Time. There's that word again. It just keeps coming at us, tick tick ticking... but faster every minute. Time is never any good. Especially for anything. Especially for some things. A person could only have half a hope that his or her time spent here on this planet is really truly being well spent in the end. For me? Well, I'm not dying. That's how the ol' saying goes, right? "Live like you are dying." Live with intensity and passion and have no regrets. Have faith and trust in the people you surround yourself with and try to live your life with at least some degree of integrity.
She has got my attention again. After sooooo much time has already passed. I don't know if it had really ever faded away completely. And now. Here she is. After all these years. Vulnerability? Trust? Acceptance? HUGE factors this time 'round. Maybe cuz we are both that much older. Not to mention that it's such early days. There's just so much to be lost... so much to be gained, if we just knew how some things were going to play out...with time.
I can understand her insecurities: 1) look at ME! I am insecure about myself! Being a jelous, insecure wreck never helps matters. Ever. 2) She has reeallllly recently come out of a serious relationship and probably owes it to herself to not to do anything more than just go out and have "fun" for as long as she needs to and as many people she can. 3) She might already know how NON-compatible we already are, and is only soaking up the tenderness and care that I can try to offer her since that's what she needs right now, when really she is still hurting so much (despite putting on that brave, brave face!) 4) She is loving being there for me in this tough time, and knows how much I love having her around also. 5) She appreciates the value in time too and realizes that investing anything into another (potentially) significant relationship now could end in even more heartache down the road.
Where we might go from here? I don't know. Just like in many instances in the past, it might just end completely before it even really gets going at all. And that might even be for the best? But what about that BS about having loved and lost being better than never having loved at all?? After all, the worst that can happen is that we all just turn another year older as another year passes us by - alone again. Instead of taking a chance on this great opportunity, she or I or both of us together might decide that instead of squandering our time, we should be focusing on more realistic potential for where we want to see ourselves (individually) in time. Let's try not to forget the fact that my head is all over the place here lately, since my Mom has got sick and since I mull endlessly over what I want out of my own life...GAAAHH!! Not to mention the time that needs to be invested in achieving the more significant things that a person wants to accomplish in life, and what sorts of ties or blockades are holding a person back in working towards those things... *sigh*
But what I do know for sure is that it feels like magic when I am with her.
I am doing a better job of respecting the value of my time these days. I am trying, at least, especially given current circumstances. And I know I even have to simplify my life even more and make some hard fucking decisions. In making these choices, though, windows & doors get slammed shut and might not open again for a long, long time. And if these choices I make are the wrong ones, then it ends up feeling like a hell of a lot of time just wasted altogether.
One of the things I have committed to this year is spending more time on bettering my health. Cardio, muscular, nutrition, (are those the whole 9 yards?) Well it's a start anyways. I know that this way, that even if this (doomed?) "relationship" fails before it even begins, then I will at least have something else going for me: a hot irresistable bod for the next girl out there that I can trick into making think I am mostly a pretty good guy. The second thing is to "unplug" more. I hate most things that the cyber/electronic world turn people in to: monsters, that is. Electronic devices, social media, and instant gratification from knowledge via communication with others or the world of google is making us all less human. And last time I checked, even the best (worst) of porn websites do not come equipped with a real life vagina for you to put your dick into. If this "relationship" her and I were to get serious, then you better believe that she would want it to be "posted" of facebook. Labeling something between 2 people on some website for others to witness/interpret/judge/(dis)approve of isn't really necessary, is it? Especially if the 2 people hardly know what it is they have between them themselves! A couple could truly find some comfort in the sanity that whatever kind of personal happenings and occurrences that is going on between them is only for them.
I hate myself for loving her. Is it love? What is love? Is four and a half years "love"? Is buying a condo together "love"? How about a puppy? Who even decides when or where that plateau is reached. I'd like to think that love is never-ending and that a couple can grow to love each other forevermore. Hell, love could be having a coffee if you are genuinely enjoying the time you are spending with that other person. But if those coffee dates cease to occur then she very may well turn into one of the best things that never quite happened to me. Forget about condos or puppies.
I don't want to wait for time. I don't want to wait for the next best one to come along. I don't want to worry about anything at all but my being there for her and her being there for me. Without any insecurities. Ever.