My Fucking Depression

Chapter 36



i havent been genuinely happy for quite some time now. and by "genuinely happy" i mean being happy internally - outside of any "happy experiences" such as going to DisneyLand or getting with a girl or watching one of your favorite bands...but then i had to ask myself the question. i mean, it's indirectly built into the name of my blog after all. what is happiness? genuine happiness. is it relative? is not being in pain? is it only being i love? if is it the realization that you are in fact loved by someone at all? is it drunken blissful stupor? is it knowing & believing that things will be okay? maybe by having more faith in that there will be an end that justifies the means? faith? religion? will god bring me happiness? is it having a peace of mind?



what if i never get the chance to ever be truly happy again? what if i forget what true happiness even is? ... when do the professionals draw the line between deciding if someone is medically depressed or rather is just extraordinarily pessimisitc, apathetic, angry, and bitter? when does an unhappy person even decide that they even need a professional's psychiatric evaluation? after the first court order? after the first suicide attempt?



when does a sad person even become suicidal? what gives a person the right to decide that they are soo far beyond gone that the repercussions of suicide (like hell or leaving a family in grief, for example) even become a viable option?



this world is tough, i know. my life has been easy in all of the important ways. but sometimes sad. more times happy. some times sad. the spill canvas give me solace in their song self-conclusion where the indy rocker sings "we all flirt with the tiniest notion of self-conclusion in just one simplified motion / see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it/ no matter how unbearable this misery gets".



since this, and many other songs written by pro-life punk bands have had such an impact on my life, i know that i will keep on with this fucking grind, despite feeling like im in such a funk all the time. death is a scary thing i think about probably too much. "what if i died tonight? car crash. propane explosion. lysteria tainted meat. strangled by my own headphones while i sleep in my bed. what would become of the stuff i left behind? how would i be remembered? how would my mom survive? who else would my death have an effect on? i'm pretty sure even Cosmo has forgotten about Oliver after all.



the sun is hotter now than it was 10 and 20 years ago. that protective layer of ozone is getting thinner. the cancer rates are getting higher. just the other day my uncle's girlfriend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. cancer. god what a horrible thing. i enjoy living even if i'm sad. if anything, i enjoy being here to try and make others happy. i like it when people are happy. that is when i am happiest! but so many good people are dying and continue to die at young ages. i was outside a lot last weekend and got some hella bad sunburn and could just feel the cancer burning into my skin.



alternatively we grow old. some are good, more are bad, but there are people that keep on living. people that have been through a real depression. and they carry on. my grandma is one of the good one's. she fights and struggles through in a world in which she has lost soo much: a grand daughter, husbands, sisters and brothers. it gives me strength to see if i can make it that long, but at the same time i stop and think about how difficult it has been for her and how difficult it will continue to be for a lot of people in similar shoes as me given the state of this effed up world.



i cant think of anything else to say but gah. but i will live for today.