we weigh to stay healthy. And animal consumption is the necessary way to achieve that?

In the end, it's more than my empathetic heart that gets shredded every time I watch this or read a new Russ Rankin Full Stop post that makes me want to become vegan. The deforestation required for land for grazing, the over-fishing that's done in order to pack cruise ships with lobsters... It's about the energy & resources used to raise cattle, sheep, or chickens and piglets. Unfortunately, the fact that politically speaking, the issue of the ethical treatment of animals is often over-looked here in Canada - much like the obvious contributors to global warming. Not to mention that animal rights group PETA often gets muddled up in activities that tend to undermine the very cause they are trying to promote! Yet putting all this aside, CTV's W5 episode detailing the specifics of the lives of ... livestock do indeed disgust me. Overcoming the politics, hypocrites, sentimentalists, and globalists  - not to mention the belligerent redneck Albertans who think riding a bull at a rodeo then cooking its mate on a grill is fun? ...It's an uphill battle, and in the end I am resigned to the fact that I believe eating less meat is healthier and I know that I feel better knowing that I am not personally responsible for the direct inhumane treatment of Oryx's little critters.  

These are photos taken of a cargo ship hauling cattle across the Baltic Sea.

With all these lifestyle choices about finding that comfortable quality of life that let's me feel good about myself comes at a price. Judgement and scrutiny. Thinking, evaluating, and planning. Committing.  What if I am just more susceptible to developing cancer or any other debilitating ailment that may possibly be otherwise avoided if I took better care of myself? Eating less/no meat. Drinking only red wine? Eliminating stressors. Changing my environment. And routine. Reducing sugar. Increasing vitamin D. Having the support of someone who totally gets it and wishes all the same things...

I have already tried many things that have helped me feel like a somewhat healthier person. Sometimes it's difficult to decide where to begin and where to say "enough is enough", when you are told soooo many things can be done to your daily lifestyle to improve the quality/longevity of your life. The Heart & Stroke Foundation have been campaigning on how the last TEN YEARS of the average Canadian's life is lived in poor health. And it's sad to see how my Mom has lived an exceptionally healthy life - as best as she could afford to - and is now as sick as she is... I can't say enough how infuriating it is to see sloppy, disgusting, gluttonous, rude, crude, fat, smelly, smoking, drinking, OLD people -- being able to live their life when so many good, clean, hard-working people get terminal cancer. Makes me sad... I don't live by The Book of Mormon, I don't even know The 10 Commandments... I don't ask myself: "What Would Jesus Do" when moving along through my day. But what I do know is that I have a pretty good idea of proper manners,  right from wrong, and that I can consciously make ethical, correct decisions regarding the health and welfare of those I love the most. And when I do screw up, I know that I must continue to admit defeat and apologize for my thoughts, words, or actions. Hopefully, that won't typically be required for anything too too serious too often though. :)

You'll Be My Friend Til' The End, Right?

Chapter 37. 

5 years ago I started compiling a list of the people I admire. No, not people like Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Stephen Lewis, or even Oprah. It was a list of REAL people like co-workers, classmates, friends, and even some teachers I've had over the years. It was a list of people that I had the privilege of getting to know a little bit more personally at least on some level. To get on this list, some of these people had overcome hardships: refugees from Eastern Europe overcoming intolerance (in Redneck Alberta), or having to raise a child alone from a young age, or getting up each and every morning living their life in chronic pain or having to face their scariest demons. Some of these people made the list simply because of their outgoing, motivated nature, and desire to just be involved in the world in general. Others made it because they simply showed a good attitude and treated every challenge they faced with the respect it deserved. I could (maybe should??) have made a list of people I DEvalue as their motivations, actions, attitudes, and behaviours were, in my opinion, disgraceful or disgusting.  But who's to say that I know anything about what makes a quality character type and what does not?! "I have not been put upon this earth to subjugate or serve" so I've just learned to leave these character types well enough alone, even if I thought that sometimes they needed a Tellin'.

I write this now as I stop to reflect on the people that have entered and exited my life over the past 3 years, over the past 6 years, and over the past 10 years. Going back to 2003, I find myself thinking of some of the highest quality people I had ever met at my first years at college. Sure, maybe it's because I was DRUNK & 20 for much of that time, but even so those will always be remembered as some of the happiest days with some of the funnest, quality people I had ever met over my first 2 decades on this planet. These were the friends I thought I would have forever. And then life just happens to happen: these few friends finished school, married, divorced, had babies, started careers, went to more school, traveled, and, well - just kind of grew farther and farther away from me. To this day, few remain at all. Yet I like to still think that even if facebook.com or the internet all of a sudden died forever overnight, this gaggle of guys and gals from a decade ago would still be considered some of my greatest friends... 

By 2007, a lot of the kids I had come to "know" were getting all grow'd up. Some had some solid work experience or relationship experience or life experience or all 3. And as a result, the kids were hardly even kids anymore. My friends were developing into the character-types they would become for the rest of their lives (for better or worse, I dunno)! Some already had families, some had already fought cancer, some had sadly departed from this world.  Personally, I felt a little bit behind the curve with respect to my place amongst my peers,  but fortunately found that surrounding myself around the most positive outgoing people in the world: people who were ready to set the world on fire with their passion and devotion to "all the right causes", I might still have a half a chance. Socially conscious, active, healthy, hard-working, hard-partying, environmentally motivated, self-consciously aware. The people that had come into my life over this time motivated me to be a better man: less cynical, non-apathetic, more active, HOPEFUL even... Unfortunately this realm of quality people sllooowwlllly phased out of my life as well, despite my attempts to draggggg out & cling on to a few of these friends/relationships just a little bit longer --- people Just Moved On.  And today, many of these inspirational people continue to do well for themselves, although often more privately and without feeling the urge or necessity to inspire, attract, or motivate others to see things the way they do. These friends may be so far gone doing their own things by now, but I still cherish the impact they had on my life and for them encouraging me to indeed looking at the world - with all its wonders & atrocities - for what it's worth.

Enter 2010. All done school and working away as professionally as I could manage. Punk shows done up equally as professionally.  Becoming closer friends with kids from shows, still seeing friends from school on occasion. Facebook takes my own social networking more global than I could have ever imagined. Then boom. My Mom gets cancer. Plans get changed. I try working for a while then realize that it was not worth it. There was simply no way I could devote the energy into the engineering profession that was asked of me then also maintain that energy to take care of my Mom to the level she deserved.  Ovarian cancer is the silent killer - the 5th most common cancer-causing death (after lung cancer, breast cancer, colon cancer, and pancreatic cancer). And there was just No Telling if treatment would be effective. After 27 years of my Mom taking care of me, it was time for me to work overtime on taking care of her - while I still had the chance. Work could wait. Family? Family never really got it. They were all always tooo far removed and didn't have all those same values that I have come to realize that I have ultimately my Mom to thank for. The friends that had made an impact on my "adult" life for 10 years were merely other people that had been brought up with similar morals and outlooks on life that I had. And in a lot of ways, these  ideals including sincerity and concern were displayed by the closest of friends, mostly moreso than any family member of my Mom. The values & feelings I had about life only flourished as I was able to listen about and learn from friends' experiences related to cancer (here is one example I wanted to include). Even the friends that couldn't (thankfully) relate would show us empathy and compassion. Empathy & Compassion go a long ways when a person hasn't had to go through the painful experience of having an otherwise young, healthy, loved-one live with terminal cancer for any period of time. Many of them had even come up with various suggestions for "outside-of-the-box" treatment options, pain management options, diet options... I had friends who provided me some comic or intimate or psychological relief just by being able to connect with them on some level. Even if it were just online when I was needed closer to home and couldn't really go out, or travel abroad, or even socialize by the water cooler at coffee break. Those friends were so incredibly important to me that they will probably never even begin to realize it. Being able to outreach online with quality-grade people has made this "journey" all the more bearable for me. Being a full-time caregiver is a tiresome, demanding, tragic, and rewarding role to play. I suppose I have had "breaks" from that role to some extent as I tried working when the cancer was controlled (but not ever gone)  - but between the death of my Grandma in early 2012 & learning that my Mom would have to change chemotherapies only months after being treated for her first recurrence with an ineffective drug, I quickly re-entered the full-time caregiver position - work would wait. Again, the best of friends were there for me and my Mom. Family got used to the idea of Mom being sick: the phone calls & house visits dwindled steadily. The adjustment of getting poison shot into their sister's vein, once, twice, sometimes more, I guess, was an easier adjustment to make than having it happen to themselves. Slowly, I abandoned my own social life all but completely - lost a good girl in the process - so I could devote even more of myself to my family life. Even time online plummeted, along with the relationships that I only ever had with people online. But No Regrets, as I have had this opportunity to make amazing memories and have incredible experiences with Mom this past while: seeing the world, walking down Whyte Avenue, having a couple fancy meals, talking... just everything - it's all just been really tragic and special.

For 3 years I did my best to support my Mom and her struggle against ovarian cancer by participating in a huge cycling fundraiser. By doing so, I believe I was able to raise a lot of awareness about ovarian cancer as well as raising over $10,000 for gynecological cancers over the 3 rides I did. Friends stepped up HUGE in helping me achieve this, as I had more donors than many others on my team. In addition to the funds raised for The Cause, the amount of support provided to me through my team for 3 years was equally as helpful. More Quality Friends. In total, friends and family raised over $100,000 as a team. Think I got much from my family? Not much. Despite e-mailing and making my family aware of my efforts to raise money in support of my Mom, I was able to raise a total of $0.00 from my family members this past year. Stop. This makes a guy really truly think about & appreciate what he has in his life: the support, compassion, empathy, and GENEROSITY of his friends. His friends - whether they be near or far - are often a lot more receptive of the reality of the situation than even members of his own family. Even "close" family often fails to recognize or appreciate the tragedy of this reality... I don't know if they are in denial, disinterested, self-involved, or just plain ignorant but it feels that a lot of my friends have a lot better understanding of what my and my Mom's life has been this past period of time. And for this, I am thankful. My family is my closest friends: those people that at least TRY to empathize with me, offer legit, sincere support, share their own Ups & Downs with me, and allow me to be sad, so, soooo sad sometimes too. MY definition of family, I think, is actually pretty well summed up in this book I have just begun reading recently. 

3 years, 6 years, 10 years, 29 years. Over this time I have come up with some pretty basic qualities that I look for in a friend: integrity, respect, self respect, patience, sincerity, forgiveness, temperance, honesty, and a willingness to just be there when called upon...and when NOT called on too. I find myself thinking what if 60% of my life is over Right Now? At Age 30, I can't imagine that in  20, 25 years it will all be over. And I hope it's not. But if it did end, then I hope I can spend a good portion of the remainder of my days with friends (family) that have the values have been passed down to me and that I have learned to cherish so much as I get closer to this next chapter of my life with each passing day. 

...So will you make it onto my "list*"? 

*note: I do NOT actually have a list like Danny McGrath. 

You sound like a broken record.

Over the past few weeks, the online community has become inundated with posts and shares and invites from musicians and bands to attend today's International Record Store Day... "Come out and buy your rare, unique, hard-to-find vinyl & support your local independent record shop while your at it!" The idea has it's merits: get consumers to spend on what many often view as a dying industry. The bands aren't making any money and the stores are making even less! So all across the 20s and well into the 30s demographic, kids are letting the cash flow. Successful marketing. Which happens to fall on the 1 day of the year that smoking marijuana is celebrated more than any other day.  I heard 1 guy talk about how he was able to score 3 White Stripes albums which were released especially for a 10th anniversary of something or other.  I wonder if that means he's gonna go home and smoke 3 joints and call it a successful day.

I appreciate music. More than most, not a much as many more. My collection of mp3s and CD-Rs and CDs is diverse and extensive. I have 0 records and a few silly cassette tapes that get play-time never. I have evolved in my preference of music: Prong's Primitive Origins and Screeching Weasel's My Brain Hurts will always hold a special place in my heart but as I finish off my 20s, I might put on something  a little less raw or mad or (do I dare say it?) simple.

I find myself enjoying music as much as ever, especially as it continues to flood in from everywhere. Dropbox, Grooveshark, YouTube, friends that forward downloads...really it's a non-stop train. There's dead bands reforming and making new music, old bands putting out new material after 25 years of hard work, fresh new sounds like this Lawrence Arms side project, and let's not forget our up-and-rising stars Selena and Justin!

But alas! I will not be taking part in World Record day.

Mindful, arrogant self-promotion in order to get the masses into the stores to buy their product. Really, you're not cool if you don't like music, you know. Where would the world be without it after all!! We all covet thy song which will shake our bones and penetrate our soul. Bring a tear to our eye and give us strength to get up another day. I can't count the # of times I've heard how much "music SAVES me" or "I would be nothing if it weren't for my music". Heck, you might even grow a beard and where skinny jeans to help proclaim your love for music on a more visually stimulating level.

I want more than just music. It will always be in my heart and I am thankful for that. But right now I sit here in silence contemplating my future. It could be a dark & lonely future if I didn't have at least music as a part of it, but truthfully, without having someone to share your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, fears, vulnerabilities, and experiences with - live is bound to be dark & lonely (more or less) anyways. I have gone to countless concerts then left again, speaking only to The Merch Guy or The Beer Tub Girl and yes, although the entertainment value of the evening would be great, the experience as a whole could almost count as disappointing.

Music is not everything.

So here I am! A guitar sits in my basement I don't play, 6 or so of "childhood" piano under my belt,  high school French Horn skills that have dissipated  despite the joy and inspiration of a lifelong favourite band - Fractal Pattern. I try not to sing, I cannot keep a beat.

A person can find happiness outside of music. Similar interests? Well, that's MUSIC, right??! BLEH! There's things like life goals, ambition, health & lifestyle, ability to earn the chance to travel and see the WORLD, thoughts on God and religion and what happens when we die. Just the ability to communicate in general, really!! THESE THINGS are what can make a person just as satisified as going out and buying a new record to support the struggling artist. 

Okay, I have some Calexico CDs to go pick up tomorrow from my Edmonton Public Library. Good night.

Too Late, No Friends

Do you want to be my friend? I swear I will be a good friend. I will return texts right away, I will let you know when your favourite gin goes on sale, I will pick up your mail when you are on vacation, I will not sleep with your wife when you are working on the road, I will send you the latest new music you know I know you want to hear, I will ask you your thoughts on war and peace. I will resist encouraging you to break up with your boyfriend, I will share my phone charger when we are on a road trip as long as you let me have veto power over the music you try to play. Deal? Please? Please?

 Too Late. Time's Up. No friends. Your future is now and there is nobody here. It's all been established and what you hoped for will never ever be. Mundane, mediocre, complacent and lame. This is your life now. But you're married though, right? Obviously... Not. Just because your life is over doesn't mean your married. Just because you have no friends doesn't mean your life's over! And if, by the off-chance, you are married, it doesn't mean that you can't have friends. But if you in fact ARE married, maybe the friends you sleep with will be the one your wife or husband knows about. They say the best marriages are really just healthy open friendships.  And with the legalization of gay marriage, open marriages are even more commonplace (at least once a week, anyways). If you are married and are not sleeping with your friends, then I hope you are using protection and are understanding the repercussions of solicitation for all persons involved. Friendships that are not open often fail. Marriages between 2 happy (heterosexual?) friends can still prove to last the test of time. As long as you can trust your best friend and eachother's mutual friends to live the life together that each of you had vowed to live.

Who are your friends? Are they your big brother's friends? Are they your bros from your high school football team 10 years ago? Are they your weed dealer? Are they only people who are as edumacated as you? Maybe you and your friend shared experiences together years ago that some people might deem shameful. Maybe you and your friends all agreed to dislike the same room mate in college. Maybe they are your co-workers? Your superiors? Your juniors hate you, just so you know. If your friends aren't your little sister's friends that you really are just hoping to score with some day, then who else does that leave? Grandparents offer wisdom and money. Uncles are pervy or drunkards. Your aunt smoked too much dope in the 70's to be much more good than a couch to crash on. Her kids are all half your age and live with their dad in Tennessee. The parents: the disciplinarians. Your friends are imaginary? Pump up the RISPERDAL. Your friends are electronic? You recognize them by the pace of their keystroke returns. Their status updates, their taste in music, and "where they been". There is no need to hear their voice. No need for a cell with a mic or earpiece. It might really quiet things in this world down. Just a constant but soft hummmmmmmmmmmm of electonics charging. everywhere.     

Living life is not easy. "It's as easy as you make it", you say? If you say so. Be like Nike and Just Do It, right? Be like Lance and Live STRONG, eh? OK. United we are strong, this much is true. But finding the capacity to unite with like-minded individuals is another task in this world that takes 2 things: commitment and the willingness to see the good in other people. Finding the time to commit to, well, finding a friend is hard enough. What if you don't drink? Go to the dog park. Must Love Dogs was a movie for middle-aged women 10 years ago... I think. Go to the library? Lots of cute nerdy chicks at the library... so I hear. WAIT!!!! This post isn't about meeting girls!!! It's about  having a friend. It's about not being ALONE in this world and about knowing that someone has your back. Devotion to brotherhood. It's in all your 90's hardcore punk rock collection if this is still not sinking in.  Once committed, a guy's gotta find a way to supplement this symbiotic friendship. He needs to be able to AFFORD to have a social life, let alone have a romantic social life with the girl of his dreams! He needs to be able to afford beers and gas and tickets for things and beers and time away from whatever else might be preventing him from earning him an AFFORDABLE social/romantic life!!!

And until then, the guy abandons his expectations of having more from life.

How 'bout that second thing? "The willingness to see the good in other people". Kinda important. The key, I think, is to know and embrace the fact that we are alllllll hypocrites and we can only aspire to understand that "we were not put on this earth to subjugate or serve". It is true that there is a concession that judging others' lifestyles is not a socially accepted behaviour. Religious differences alone can be an incredibly divisive factor in how we choose our friends. Maybe we won't befriend somebody because of what they eat, drive, or style their hair. Maybe we secretly deem their lavish lifestyle inappropriate for their credit rating, assets, educational background,  earning potential, or motivation. Maybe the most bigoted inexcusable stereotype judgement of a "kind of person" not only extinguishes any potential of gaining a special friend, but also adds to the hatred and ugliness that is so widespread throughout the world today thanks to ... the way the world is today.


Personally, I don't think it's TOO LATE FOR FRIENDS like the Gob and Daggermouth album/song allude to. But let it be said that outside of the limited commitments I do have in my life, I can only hope that opportunity will present itself for me to be able to commit to building friendships. Heaven knows that I have truly met some incredible people through my last few jobs, my extensive degree, my hobbies, and interests and it would be terrific to be able to (at the very least) maintain those relationships through a means more substantial than facebook or e-mail. But let it be said as well that if a guy didn't have the family, girlfriend, career, or friends (in whatever capacity) holding him where he is, maybe all those things can be found someplace else in this world.

So, so long for now, friends! And thanks for wasting your time here!.

           

(some I only see on computer screens)

ch. 125

Leave it alone.

I am afraid. So afraid. I've never been afraid of anything in this world as I am right now. Which says a lot because I have a pretty open mind to the endless possibilities of scary things out there: nuclear war, alien invasion, tainted meat, global warming, saturated fats, ghosts, conservative majorities, God, finding myself with the wrong girl, genetically modified foods, arthritis, drug shortages, caffeine addictions, water shortages, China, future milk prices, cancer, being alone.

Companionship. That, I think, is the #1 thing in this world that the human soul desires most. The ability to find someone to be there with you when times are tough. In sickness and in health is how the vow goes... well, for many... eventually. Sometimes. The majority of both men & women alike will eventually strive to be able to return to that 1 person that is their world. Comfort in monogamy will finally trump the perceived necessity of not being “tied down” once they get the kink out of their system; once they think they've found their soul mate. To find that significant person and then be able to build, sculpt, intensify, and deepen your understanding of one another's most inner thoughts, feelings, and beliefs is what one of the penultimate keys is to finding happiness. “He completes me”, I think, is the line from the movie. And to be able to find this kind of love early on in life (high school sweethearts? mid-20s?, before 40??) is also a lot to be thankful for --- especially with constantly escalating divorce rates and rapidly declining numbers of 50 or 40 or 30 year marriages. "Without love, breathing is just the ticking of an unwinding clock counting down the time it takes for you to comprehend the sheer magnitude of every single precious breath you've ever wasted!” is the line from the song. But more than that, without love, LIFE is truly pointless. Comfort counts for a lot. Tenderness. Patience. Commitment. In this 21^st Century, sex-crazed, zero-attention spa-- wha? Oh yeah: youth are losing the understanding of what it takes to, well, love.

Love starts at home. Parenting. I've said it once, I'll say it again: blame the parents. Not the teachers, not the 'other kids', not the governments or the internet. It's the babies having babies that must instill the values and grace into our future generations before anything else. Sure, social safety nets provided by the government can play a role in deciding how easy it will be for a parent to raise a child (subsidize everything) especially for the low-incomers. Our babies will learn respect, temperance, and integrity from home. You cannot love outside of the home without living with love inside the home first. If we learn how to truly love at home, then there might be hope on this planet for future generations.

  

It must be understood that the time we have to love on this insane planet is truly a blessing. Too many tragic occurrences happen every single day for all the wrong reasons (or no reason at all) to think otherwise. Too many selfless acts go punished, too many generous causes are exploited... All of it can go away in a SNAP. Just. Like. That. Look outside your window right now: Yes, that is a nuclear bomb mushroom cloud over Calgary thanks to a trigger-happy Kim Jong Un. Yes, that is Hurricane Veronica hooking up with another nor'easter to destroy more of the New England coastline. I mean Cuba. Errr... Mexico. Vancouver? Well, those riots will go down in history but otherwise it will be remembered as a generally affluent, friendly town ever since that San Andreas fault slipped and that tidal wave devastated all coastal cities on the pacific. But still, you are doing OK.Then? Tomorrow morning after dodging out between parked cars to catch the bus for your morning commute - WHAM! Damn'. Smite down in your tracks. By a Ford F-350. No time for regrets or apologies. Too late to be contrite, to repent. Just darkness. Despite seemingly endless catastrophes all around the world, your world was a miracle. You were blessed.  Life is more than biology. It is cherishing. Remembering. Devoting  & dedicating. For reasons pre-supposing any science that we will ever be able to comprehend, we are put on this earth to do all those things. We were put on this earth to love. 

In our lifetime, we may or may not have the opportunity to meet our soul mate. But that's okay because the last time I checked, the soul was not listed in any anatomy book I ever saw. So it's not real? Does emotion and the ability to reason extend as far as we need it in order to appreciate the fact that this thing called a soul is actually nothing more than a sneaky little biochem trick? If that's so, a soul-mate is ridiculous and we might as well be happy to satisfy the voids in our lives with any one or any thing as often as we deem necessary: hookers & blow, frequent unsafe sex, smoking wild, drinking like a scotsman, pillage! rape! destroy! burn!  murder! murder! Murder! Take everything, give nothing back. No. We are logical yes, but it's our intuition that exists only because we do indeed have a soul. It's nothing you can see - it's deep, deep down there. Beyond the shame, doubt, denial, pride, and pain. Our soul is composed of our ability to have faith and to love. That's why we inherently go on day after day interacting with others: for that hint of a spark of a chance that we might end up meeting that soul mate.         

Loneliness is a natural state of being as well. It's bound to happen! We get comfortable with the relationships we have built for ourselves: a certain proximity to family members, neighbors, work colleagues, former classmates, boyfriends and girlfriends. And at least some of these people that we let into our lives at some point – to whatever extent – will in one way or another leave our life again. Personally, I am only aware of one former school friend that has been murdered. It's an insane reality that no one would ever imagine would happen. The devastating loss of 18 and 25 year old cousins 9 years apart from each other is a loss that also makes a guy wish they had cherished that time with them just that tiny bit more as well. It goes on and on and each of our story's are unique but nonetheless just as invaluable for teaching the life lesson of love. Of  being there. Of not taking the people that come into our lives for granted. Of putting in that tad bit of extra effort to empathize with the hardships that some of these people might have. "But as for me? I was not put upon this earth to subjugate or serve!"  Dealing with loneliness is the trick of it. Keep on truckin'! Easier said than done for some more than others, for sure. Even if you feel you are totally alone, there are still others there that will tell you otherwise. Privacy is important to an extent, but neglecting people completely is never good. That uncle with the alcohol problem, the neighbor who lost his wife, the BFF who had months of depression after a bad bad break-up. They need you. I'll say it. To love them. To them to know that they are not alone in their hour of need and that with time things will get better.   

Without going into too much detail, I will say that this last bit is the part that I fear the worst right the fuck now. More than I fear saturated fats or alien invasions. The results from Mom's scan are probably about a week or 2 away. Whatever the results may be, it doesn't change the fact that ovarian cancer is a terminal disease that can only be treated to a certain extent. And the fact that we are more than 2 years into the low 5 year survival rate doesn't make me happy. Without Mom, I am indeed alone in this world and this world is scary when all alone. But for all intents and purposes, I put on a brave face because Mom needs me to be brave and put the value of her life - our life together for nearly 29 years - ahead of anything else. I think the knowledge of having a limited time left to enjoy loving and being loved is the only thing that can be worse than knowing that your future will indeed become very, very lonely.

My only other fear is that because of my fear of being alone, I will become complacent and resign myself to a life less ... possible. I used to live by the lyric "I could never swallow your ideals of a lifeless happy ending" but now I feel that out of fear, that's exactly what I'll do. I'll become what I hate. And hate myself after living a "wasted" life for it. This juxtaposition of feelings of wanting to find love in this world & not being alone yet wanting to clench on to any opportunities that might come my way in this amazing incredible world without having to be accountable to another person is something I guess I will just have to figure out. Unless someone out there can help figure it out with me...

ch. 118

Dad's Bad News

A while back I wrote about the necessity of extremism in today's world despite the endless common sense arguments about it. Everything in moderation especially moderation, right?

 I have also written about temperance, self control, and patience and how these are characteristics that do not exist any more.

Well this is a quick blog about these 2 key concepts and how they tie together on a very personal level for me anyways. A guy can truly be a pretty decent guy up until a certain point when everything just completely goes to shit. Hopefully the collateral damage is minimal...

 
I am a solitary person. Without my 'quiet time' I get too many bad ideas all jumbled up in my head. I spend time sequestered away, searching for that far-removed piece of my mind that will give me "peace" of mind cannot be done with too many distractions. But even with all my stoic seriousness, harsh cynicism, bitter understanding of the state of the world , I still like to have a good time too. I have a decent sense of humour for both tasteless, vulgar low-brow humour PLUS old-fashioned cheesy (yet classic) comedy like those george and harriett radio programmes from the 1940s. I like the act of drinking and feeling utterly inebriated and I like the thought of having a passionate conviction for a straight edge lifestyle. Even abandoning eating meat for the right reasons is intriguing but virtually unrealistic here in Alberta. Heck, being a (meat eating) environmentalist in Alberta is probably the biggest example of hypocritical extremism there could be. No wonder my head is such a mess.

 
Now here I am listening to The Circle Jerks "live fast, die young" and thinking about all the "living" that is out there for the taking. I'm sitting here reflecting on my friend Andrew's decision to take his own life just about 2 years ago as suicide Prevention week winds up. I am thinking about my cousin whose life ended on this day --- shit --- 16 years ago?!?! I think about "family" and what that means to different people (especially my own), what it means to me, and how I feel about being alone in this world, country, province, city, neighborhood, house once mom's treatments cease to be affective. She wants nothing more than to Just Live. And the World is pretty against that for most people with ovarian cancer.

I think a lot about mental health and how a strong character-type who is truthful to himself should be his own best judge of deciding if external guidance / counseling is required. Who amongst ANY of us has a sound enough mind to determine whether a need for advanced psychiatric help/pills are required. Isn't committing to see a shrink only reaffirming your own resolve that you NEED that person in your life to share things with? Is there anyone listening to this beautiful tragedy?!?! So you pay this Arts Degree toting psychologist or social worker your hard-earned money for them to HEAR (not listen) to your ramblings and ravings. And you do this instead of paying a hooker (like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman) to do the same damn' thing.

 
Lucky for me I have been patient enough to never have defaulted to lowering my standards/"destressing" with a hooker and as a result I now have an amazing woman in my life. She gives me the strength and motivation I need to: A) be a better man to the few important people I do have in my life and B) I need to have to be able to talk to about shtuff when things are not good.

 
This has been a lot to try and piece together in my head but I think it goes back to the latin phrase used in Law: Mens Rea, being of a sound mind. I need to do this to tell myself that I am indeed here and very much alive and that bi-polar disorder and depression are sicknesses that shouldn't be screwed around with. In the end, I think my temperance and character and having Erin in my life will be enough for me to not go off the deep end or taking things to all new extremes like buying zebra print pants or sailing around the world. I hope I remain being a pretty decent guy for years to come.

 I hope I'm not late for my appointment the the shrink tomorrow...

Chapter 97.

A saner mane would have used a bigger amp.