August 26, 2010

“A man who cannot choose ceases to be a man"

With everyone's big & crazy goings-ons and incredibly exciting lives they are leading, I can't help to feel just a little bit underwhelmed.

Whether it be going for work terms in Scotland, starting completely new lives in Van, having wild weekends at "The Lake", learning new languages, riding a motorcycle, gallavanting between concerts in Pomona or Chicago or Geneva or Boston, or even taking the random trip to CALGARY for drinking. These things makes the life I am living feel Oh Just So Goddam Boring. And it's all I can do but to just sit & contemplate the begging question:

"What In God's Name Have You Done With Your Life, Ryan?!"


"Where Did It All Go Oh So Effing Wrong??!"

I only have a few ideas...

So now a good friend of mine is getting MARRIED. Talk about the ULTIMATELY exciting (life-altering) moment in a person's life, hey?? To be that happy with your own life, knowing that the only way that it could possibly get any better would be to share it with the one you love. Must be nice.

Maybe it's because I recently finished reading about Alex Delarge's life and how he came to his own decision to begin living a different life that I am contemplating all of this "What Have You Done With Your Life" stuff. Having the epiphany of growing up at the ripe old age of 18 seems...young, but like - good. Becoming all settled and complacent by this point in one's life actually sounds kinda nice. Then again I probably just think this because I feel soooo incredibly OLD right now, what with not being married, n' all, haha.

I don't see myself marrying any time soon. It's all I can do right now to just. keep. breathing. Let alone bringing someone else into my own messed up life, where we could share the most dearest of times? Perhaps this is why I am so incredibly anti-social and non-commital to even the most important people in my life. Perhaps I am barely keeping up at all in this uber-fast-paced son of a bitch of a world.

"Carrying on". But that seems so...what I have been doing for god oh so so long. Kinda not really toooo ummm fulfilling? Kinda not really what I feel like doing any more!

I am craving adventure. No, not in the ultra-violent in-and-out kroovy filled tolchocking sort of vesche, but I do indeed need something to give. And this being at a desk job for a little over a MONTH, haha. Lucky for me I get to go to CALGARY (ugghh) for my pal's BACHELOR PARTY this weekend, and WEDDING the next! (Helllllo, Bridesmaides!) And the real kicker is, I even know what it is that I want! It's just a matter of getting out of This Freaking Cycle of apathy and negativity and realize that despite how much I talk about "freedom" and "choice" I just need to shut the fuck up and go and get it.