November 17, 2012

Leave it alone.

I am afraid. So afraid. I've never been afraid of anything in this world as I am right now. Which says a lot because I have a pretty open mind to the endless possibilities of scary things out there: nuclear war, alien invasion, tainted meat, global warming, saturated fats, ghosts, conservative majorities, God, finding myself with the wrong girl, genetically modified foods, arthritis, drug shortages, caffeine addictions, water shortages, China, future milk prices, cancer, being alone.

Companionship. That, I think, is the #1 thing in this world that the human soul desires most. The ability to find someone to be there with you when times are tough. In sickness and in health is how the vow goes... well, for many... eventually. Sometimes. The majority of both men & women alike will eventually strive to be able to return to that 1 person that is their world. Comfort in monogamy will finally trump the perceived necessity of not being “tied down” once they get the kink out of their system; once they think they've found their soul mate. To find that significant person and then be able to build, sculpt, intensify, and deepen your understanding of one another's most inner thoughts, feelings, and beliefs is what one of the penultimate keys is to finding happiness. He completes me, I think, is the line from the movie. And to be able to find this kind of love early on in life (high school sweethearts? mid-20s?, before 40??) is also a lot to be thankful for --- especially with constantly escalating divorce rates and rapidly declining numbers of 50 or 40 or 30 year marriages. "Without love, breathing is just the ticking of an unwinding clock counting down the time it takes for you to comprehend the sheer magnitude of every single precious breath you've ever wasted!” is the line from the song. But more than that, without love, LIFE is truly pointless. Comfort counts for a lot. Tenderness. Patience. Commitment. In this 21st Century, sex-crazed, zero-attention spa-- wha? Oh yeah: youth are losing the understanding of what it takes to, well, love.

Love starts at home. Parenting. I've said it once, I'll say it again: blame the parents. Not the teachers, not the 'other kids', not the governments or the internet. It's the babies having babies that must instill the values and grace into our future generations before anything else. Sure, social safety nets provided by the government can play a role in deciding how easy it will be for a parent to raise a child (subsidize everything) especially for the low-incomers. Our babies will learn respect, temperance, and integrity from home. You cannot love outside of the home without living with love inside the home first. If we learn how to truly love at home, then there might be hope on this planet for future generations.
It must be understood that the time we have to love on this insane planet is truly a blessing. Too many tragic occurrences happen every single day for all the wrong reasons (or no reason at all) to think otherwise. Too many selfless acts go punished, too many generous causes are exploited... All of it can go away in a SNAP. Just. Like. That. Look outside your window right now: Yes, that is a nuclear bomb mushroom cloud over Calgary thanks to a trigger-happy Kim Jong Un. Yes, that is Hurricane Veronica hooking up with another nor'easter to destroy more of the New England coastline. I mean Cuba. Errr... Mexico. Vancouver? Well, those riots will go down in history but otherwise it will be remembered as a generally affluent, friendly town ever since that San Andreas fault slipped and that tidal wave devastated all coastal cities on the pacific. But still, you are doing OK.Then? Tomorrow morning after dodging out between parked cars to catch the bus for your morning commute - WHAM! Damn'. Smite down in your tracks. By a Ford F-350. No time for regrets or apologies. Too late to be contrite, to repent. Just darkness. Despite seemingly endless catastrophes all around the world, your world was a miracle. You were blessed.  Life is more than biology. It is cherishing. Remembering. Devoting  & dedicating. For reasons pre-supposing any science that we will ever be able to comprehend, we are put on this earth to do all those things. We were put on this earth to love. 

In our lifetime, we may or may not have the opportunity to meet our soul mate. But that's okay because the last time I checked, the soul was not listed in any anatomy book I ever saw. So it's not real? Does emotion and the ability to reason extend as far as we need it in order to appreciate the fact that this thing called a soul is actually nothing more than a sneaky little biochem trick? If that's so, a soul-mate is ridiculous and we might as well be happy to satisfy the voids in our lives with any one or any thing as often as we deem necessary: hookers & blow, frequent unsafe sex, smoking wild, drinking like a scotsman, pillage! rape! destroy! burn!  murder! murder! Murder! Take everything, give nothing back. No. We are logical yes, but it's our intuition that exists only because we do indeed have a soul. It's nothing you can see - it's deep, deep down there. Beyond the shame, doubt, denial, pride, and pain. Our soul is composed of our ability to have faith and to love. That's why we inherently go on day after day interacting with others: for that hint of a spark of a chance that we might end up meeting that soul mate        

Loneliness is a natural state of being as well. It's bound to happen! We get comfortable with the relationships we have built for ourselves: a certain proximity to family members, neighbors, work colleagues, former classmates, boyfriends and girlfriends. And at least some of these people that we let into our lives at some point – to whatever extent – will in one way or another leave our life again. Personally, I am only aware of one former school friend that has been murdered. It's an insane reality that no one would ever imagine would happen. The devastating loss of 18 and 25 year old cousins 9 years apart from each other is a loss that also makes a guy wish they had cherished that time with them just that tiny bit more as well. It goes on and on and each of our story's are unique but nonetheless just as invaluable for teaching the life lesson of love. Of  being there. Of not taking the people that come into our lives for granted. Of putting in that tad bit of extra effort to empathize with the hardships that some of these people might have. "But as for me? I was not put upon this earth to subjugate or serve!"  Dealing with loneliness is the trick of it. Keep on truckin'! Easier said than done for some more than others, for sure. Even if you feel you are totally alone, there are still others there that will tell you otherwise. Privacy is important to an extent, but neglecting people completely is never good. That uncle with the alcohol problem, the neighbor who lost his wife, the BFF who had months of depression after a bad bad break-up. They need you. I'll say it. To love them. To them to know that they are not alone in their hour of need and that with time things will get better.   

Without going into too much detail, I will say that this last bit is the part that I fear the worst right the fuck now. More than I fear saturated fats or alien invasions. The results from Mom's scan are probably about a week or 2 away. Whatever the results may be, it doesn't change the fact that ovarian cancer is a terminal disease that can only be treated to a certain extent. And the fact that we are more than 2 years into the low 5 year survival rate doesn't make me happy. Without Mom, I am indeed alone in this world and this world is scary when all alone. But for all intents and purposes, I put on a brave face because Mom needs me to be brave and put the value of her life - our life together for nearly 29 years - ahead of anything else. I think the knowledge of having a limited time left to enjoy loving and being loved is the only thing that can be worse than knowing that your future will indeed become very, very lonely.

My only other fear is that because of my fear of being alone, I will become complacent and resign myself to a life less ... possible. I used to live by the lyric "I could never swallow your ideals of a lifeless happy ending" but now I feel that out of fear, that's exactly what I'll do. I'll become what I hate. And hate myself after living a "wasted" life for it. This juxtaposition of feelings of wanting to find love in this world & not being alone yet wanting to clench on to any opportunities that might come my way in this amazing incredible world without having to be accountable to another person is something I guess I will just have to figure out. Unless someone out there can help figure it out with me...

ch. 118