November 25, 2010

there you are (ch. 94)

are you there? you look like you're there. maybe "there" is farther away than what it appears to be. than i want it to be. than i need it to be. i am sure you are there. but it's so tough to tell.

others are there. there is far away though. it makes me want to GO there. god knows i wish i could. why can't i? well, i can. 1 day. soon? hopefully. in the MEAN time. and in between time? here you are! are you here? i like it when you are. you take the pain away. you make me feel like everything is going to be okay. i suppose there is no way of really knowing whether you are here as much as i think you are. except for having trust. trust is hard. especially when you think that it might be a good idea to go way over there where you think there are others you could trust more. i wouldn't even think of going there if i knew you were here. and you are here... right? but how long will you be here? if you go, i will not stop you. i might even try to go WITH you. especially if i know you know i will be there for you like you are here for me now. like you know that i will be there for you always. i've waited for you this long already and i think you know that i was always here for you. and there too. even then. even though you didn't need me there til now. like i need you. here now. here too.

i hope you hear what i am saying. there are things here worth being here for. you and i? we can go there together later. and if you do not or cannot be here, i might just have to go there. without you. to be with someone who can be here. i want it to be you who is there for me. but if you don't think you can be there, or here, i have trust that someone out there will be here. it's just a matter of finding out who that might be. and whether or not my time here - with you or without you - will run right out first.

ch.94 is related to another blog from quite a while back. It's a lot better. But I wasn't drunk when I wrote it.