September 24, 2012

Dad's Bad News

A while back I wrote about the necessity of extremism in today's world despite the endless common sense arguments about it. Everything in moderation especially moderation, right?
 I have also written about temperance, self control, and patience and how these are characteristics that do not exist any more.
Well this is a quick blog about these 2 key concepts and how they tie together on a very personal level for me anyways. A guy can truly be a pretty decent guy up until a certain point when everything just completely goes to shit. Hopefully the collateral damage is minimal...

I am a solitary person. Without my 'quiet time' I get too many bad ideas all jumbled up in my head. I spend time sequestered away, searching for that far-removed piece of my mind that will give me "peace" of mind cannot be done with too many distractions. But even with all my stoic seriousness, harsh cynicism, bitter understanding of the state of the world , I still like to have a good time too. I have a decent sense of humour for both tasteless, vulgar low-brow humour PLUS old-fashioned cheesy (yet classic) comedy like those george and harriett radio programmes from the 1940s. I like the act of drinking and feeling utterly inebriated and I like the thought of having a passionate conviction for a straight edge lifestyle. Even abandoning eating meat for the right reasons is intriguing but virtually unrealistic here in Alberta. Heck, being a (meat eating) environmentalist in Alberta is probably the biggest example of hypocritical extremism there could be. No wonder my head is such a mess.

Now here I am listening to The Circle Jerks "live fast, die young" and thinking about all the "living" that is out there for the taking. I'm sitting here reflecting on my friend Andrew's decision to take his own life just about 2 years ago as suicide Prevention week winds up. I am thinking about my cousin whose life ended on this day --- shit --- 16 years ago?!?! I think about "family" and what that means to different people (especially my own), what it means to me, and how I feel about being alone in this world, country, province, city, neighborhood, house once mom's treatments cease to be affective. She wants nothing more than to Just Live. And the World is pretty against that for most people with ovarian cancer.

I think a lot about mental health and how a strong character-type who is truthful to himself should be his own best judge of deciding if external guidance / counseling is required. Who amongst ANY of us has a sound enough mind to determine whether a need for advanced psychiatric help/pills are required. Isn't committing to see a shrink only reaffirming your own resolve that you NEED that person in your life to share things with? Is there anyone listening to this beautiful tragedy?!?! So you pay this Arts Degree toting psychologist or social worker your hard-earned money for them to HEAR (not listen) to your ramblings and ravings. And you do this instead of paying a hooker (like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman) to do the same damn' thing.

Lucky for me I have been patient enough to never have defaulted to lowering my standards/"destressing" with a hooker and as a result I now have an amazing woman in my life. She gives me the strength and motivation I need to: A) be a better man to the few important people I do have in my life and B) I need to have to be able to talk to about shtuff when things are not good.

This has been a lot to try and piece together in my head but I think it goes back to the latin phrase used in Law: Mens Rea, being of a sound mind. I need to do this to tell myself that I am indeed here and very much alive and that bi-polar disorder and depression are sicknesses that shouldn't be screwed around with. In the end, I think my temperance and character and having Erin in my life will be enough for me to not go off the deep end or taking things to all new extremes like buying zebra print pants or sailing around the world. I hope I remain being a pretty decent guy for years to come.

 I hope I'm not late for my appointment the the shrink tomorrow...
Chapter 97.

A saner mane would have used a bigger amp.

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